Something just occurred to me. I was reading the NOM message board about LDS attitudes about gay people. There are two attitudes:
1. Gay sex is a sin. Having gay attractions to the same sex is a sin. Gay people are sinners. They need to convert to heterosexual ways of seeing things.
2. Gay people are born the way they are. They do not sin just because they are attracted to persons of the same sex. As long as they avoid gay sex they are not sinning at all. They need our love and compassion to deal with their fates, however. It is so hard to be gay, like being mentally ill or blind. So, basically, they need all of our love, in fact more than the average person to deal with their struggles.
I think both viewpoints are annoying. Viewpoint #1 is entirely inflexible and probably goes against basic human psychology. When was anyone ever to change their attractions through therapy, unless they underwent so much brainwashing that they developed other harmful psychological problems. It also assumes that heterosexual means good. And homosexual means evil. When was the last time you thought someone was a really good person based on their heterosexual attraction to, say, women? And when was the last time you found out someone was gay and realized that they were also totally evil? Does this happen in real life? It really doesn't happen as much as some people think it happens.
Viewpoint #2 is what I call the "feel sorry for" effect. Basically, anyone with a problem is intensely pitied. Besides, there are probably many people who don't feel tortured once they choose how to deal with a same sex attraction. Some people would rather be gay than schizophrenic or crippled anyway. Is gayness a social difficulty or a disability? I am thinking that it is more of a difficulty than a disability. And yes, on a social level, many people can suffer. Also, persons making this statement do not know how much of a sin gay sex is or is not. They are not making an accurate enough judgment about what about any sexual act would be a sin. Also, if a gay sex act is a sin, does that mean that someone is now completely evil for doing it once or twice? Or is there something more going on? I don't know the answers to these questions, and so I cannot even manage to agree with anything stated in viewpoint #2.
Overall, I am probably clueless about gayness myself. It occurs to me that both of these viewpoints could be produced by a non-gay mind. They have both been produced by persons who are heterosexual. That is what I think.
And then there are other problems. When it comes to the LDS Church and sex, sex is not an act that is understood at all. The LDS Church deals with the presence of sex by stuffing it into marriage. Also, many married people have actually been told by leaders to leave their garments on while having sex. A certain percentage of people may actually be doing this, too. For the LDS Church, there is nothing natural about sex in the first place.
Heterosexual people have trouble with sex in the LDS Church. When was such a church ever the holder of the solution to the problem of gay people and gay sex? Everyone who has any type of sex and needs advice would not get any good advice about it. It just seems to me that there is a kind of mystery surrounding normal human relationships from the viewpoint of the LDS Church. The LDS Church over-emphasizes families, under-emphasizes friendships and social behavior, and tries to hide normal sex in a closet. Church authorities will even tell people that they shouldn't even think sexual thoughts. That would be an unchaste sin.
How would a gay person be converted from homosexual to heterosexual if they can't even think anything about heterosexual sex either?
In fact, in the area of dating, things are even weirder. The General Authorities had an article published in an Engisn magazine a few years ago about dating vs. hanging out. In the article, they claim that hanging out is not something that should not go on between men and women. This is because it discourages dating. They also stated that a date was practice for the kind of commitment made in marriage. A bunch of old guys are running the Mormon Church. And so, instead of trying to learn about the full spectrum of behavior of young people and the opposite sex, they decided to find one behavior and condemn it.
At first when I read the article, I was thinking that these old guys were right. After all, I hadn't gotten married, and this must be because not enough young men asked me out. This could technically be true. I have not dated a lot, and I happen to not be married.
However, after I stopped believing so much in LDS Church doctrine, I looked at the Ensign article with a new pair of eyes. I realized that part of any human relationship is what is called "hanging out." People end up spending time in the same room. Maybe one spouse is fixing the TV and the other spouse is reading a John Grisham novel. Does this mean that they are hanging out and will ruin their relationship?
On the contrary! They will not ruin their relationship. They are strengthening it by tolerating each other's hobbies and activities. If two people can do things in the same room together, it may be that they get along.
In fact, in any relationship there is a lot of hanging out. Any real relationship where people enjoy each other's company a lot is a relationship where they do things like watch movies together, have conversations together, do homework together, etc. This often happens in the same room! It's hanging out! Oh no! I better duck! The world is evil!
Send me a logic pill express!
Monday, April 14, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Rotten Cores of Mormonism
Well, yesterday I was talking all about being depressed. Reading that blog entry, I can tell that I am not so depressed anymore. I took the bus to get a prescription filled and shop for food. I feel better. I still need to get my driver license renewed. I haven't been getting out a lot. I felt very happy to be away from home in the grocery store. I needed to get out. It made me feel a lot better. I can feel the energy in my eyes. I actually have energy!
At any rate, I think I am still sort of screwed up. But I am not bogged down by all of it anymore. I'll go get my license renewed on Monday and feel even better.
Yesterday's entry is sort of a scary one. To hook depression up to the doctrines of the LDS Church is something that I never thought of before. To say that depression is appreciated among Mormons more than it really should be is a very menacing idea that makes everything I experienced in Mormonism even scarier.
I am not intending to scare people, but to tell the truth. The news about depression and LDS women has appeared this year. It alone is scary. The news stories have implied that the depression is all about the need for perfectionism. However, I did not always try to be perfect and I still got depressed. I would feel guilty, or I would feel anxious. The guilt and anxiety would burn me out. And then, I was afraid to look too happy in church. I thought I was being evil. I am starting to understand that the doctrine of humility in the LDS Church is out of control. The doctrine of humility literally produces low self-esteem and depression. You are supposed to have a broken heart and a contrite spirit to show that you are humble and repentant of your sins. I find this doctrine scary. I think that it causes people to make themselves even more unhappy.
My brother actually said one day that you could be happy AND have a broken heart and contrite spirit. I tried to research the matter, but found little depth to it but a promotion of the basic doctrine of the broken heart and contrite spirit. I really do not feel that this doctrine can coincide with true personal happiness. Worse yet, Mormons believe that broken hearted, contrited spirited persons are really persons who are born again. So, when Jesus says in the Bible that we must be born again, Mormons think it means we have to have a broken heart and a contrite spirit.
Is this where the leaders want us? Do they really want us that emotionally weak? Do they want us asking our leaders for more approval and more spirituality while the church erodes under the feet of every weeping member? Do Mormon leaders really expect church and stake leaders to hold up their wards and stakes with the weak leadership that such low regard for self could produce?
I find Mormon doctrine a joke. I find the manufactured, deepened humility a kind of albatross around the neck of the Mormon experience. I decided to drop my humility junk awhile ago. I decided that I was being fake. I didn't realize that it was also making me unhappy. And yet, every major doctrinal road of Mormonism only increases the burdens of the average person, inside and out.
I think that something is very wrong with a religion that could have lived for years with such ridiculous doctrine. I think that only the doctrine that Jesus Christ and Satan were brothers in the pre-existence could be worse.
I have just found the rotten core of Mormonism. That is how I feel today. I am laughing because I seem never to be done exposing to myself or others the sham that this religion could represent.
Let me list the rotten cores.
1. Polygamy
2. Broken heart, contrite spirit doctrine
3. Jesus Christ and Satan are technically spiritual brothers
4. The atonement can fix your life now, but it can't save you from your sins in the next life. The doctrine of works is emphasized above any doctrine of grace. The Mormon idea of grace is a screwed up mess.
5. LDS women are the childbearers of the world and cannot hold the priesthood. Men are superior to women in their role in leading the church and the family.
6. Temple ceremonies are cultic rituals that have nothing to do with our personal salvation.
7. The Book of Abraham is a proven fraud.
I have listed seven rotten cores so far! I think that I am recognizing something else. Mormons believe that if you have reached despair, or depression, you are in sin. Why would this be? Wouldn't the broken hearted, contrite spirit doctrine be interfering with the doctrine that we should be of good cheer? Now I have something to write about for the Church Office Building to read! This is big! This is a disaster! How can Mormons be against being unhappy, and yet be for having a broken heart and a contrite spirit? It's time to call the farce! It's time to arrest the fraudulent and promote a simpler world view! No wonder so few Mormons can be happy! No wonder so many postmormons feel their lives are so much better and freer! It isn't just that Mormonism is too strict! It's that it's way, way too illogical!
I am very excited! I am truly starting to understand the religion that nearly ended my emotional well-being!
I am alive! I am free! I am knowledgeable!
At any rate, I think I am still sort of screwed up. But I am not bogged down by all of it anymore. I'll go get my license renewed on Monday and feel even better.
Yesterday's entry is sort of a scary one. To hook depression up to the doctrines of the LDS Church is something that I never thought of before. To say that depression is appreciated among Mormons more than it really should be is a very menacing idea that makes everything I experienced in Mormonism even scarier.
I am not intending to scare people, but to tell the truth. The news about depression and LDS women has appeared this year. It alone is scary. The news stories have implied that the depression is all about the need for perfectionism. However, I did not always try to be perfect and I still got depressed. I would feel guilty, or I would feel anxious. The guilt and anxiety would burn me out. And then, I was afraid to look too happy in church. I thought I was being evil. I am starting to understand that the doctrine of humility in the LDS Church is out of control. The doctrine of humility literally produces low self-esteem and depression. You are supposed to have a broken heart and a contrite spirit to show that you are humble and repentant of your sins. I find this doctrine scary. I think that it causes people to make themselves even more unhappy.
My brother actually said one day that you could be happy AND have a broken heart and contrite spirit. I tried to research the matter, but found little depth to it but a promotion of the basic doctrine of the broken heart and contrite spirit. I really do not feel that this doctrine can coincide with true personal happiness. Worse yet, Mormons believe that broken hearted, contrited spirited persons are really persons who are born again. So, when Jesus says in the Bible that we must be born again, Mormons think it means we have to have a broken heart and a contrite spirit.
Is this where the leaders want us? Do they really want us that emotionally weak? Do they want us asking our leaders for more approval and more spirituality while the church erodes under the feet of every weeping member? Do Mormon leaders really expect church and stake leaders to hold up their wards and stakes with the weak leadership that such low regard for self could produce?
I find Mormon doctrine a joke. I find the manufactured, deepened humility a kind of albatross around the neck of the Mormon experience. I decided to drop my humility junk awhile ago. I decided that I was being fake. I didn't realize that it was also making me unhappy. And yet, every major doctrinal road of Mormonism only increases the burdens of the average person, inside and out.
I think that something is very wrong with a religion that could have lived for years with such ridiculous doctrine. I think that only the doctrine that Jesus Christ and Satan were brothers in the pre-existence could be worse.
I have just found the rotten core of Mormonism. That is how I feel today. I am laughing because I seem never to be done exposing to myself or others the sham that this religion could represent.
Let me list the rotten cores.
1. Polygamy
2. Broken heart, contrite spirit doctrine
3. Jesus Christ and Satan are technically spiritual brothers
4. The atonement can fix your life now, but it can't save you from your sins in the next life. The doctrine of works is emphasized above any doctrine of grace. The Mormon idea of grace is a screwed up mess.
5. LDS women are the childbearers of the world and cannot hold the priesthood. Men are superior to women in their role in leading the church and the family.
6. Temple ceremonies are cultic rituals that have nothing to do with our personal salvation.
7. The Book of Abraham is a proven fraud.
I have listed seven rotten cores so far! I think that I am recognizing something else. Mormons believe that if you have reached despair, or depression, you are in sin. Why would this be? Wouldn't the broken hearted, contrite spirit doctrine be interfering with the doctrine that we should be of good cheer? Now I have something to write about for the Church Office Building to read! This is big! This is a disaster! How can Mormons be against being unhappy, and yet be for having a broken heart and a contrite spirit? It's time to call the farce! It's time to arrest the fraudulent and promote a simpler world view! No wonder so few Mormons can be happy! No wonder so many postmormons feel their lives are so much better and freer! It isn't just that Mormonism is too strict! It's that it's way, way too illogical!
I am very excited! I am truly starting to understand the religion that nearly ended my emotional well-being!
I am alive! I am free! I am knowledgeable!
Friday, April 11, 2008
Depression and the LDS Church
When I was active LDS, I was told that I had a glow about me that others could see. I was told that it would knock people over. Actually, the person who said that this look in my eyes would knock people over was a liar. I haven't seen people fall over. In fact, I was often told that I should smile more. I was asked if there was anything wrong, etc., etc., etc.
Now that I no longer attend LDS Church meetings, my relationship with depression is different. I think that I am somewhat depressed today. But it isn't the same kind of feeling I used to have. Back when I still believed in Mormonism, depression was a horrifying despair that threatened to derail me and smash me flat. I would become hopeless to the point that I would almost be suicidal. Now depression is more of a jaded feeling. Depression is like some sort of unnamed crisis, begging to be worked through slowly. Because this time, the crisis is hiding. I do not know what to call the crisis. I am just sort of reminded of my jadedness as I sit and wonder if I believe in anything at all.
I encountered a depressed person on a message board yesterday. The person described how she felt. Unlike the other five replyers to her message, I figured out right away that she was depressed. She had the kind of depression I used to have. She wanted more than anything to have a good spiritual experience so that she could feel like she could go on. I posted that she was depressed and that she should see a professional. I didn't even mess around. And I didn't apologize. No matter what real substance her depression may have had, a depression that deep leads too easily to suicide. I don't find it soulful to be that depressed.
And yet, in the LDS Church, I was often that depressed. I have come to understand that depressed people make up a larger percentage of LDS people than they did, in say, the 1980's. Depression has become more of an epidemic in the United States, and the LDS religion has only grown its depressions since then.
I think that maybe some depressed people in the LDS Church are seen by other members as more spiritual and sensitive. I think that as long as I didn't get too scary, people saw me as very spiritual when I was depressed. Sometimes I would cry a lot. LDS people interpret crying in meetings to be evidence of a spiritual experience.
Also, the Beatitudes hold another key. Matthew 5: 6 says, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, because they will be filled." (Holman Bible)
Mormons interpret people who are down as humble and hungering and thirsting after righteousness. In fact, some Mormons go to church every week, looking for another spiritual hit. The depressed Mormon can go undiagnosed for several months at a time, hiding under the blanket of spiritual seeking that resembles the behavior of drug addiction. Many Mormons with emotional problems are one spiritual experience away from hope. They are one confirmation of their personal worthiness from hope. Mormonism makes people emotionally needy.
It does seem that some religious folk will take an everyday experience, whether positive or negative, and turn it into a spiritual phenomenon. Some religious persons ignore science and common sense to continue to feed their belief system the evidence it needs to stay afloat.
I do not believe that my current depression has no spiritual element. However, I think that it may be that I am down because sometimes life gets you down. I think that I haven't thought through all I need to make my life meaningful. And I'm sure that it could be a complex thing that I need to explore. I believe that there is no one answer that will heal all my woes. I also believe that I have just felt my lack so fully that I can no longer ignore it.
Also, I am not so depressed that I cannot stand life. I am on the level of depression where I have an aversion to positive thinking. It could be that I used positive thinking for a long time to cover up my real issues. It could be that I am starting to be aware of reality on a more comprehensive level. It feels like other people's opinions of a good life are lacking. It could be that I have not fully appreciated the need for my life to be good on a very specific, individual level. No one else is fully me. I have only begun to appreciate that.
I think that many people go through life hoping that one right decision will make their lives better. It can sometimes be discouraging when you make a series of right choices and you are still unhappy. You could change your belief system to something less toxic and then wonder why you still have periods of horribly low motivation or lack of belief in anything good. You could change your neighborhood and then wonder why the same problems with your neighbors in the old neighborhood are cropping up again in the new neighborhood. It can take a while to get things right. It can take a while to discover which things are really worth changing and which things are mere trivia to your own personal life.
Despite the troubles that await us as mortals who just wait to be fulfilled day by day, often by things that have no guarantee, we often find ourselves learning what we really need, sometimes in startling ways. We can find a key to our lives one day after months of wondering why we are unhappy. And we can also recover from physical fatigues that we have battled for years.
I think that life has hope in it. It doesn't matter that I haven't found what I can hope in. All that matters is that I don't feel that my life will let me stay the same. I will either adapt to this reality, or I can let it get me down. I think that it is getting me down. I also think that there is no other way for me to go, but through this mess, continuing to explain the mess to myself, and continuing to grow from the insights I gain by overcoming it.
Now that I no longer attend LDS Church meetings, my relationship with depression is different. I think that I am somewhat depressed today. But it isn't the same kind of feeling I used to have. Back when I still believed in Mormonism, depression was a horrifying despair that threatened to derail me and smash me flat. I would become hopeless to the point that I would almost be suicidal. Now depression is more of a jaded feeling. Depression is like some sort of unnamed crisis, begging to be worked through slowly. Because this time, the crisis is hiding. I do not know what to call the crisis. I am just sort of reminded of my jadedness as I sit and wonder if I believe in anything at all.
I encountered a depressed person on a message board yesterday. The person described how she felt. Unlike the other five replyers to her message, I figured out right away that she was depressed. She had the kind of depression I used to have. She wanted more than anything to have a good spiritual experience so that she could feel like she could go on. I posted that she was depressed and that she should see a professional. I didn't even mess around. And I didn't apologize. No matter what real substance her depression may have had, a depression that deep leads too easily to suicide. I don't find it soulful to be that depressed.
And yet, in the LDS Church, I was often that depressed. I have come to understand that depressed people make up a larger percentage of LDS people than they did, in say, the 1980's. Depression has become more of an epidemic in the United States, and the LDS religion has only grown its depressions since then.
I think that maybe some depressed people in the LDS Church are seen by other members as more spiritual and sensitive. I think that as long as I didn't get too scary, people saw me as very spiritual when I was depressed. Sometimes I would cry a lot. LDS people interpret crying in meetings to be evidence of a spiritual experience.
Also, the Beatitudes hold another key. Matthew 5: 6 says, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, because they will be filled." (Holman Bible)
Mormons interpret people who are down as humble and hungering and thirsting after righteousness. In fact, some Mormons go to church every week, looking for another spiritual hit. The depressed Mormon can go undiagnosed for several months at a time, hiding under the blanket of spiritual seeking that resembles the behavior of drug addiction. Many Mormons with emotional problems are one spiritual experience away from hope. They are one confirmation of their personal worthiness from hope. Mormonism makes people emotionally needy.
It does seem that some religious folk will take an everyday experience, whether positive or negative, and turn it into a spiritual phenomenon. Some religious persons ignore science and common sense to continue to feed their belief system the evidence it needs to stay afloat.
I do not believe that my current depression has no spiritual element. However, I think that it may be that I am down because sometimes life gets you down. I think that I haven't thought through all I need to make my life meaningful. And I'm sure that it could be a complex thing that I need to explore. I believe that there is no one answer that will heal all my woes. I also believe that I have just felt my lack so fully that I can no longer ignore it.
Also, I am not so depressed that I cannot stand life. I am on the level of depression where I have an aversion to positive thinking. It could be that I used positive thinking for a long time to cover up my real issues. It could be that I am starting to be aware of reality on a more comprehensive level. It feels like other people's opinions of a good life are lacking. It could be that I have not fully appreciated the need for my life to be good on a very specific, individual level. No one else is fully me. I have only begun to appreciate that.
I think that many people go through life hoping that one right decision will make their lives better. It can sometimes be discouraging when you make a series of right choices and you are still unhappy. You could change your belief system to something less toxic and then wonder why you still have periods of horribly low motivation or lack of belief in anything good. You could change your neighborhood and then wonder why the same problems with your neighbors in the old neighborhood are cropping up again in the new neighborhood. It can take a while to get things right. It can take a while to discover which things are really worth changing and which things are mere trivia to your own personal life.
Despite the troubles that await us as mortals who just wait to be fulfilled day by day, often by things that have no guarantee, we often find ourselves learning what we really need, sometimes in startling ways. We can find a key to our lives one day after months of wondering why we are unhappy. And we can also recover from physical fatigues that we have battled for years.
I think that life has hope in it. It doesn't matter that I haven't found what I can hope in. All that matters is that I don't feel that my life will let me stay the same. I will either adapt to this reality, or I can let it get me down. I think that it is getting me down. I also think that there is no other way for me to go, but through this mess, continuing to explain the mess to myself, and continuing to grow from the insights I gain by overcoming it.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Changes
Today is a day free of conference and other horrifying distractions. I feel much better today after having taken some vitamin B12 on Sunday night. Vitamin B12 is the vitamin of my frazzled hours. It helps me sleep at night and gain energy in the day.
Ah! It sounds like a cure-all!
Well, I can say that no one thing is a cure all for life, but the more cures you pile on, the less sick your routine and attitudes are. And the body tends to gain in health when we take care of it. This tends to be a trend that goes on into old age.
To throw off sickness is not usually the main aim of every life, but it is currently the aim of mine.
I was thinking today about an organization that could use a cast-off of sickness.
Changes to Make For the LDS Church
1. Every member currently pays 10% of their gross income in tithing. This should be changed. I say that every member should pay 5% of their net income. Basically, paying on money you really do own, after taxes, seems less insidious. If you think about it, many who pay tithing on income before taxes will end up with not even 80% of that money to use for their own needs. Why should someone's income be reduced before taxes? That is vastly unfair! And then, paying 5% tithing would cause some people to have more money. And more members would rise more quickly out of poverty! This means that a man who earns $30, 000 a year will not have to pay quite even $3,000 and could reduce that amount of $3,000 to under $1,500 per year. That would leave about $1,500 more to use to put away savings, reduce debt, deal with family emergencies, and begin financing the future educations of children.
2. Eliminate the fast offering. In addition to paying 10% gross tithing, LDS members must pay monthly fast offerings. The members are encouraged to fast once a month for a meal or two and then give away the money they would have used to eat. Basically, this is promoted as one of the many ways to help the poor. They can have your money and eat more often during their week! But, I would think that wise use of tithing money and other types of donations could easily be used to help the poor and unfortunate, especially if expenses like mall building could be eliminated. It is already a very huge financial stress on members to be tithed on gross income.
So far, I have thought of two suggestions for change of the LDS Church. I personally would not go back if these two things changes. My complaints are far deeper. However, I believe that less people would try to give up their membership if they didn't have to pay tithing like they were the deepest pockets in the world while paying for diapers and car registrations.
When I look at the LDS Church, I wonder if it could change enough for me. Or is it enough that I do not believe it is a true church of the world? I believe it is founded on lies. What would my religion look like if I could make a separate religion for myself? This is not a completely answerable question for me at this point, but I think I could begin to answer it.
My Religion
1. Jesus Christ is the Redeemer of the World. This means that anyone who has not gone completely evil has a chance in the Afterlife. What does this mean? This means that the spirits of the dead often end up in places other than hell or spirit prison. This means that they are cared for and taught when they arrive in that world. And, at some point, some of these spirits will be ressurrected with bodies. This also means that any intelligence, spirit or person, will be able to choose for themselves whether they will choose good or evil at any point. Persons do not stop progression just because they died and no longer have bodies.
I'm running out of ideas again! I think I'm tired and need to take a nap. I accomplished a lot today, especially in the category of cleaning my living space. I am looking at clean carpet, clean sheets, and sewed on buttons. I feel kind of caught up. This is good.
Good-bye until later. Later, I will personally expand upon my belief systems and the changes I would make to the LDS Church if I were its leader.
Ah! It sounds like a cure-all!
Well, I can say that no one thing is a cure all for life, but the more cures you pile on, the less sick your routine and attitudes are. And the body tends to gain in health when we take care of it. This tends to be a trend that goes on into old age.
To throw off sickness is not usually the main aim of every life, but it is currently the aim of mine.
I was thinking today about an organization that could use a cast-off of sickness.
Changes to Make For the LDS Church
1. Every member currently pays 10% of their gross income in tithing. This should be changed. I say that every member should pay 5% of their net income. Basically, paying on money you really do own, after taxes, seems less insidious. If you think about it, many who pay tithing on income before taxes will end up with not even 80% of that money to use for their own needs. Why should someone's income be reduced before taxes? That is vastly unfair! And then, paying 5% tithing would cause some people to have more money. And more members would rise more quickly out of poverty! This means that a man who earns $30, 000 a year will not have to pay quite even $3,000 and could reduce that amount of $3,000 to under $1,500 per year. That would leave about $1,500 more to use to put away savings, reduce debt, deal with family emergencies, and begin financing the future educations of children.
2. Eliminate the fast offering. In addition to paying 10% gross tithing, LDS members must pay monthly fast offerings. The members are encouraged to fast once a month for a meal or two and then give away the money they would have used to eat. Basically, this is promoted as one of the many ways to help the poor. They can have your money and eat more often during their week! But, I would think that wise use of tithing money and other types of donations could easily be used to help the poor and unfortunate, especially if expenses like mall building could be eliminated. It is already a very huge financial stress on members to be tithed on gross income.
So far, I have thought of two suggestions for change of the LDS Church. I personally would not go back if these two things changes. My complaints are far deeper. However, I believe that less people would try to give up their membership if they didn't have to pay tithing like they were the deepest pockets in the world while paying for diapers and car registrations.
When I look at the LDS Church, I wonder if it could change enough for me. Or is it enough that I do not believe it is a true church of the world? I believe it is founded on lies. What would my religion look like if I could make a separate religion for myself? This is not a completely answerable question for me at this point, but I think I could begin to answer it.
My Religion
1. Jesus Christ is the Redeemer of the World. This means that anyone who has not gone completely evil has a chance in the Afterlife. What does this mean? This means that the spirits of the dead often end up in places other than hell or spirit prison. This means that they are cared for and taught when they arrive in that world. And, at some point, some of these spirits will be ressurrected with bodies. This also means that any intelligence, spirit or person, will be able to choose for themselves whether they will choose good or evil at any point. Persons do not stop progression just because they died and no longer have bodies.
I'm running out of ideas again! I think I'm tired and need to take a nap. I accomplished a lot today, especially in the category of cleaning my living space. I am looking at clean carpet, clean sheets, and sewed on buttons. I feel kind of caught up. This is good.
Good-bye until later. Later, I will personally expand upon my belief systems and the changes I would make to the LDS Church if I were its leader.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
General Conference Weekend April 2008
It's General Conference weekend. I just tried to listen to a little of Conference, and I couldn't listen long. The talks were driving me crazy. I really thought I could find out what was going on in the LDS Church by listening, but I digress. It is a ridiculous thing to do, to listen to all of the conference sessions when I am so disaffected with the Church.
I think the idea that people are supposed to sacrifice so much for one belief system does really just depress me. I can tell that the speakers in conference are depressed about it as well. I heard in their voices things that just cannot be abided by me any longer. The LDS Church as a depressing institution was last on my mind when Neal A. Maxwell died and they had THE MOST AWFUL funeral for him. It was drab, even for a funeral. Gordon B. Hinckley took over the funeral and reduced Maxwell to something that not even the most faithful Church member would like. I didn't like it much at all. Conference was that depressing today. And my father told me that if I watch it I might feel better!
Whatever! Whatever! Whatever!
I now think that the LDS Church is full of people who do not believe in much. For, if you believe in too much, you cannot believe in the LDS Church. Should you believe in Buddhism and Christianity and Judaism, it would be far too much. Only a small subset of any of these main religions could ever agree with Mormonism. Most don't agree at all. I feel like Mormonism is so simple and reductive and "same as always," that people don't learn much from practicing it beyond a certain young age. People are just trapped into it with fears of losing their own salvation.
When you fear losing your salvation too much you cannot give anything to anyone else. When you are programmed to believe that everyone else is losing their salvation, you can do nothing but fill others with fear.
Worse yet, if someone asks you for help with their own very real problem, you can only reduce it to nothing. After all, it could be that the person with the problem is a sinner.
Because of this, too many LDS people end up turning their backs on other people's problems. I suppose that I understand even more about the evils and demons of my own life. I understand better what I have to fear. I understand with a very frightening completeness what has stopped me from having a productive and happy life.
These real evils that I have encountered have only been pooh-poohed by the LDS people. This is because they do not believe in enough to believe in real evil. If you do not believe in real evil, you can never rescue anyone from it.
I understand that the Catholic Church at least believes that possession and demons are real. It would seem that LDS folk turn a blind eye to these things in the idea that God would never let these things happen to you unless you did something wrong.
Feminists believe in the self-esteem and well-being of women. LDS people believe that women are mere servants to priesthood holders and the vast families that they bear for the men and the Church. According to many men in the Church, women really, really want babies. It is no matter if she is having trouble with her career or her education or her friendships with other women. The family must be fulfilling her. No matter that I have spent time with my nephews, and I have noticed that it does not fulfill me. I only understand it as some biological or moral imperative to raise children, not complete intellectual fulfillment. You can love being a mother, but it does not give you degrees or jobs. Some women never want these things, but they are usually overly lucky in that their husband or family of origin is filthily wealthy. I cannot pretend to understand motherhood, but I understand that I would always want other things for myself, whether or not I bore children. Why can't a women want more, especially an unmarried woman like me? They say not enough to unmarried women. They never give them credit for their careers or accomplishments enough to make them happy in the LDS Church. No, instead unmarried women are seen as dangerous, or lesbian, or just not interested in men.
Perhaps they fail to see that some of us cannot bear to just marry any man? We need to give ourselves time to end up in a relationship with one that would give us what we really need? How can a twenty-one-year-old returned missionary ever make me feel good about myself? He can't even say he likes women much, especially after being on a mission for two years. And I've been out with a few of these young men. They tended to not give me not much of an ego stroke. They could barely make conversation.
Give me a break. Give all the stupid young men a break. Let them develop their own lives before they make another person miserable through marriage.
It feels like all of these complaints are rehashed. I do not know what I am going to do next. This is not because I am stupid. I think I am tired. I had to pretend too long that nothing, inside or outside of the Church was getting me down. Things came at me from every direction. Now it's time to start to feel normal again.
I am so fatigued.
I think that I may just be boring for a while. I can't pretend to be on fire for life.
Though as far as I can tell, I'm safer than I've been in a long time.
I think the idea that people are supposed to sacrifice so much for one belief system does really just depress me. I can tell that the speakers in conference are depressed about it as well. I heard in their voices things that just cannot be abided by me any longer. The LDS Church as a depressing institution was last on my mind when Neal A. Maxwell died and they had THE MOST AWFUL funeral for him. It was drab, even for a funeral. Gordon B. Hinckley took over the funeral and reduced Maxwell to something that not even the most faithful Church member would like. I didn't like it much at all. Conference was that depressing today. And my father told me that if I watch it I might feel better!
Whatever! Whatever! Whatever!
I now think that the LDS Church is full of people who do not believe in much. For, if you believe in too much, you cannot believe in the LDS Church. Should you believe in Buddhism and Christianity and Judaism, it would be far too much. Only a small subset of any of these main religions could ever agree with Mormonism. Most don't agree at all. I feel like Mormonism is so simple and reductive and "same as always," that people don't learn much from practicing it beyond a certain young age. People are just trapped into it with fears of losing their own salvation.
When you fear losing your salvation too much you cannot give anything to anyone else. When you are programmed to believe that everyone else is losing their salvation, you can do nothing but fill others with fear.
Worse yet, if someone asks you for help with their own very real problem, you can only reduce it to nothing. After all, it could be that the person with the problem is a sinner.
Because of this, too many LDS people end up turning their backs on other people's problems. I suppose that I understand even more about the evils and demons of my own life. I understand better what I have to fear. I understand with a very frightening completeness what has stopped me from having a productive and happy life.
These real evils that I have encountered have only been pooh-poohed by the LDS people. This is because they do not believe in enough to believe in real evil. If you do not believe in real evil, you can never rescue anyone from it.
I understand that the Catholic Church at least believes that possession and demons are real. It would seem that LDS folk turn a blind eye to these things in the idea that God would never let these things happen to you unless you did something wrong.
Feminists believe in the self-esteem and well-being of women. LDS people believe that women are mere servants to priesthood holders and the vast families that they bear for the men and the Church. According to many men in the Church, women really, really want babies. It is no matter if she is having trouble with her career or her education or her friendships with other women. The family must be fulfilling her. No matter that I have spent time with my nephews, and I have noticed that it does not fulfill me. I only understand it as some biological or moral imperative to raise children, not complete intellectual fulfillment. You can love being a mother, but it does not give you degrees or jobs. Some women never want these things, but they are usually overly lucky in that their husband or family of origin is filthily wealthy. I cannot pretend to understand motherhood, but I understand that I would always want other things for myself, whether or not I bore children. Why can't a women want more, especially an unmarried woman like me? They say not enough to unmarried women. They never give them credit for their careers or accomplishments enough to make them happy in the LDS Church. No, instead unmarried women are seen as dangerous, or lesbian, or just not interested in men.
Perhaps they fail to see that some of us cannot bear to just marry any man? We need to give ourselves time to end up in a relationship with one that would give us what we really need? How can a twenty-one-year-old returned missionary ever make me feel good about myself? He can't even say he likes women much, especially after being on a mission for two years. And I've been out with a few of these young men. They tended to not give me not much of an ego stroke. They could barely make conversation.
Give me a break. Give all the stupid young men a break. Let them develop their own lives before they make another person miserable through marriage.
It feels like all of these complaints are rehashed. I do not know what I am going to do next. This is not because I am stupid. I think I am tired. I had to pretend too long that nothing, inside or outside of the Church was getting me down. Things came at me from every direction. Now it's time to start to feel normal again.
I am so fatigued.
I think that I may just be boring for a while. I can't pretend to be on fire for life.
Though as far as I can tell, I'm safer than I've been in a long time.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
The LDS Church Is Indeed Imperfect
So, I go completely insane. And going to church turns out to be a major factor ratcheting up the insanity. After the hospitalization, I decide that I am going to go back to church. However, each time I go, it is so unpleasant that I can barely go at all, maybe once every two to three months? Well, the last church visit was March 2007. It was really, really pathetic. I could tell that everyone was either cursed, brainwashed, or depressed. There is no spirituality. All that is good about it is that I realize I grew up with all the more elderly people in the congregation. I decide I have a love for them. That's all. Basically, throughout 2006 and 2007, every time I go to church my mental health symptoms get worse. My medication wasn't at the right dosage yet, and every time I attend church, except for the last March visit, I get symptoms that indicate that I'm starting to hallucinate again.
Church was a trigger for insanity?
One thing that I grew up with and agreed with told me that I had to keep going to church even if it was a miserable experience. I was told, along with a lot of other members, that the LDS Church was perfect, but the people in it were not. I swallowed this whole. Most people took this idea to mean that if someone at church offended you, you were supposed to keep going anyway, because the Church was perfect. This was all part of the brainwashing. It wasn't that there was nothing brilliant about the way the LDS Church was run. It was that there were a lot of problems that people constantly turned their backs on. The content of a Sunday School lesson was lame and banal. A Relief Society lesson seemed filled with lies. A bishop gave someone brutally rude and untrue advice. Someone killed himself because he was gay. These problems were glaring, but often ignored.
I believed that the Church was perfect. I would talk about how we, as LDS people, had the truth, to my friends who were LDS. I was supposed to be really righteous and spiritual because I liked the LDS Church. But what surprised me was the fact that not everyone responded with glee to these speeches. Some people seemed floored, as in shocked. They seemed downright shocked. Maybe the speeches made them feel guilty? Maybe some people were cultural Mormons who didn't believe everything they heard in the walls of the church building? Maybe some people hated the Book of Mormon? I loved the Book of Mormon for a long time. Surely I would rub some people the wrong way!
And then there was the idea that people would get offended and not attend again. Every six months, in General Conference, LDS people get to hear how they are supposed to live. They hear speeches from the General Authorities on different LDS topics. The General Authorities were fond of saying that if you are offended by someone, that is no reason to stop attending. Basically, if you are offended, that is your problem. But, after about the age of 25, I started to get offended by many things. First I noticed that the speakers in sacrament meeting often used bad grammar. But after that age of thirty, I started hearing things come out of people's mouths that sounded wrong. They didn't sound like Church doctrine. A lot of things weren't Church doctrine. But some of the things that sounded wrong really were Church doctrine. I realized that a lot of people were parroting a lot of untrue things in church. One person would say something. Then another person would say it, too.
And then I started to notice, about five years ago, that some of the things they said in church weren't just wrong or untrue, they were mean, hateful things. They said mean things about people grieving the death of a loved one. They said means things about the mentally ill. They said mean things about people who didn't give their all. They said mean things about lazy people. And the meanness didn't abate. It got worse and worse. It got so that everyone sounded either shallow or completely stupid.
I had been offended over and over and over again. I began to realize that something was wrong with a certain percentage of people in the LDS Church. They were mean. They were shallow. They were uneducated. They were close-minded. They didn't travel. They only associated with immediate and extended family members. They were overworked and didn't take time to nurture their friendships, including with me. The people's focuses in life began to be offensive. I would develop feelings of jealousy when a group of people decided they were going to the temple. Some people would talk about going to the temple in front of me just because I was beginning to hate the idea and refused to have my temple recommend renewed. I had uncovered a pattern of feelings of unworthiness whenever I thought about renewing it. They thought I had done something wrong. I was unknowingly dissing the temple because I thought something was wrong with it. And I kept thinking of reasons I couldn't go, mostly because I was never, ever worthy enough to go. I hadn't done any of the horrible things they thought I had, though. Mostly, my evil was an imagined entity. Even if I was becoming evil, I was never worried about any evil that actually really existed in my person. It was all overly imaginative anxiety. It was based on the LDS Church's definition of evil, not a practical encounter of truly bad habits or attitudes.
In the end, I couldn't fit in. Everyone else was getting on with their lives. And I was left worrying futilely about my own salvation. I just couldn't get it together. And time was passing! I was over thirty! And I still hadn't gone to the temple to get my endowments!
But this idea of unworthiness started to dissolve. And it turned to a disgust for the things talked about in church. And I began to admit I didn't like LDS men, which was horrible for me, because I thought I was supposed to marry one of them.
After a while, I admitted to myself that I didn't even like LDS people as a whole, especially while they were busy trying to be LDS, which was basically in every spare minute that they had. While I do not think that I truly hate all LDS people, I have a suspicion of them and what is on their minds. After all, I was one of them. I think I have a few LDS friends left. I'm just not making the effort to contact them until I am more right with myself and my position in regards to the LDS religion. I am not interested in insincere conversations about being LDS or liking being LDS. About a month ago, I finished unloading a boat load of anger, and I am still kind of bitter and frightened.
And when you think about what it really means when they say that the LDS Church is perfect but the people are not, I am stuck in a logical quandary. For what else is a church, but a group of people getting together to worship in a particular way? For if the LDS people are not perfect, including the top leaders, the LDS Church cannot be perfect at all. A church is a group of people. If a group of people is imperfect, then a church they form will be imperfect as well. This could probably apply to any church on earth! Basically, my brainwashing is undone. The LDS Church is indeed imperfect.
Church was a trigger for insanity?
One thing that I grew up with and agreed with told me that I had to keep going to church even if it was a miserable experience. I was told, along with a lot of other members, that the LDS Church was perfect, but the people in it were not. I swallowed this whole. Most people took this idea to mean that if someone at church offended you, you were supposed to keep going anyway, because the Church was perfect. This was all part of the brainwashing. It wasn't that there was nothing brilliant about the way the LDS Church was run. It was that there were a lot of problems that people constantly turned their backs on. The content of a Sunday School lesson was lame and banal. A Relief Society lesson seemed filled with lies. A bishop gave someone brutally rude and untrue advice. Someone killed himself because he was gay. These problems were glaring, but often ignored.
I believed that the Church was perfect. I would talk about how we, as LDS people, had the truth, to my friends who were LDS. I was supposed to be really righteous and spiritual because I liked the LDS Church. But what surprised me was the fact that not everyone responded with glee to these speeches. Some people seemed floored, as in shocked. They seemed downright shocked. Maybe the speeches made them feel guilty? Maybe some people were cultural Mormons who didn't believe everything they heard in the walls of the church building? Maybe some people hated the Book of Mormon? I loved the Book of Mormon for a long time. Surely I would rub some people the wrong way!
And then there was the idea that people would get offended and not attend again. Every six months, in General Conference, LDS people get to hear how they are supposed to live. They hear speeches from the General Authorities on different LDS topics. The General Authorities were fond of saying that if you are offended by someone, that is no reason to stop attending. Basically, if you are offended, that is your problem. But, after about the age of 25, I started to get offended by many things. First I noticed that the speakers in sacrament meeting often used bad grammar. But after that age of thirty, I started hearing things come out of people's mouths that sounded wrong. They didn't sound like Church doctrine. A lot of things weren't Church doctrine. But some of the things that sounded wrong really were Church doctrine. I realized that a lot of people were parroting a lot of untrue things in church. One person would say something. Then another person would say it, too.
And then I started to notice, about five years ago, that some of the things they said in church weren't just wrong or untrue, they were mean, hateful things. They said mean things about people grieving the death of a loved one. They said means things about the mentally ill. They said mean things about people who didn't give their all. They said mean things about lazy people. And the meanness didn't abate. It got worse and worse. It got so that everyone sounded either shallow or completely stupid.
I had been offended over and over and over again. I began to realize that something was wrong with a certain percentage of people in the LDS Church. They were mean. They were shallow. They were uneducated. They were close-minded. They didn't travel. They only associated with immediate and extended family members. They were overworked and didn't take time to nurture their friendships, including with me. The people's focuses in life began to be offensive. I would develop feelings of jealousy when a group of people decided they were going to the temple. Some people would talk about going to the temple in front of me just because I was beginning to hate the idea and refused to have my temple recommend renewed. I had uncovered a pattern of feelings of unworthiness whenever I thought about renewing it. They thought I had done something wrong. I was unknowingly dissing the temple because I thought something was wrong with it. And I kept thinking of reasons I couldn't go, mostly because I was never, ever worthy enough to go. I hadn't done any of the horrible things they thought I had, though. Mostly, my evil was an imagined entity. Even if I was becoming evil, I was never worried about any evil that actually really existed in my person. It was all overly imaginative anxiety. It was based on the LDS Church's definition of evil, not a practical encounter of truly bad habits or attitudes.
In the end, I couldn't fit in. Everyone else was getting on with their lives. And I was left worrying futilely about my own salvation. I just couldn't get it together. And time was passing! I was over thirty! And I still hadn't gone to the temple to get my endowments!
But this idea of unworthiness started to dissolve. And it turned to a disgust for the things talked about in church. And I began to admit I didn't like LDS men, which was horrible for me, because I thought I was supposed to marry one of them.
After a while, I admitted to myself that I didn't even like LDS people as a whole, especially while they were busy trying to be LDS, which was basically in every spare minute that they had. While I do not think that I truly hate all LDS people, I have a suspicion of them and what is on their minds. After all, I was one of them. I think I have a few LDS friends left. I'm just not making the effort to contact them until I am more right with myself and my position in regards to the LDS religion. I am not interested in insincere conversations about being LDS or liking being LDS. About a month ago, I finished unloading a boat load of anger, and I am still kind of bitter and frightened.
And when you think about what it really means when they say that the LDS Church is perfect but the people are not, I am stuck in a logical quandary. For what else is a church, but a group of people getting together to worship in a particular way? For if the LDS people are not perfect, including the top leaders, the LDS Church cannot be perfect at all. A church is a group of people. If a group of people is imperfect, then a church they form will be imperfect as well. This could probably apply to any church on earth! Basically, my brainwashing is undone. The LDS Church is indeed imperfect.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Totally Insane
No one taught me what to do next because there was no next. That was supposed to be life. It was supposed to save my life. Instead, it nearly buried me.
When I speak of hearing voices, I speak of a few events only. The voice that said, "Save yourself," I experienced in 2005. At that point, my religion had taught me that I would find personal fulfillment and eternal salvation by helping others. Charity was one of the traits that defined a pure, virtuous person going to the Celestial Kingdom, or highest heaven. If we did what the Church told us, we would learn charity and sacrifice. Apparently, sacrifice was often taught, along with strict obedience to Mormon leaders.
There were only a few very, very big problems with this line of thinking. First of all, the service projects that I participated in while inside the LDS Church were not service projects of my own choosing. Often, a whole bunch of people would come to work on a project for a few hours, often on a Saturday. Then we would go home and have nothing to do with the project again. We never, as individuals, chose what we would like to do to serve someone. The Church, however, would often recommend projects that were in its interest. Or a compassionate service leader would suggest a project. It seemed that a lot of pure, personal service was diluted by ordered or recommended service. And often, lots of people would be in on one project, contributing miniscule amounts of labor to a large scheme. Again, the notion of individually chosen projects that did not rely on the Church often failed or wilted. There simply wasn't time to do anything outside of the Church's program. As a result, I often felt disconnected from the goodness of service. I did not like it.
Second, I was in massive trouble in my own life. I continued to try to attend church meetings, only to realize that I could not stand them much at all. If I actually made it to church one Sunday, I could end up feeling worse afterward. I often did not even notice this. Also, I was going more and more insane. I got delusional and thought a number of crazy things. I began to limit my activities based on "answers" to prayers that were often paranoid and illogical. I was going insane. And after I heard the voice telling me to save myself, I really literal got more and more in need of some literal kind of saving. I was getting less and less healthy. And my addiction to a prescription drug was starting to waste away my mind and body. I had symptoms of schizophrenia and autism that started to appear out of nowhere. I had super-sensititve hearing and overall muscle weakness. I didn't eat enough food. I had an eating disorder and often thought about losing weight. I was often depressed. When I tried to exercise, it would only deplete me. And I had symptoms indicating that I was developing diabetes. I had some very scary episodes of high and low blood sugar. Some of this was caused by undertreatment of mental and physical issues. Some of it was caused by the prescription drug to which I was addicted.
So far, the LDS Church had not saved me one whit. And I was going to go do something for someone through that church? Was I insane? At this point, I know that I was under a very strong illusion that refused to fade due to years of religious brainwashing. But I was being shown, by the whole Universe (I am sure this includes God) that I was destroying myself. How could I offer help to others in my insanity and ill-health? How could I serve the monster sapping me of my life force? It was beginning to be blasphemous to all of reality. I was being socked in the jaw by reality, and I could not even stop to acknowledge it. Though when I heard the voice saying two simple words--"Save yourself," I had to start thinking. What was it that I was supposed to do to help myself? For the first time, helping myself started to seem bigger than the LDS Church. For the first time, sense started to break through. I was being shown the higher way out of my mess. I didn't realize it was the higher way, but I began to act as if it had more importance than any institution. Even though I ran into lots and lots of bad advice, I began to learn how to sift through it. I started to learn to recognize the real Truth, not the truth taught to me as LDS dogma.
Despite the fact that I started acting like I wanted to help myself, I deteriorated further and further into insane delusions, and probably began hallucinating at a point that I didn't even realize. I ended up in the hospital the next year, where I got the medication that I continue to take to this day. One of the nurses said that the schizophrenic symptoms I had came on in an unusually late onset. It was not that common for such symptoms to show up in a person's 30's. At this point, I agree and disagree. I do think that persons showing mild signs of delusions can get worse and worse through life and go crazy at a later age. I also think that the way I was living my life could only make me insane. I did, I realized later, show slight signs of being delusional. And yes, my life had driven me crazy. No one in the mental health system gave me proper diagnosis and treatment. In fact, some of the mental health practitioners showed a desire to destroy me rather then make me more healthy. And the LDS Church did not help at all. As I got more and more isolated, the LDS Church did me less and less good. I now understand that bad religions only make their followers completely insane.
It is okay to be a little unrealistic with kooky ideas. But I far surpassed this state in 2006. I really, truly became insane on a level I had never associated with my personality. I knew myself as unrealistic, but also as possessing a kind of common sense. But for a while, the common sense I possessed completely disappeared. It didn't appear again until the year 2007. For, even while I had a good medication to treat my symptoms, it took a while for my symptoms to go down enough that I wasn't constantly battling delusions.
Again, a big pseudo THANKS A LOT.
When I speak of hearing voices, I speak of a few events only. The voice that said, "Save yourself," I experienced in 2005. At that point, my religion had taught me that I would find personal fulfillment and eternal salvation by helping others. Charity was one of the traits that defined a pure, virtuous person going to the Celestial Kingdom, or highest heaven. If we did what the Church told us, we would learn charity and sacrifice. Apparently, sacrifice was often taught, along with strict obedience to Mormon leaders.
There were only a few very, very big problems with this line of thinking. First of all, the service projects that I participated in while inside the LDS Church were not service projects of my own choosing. Often, a whole bunch of people would come to work on a project for a few hours, often on a Saturday. Then we would go home and have nothing to do with the project again. We never, as individuals, chose what we would like to do to serve someone. The Church, however, would often recommend projects that were in its interest. Or a compassionate service leader would suggest a project. It seemed that a lot of pure, personal service was diluted by ordered or recommended service. And often, lots of people would be in on one project, contributing miniscule amounts of labor to a large scheme. Again, the notion of individually chosen projects that did not rely on the Church often failed or wilted. There simply wasn't time to do anything outside of the Church's program. As a result, I often felt disconnected from the goodness of service. I did not like it.
Second, I was in massive trouble in my own life. I continued to try to attend church meetings, only to realize that I could not stand them much at all. If I actually made it to church one Sunday, I could end up feeling worse afterward. I often did not even notice this. Also, I was going more and more insane. I got delusional and thought a number of crazy things. I began to limit my activities based on "answers" to prayers that were often paranoid and illogical. I was going insane. And after I heard the voice telling me to save myself, I really literal got more and more in need of some literal kind of saving. I was getting less and less healthy. And my addiction to a prescription drug was starting to waste away my mind and body. I had symptoms of schizophrenia and autism that started to appear out of nowhere. I had super-sensititve hearing and overall muscle weakness. I didn't eat enough food. I had an eating disorder and often thought about losing weight. I was often depressed. When I tried to exercise, it would only deplete me. And I had symptoms indicating that I was developing diabetes. I had some very scary episodes of high and low blood sugar. Some of this was caused by undertreatment of mental and physical issues. Some of it was caused by the prescription drug to which I was addicted.
So far, the LDS Church had not saved me one whit. And I was going to go do something for someone through that church? Was I insane? At this point, I know that I was under a very strong illusion that refused to fade due to years of religious brainwashing. But I was being shown, by the whole Universe (I am sure this includes God) that I was destroying myself. How could I offer help to others in my insanity and ill-health? How could I serve the monster sapping me of my life force? It was beginning to be blasphemous to all of reality. I was being socked in the jaw by reality, and I could not even stop to acknowledge it. Though when I heard the voice saying two simple words--"Save yourself," I had to start thinking. What was it that I was supposed to do to help myself? For the first time, helping myself started to seem bigger than the LDS Church. For the first time, sense started to break through. I was being shown the higher way out of my mess. I didn't realize it was the higher way, but I began to act as if it had more importance than any institution. Even though I ran into lots and lots of bad advice, I began to learn how to sift through it. I started to learn to recognize the real Truth, not the truth taught to me as LDS dogma.
Despite the fact that I started acting like I wanted to help myself, I deteriorated further and further into insane delusions, and probably began hallucinating at a point that I didn't even realize. I ended up in the hospital the next year, where I got the medication that I continue to take to this day. One of the nurses said that the schizophrenic symptoms I had came on in an unusually late onset. It was not that common for such symptoms to show up in a person's 30's. At this point, I agree and disagree. I do think that persons showing mild signs of delusions can get worse and worse through life and go crazy at a later age. I also think that the way I was living my life could only make me insane. I did, I realized later, show slight signs of being delusional. And yes, my life had driven me crazy. No one in the mental health system gave me proper diagnosis and treatment. In fact, some of the mental health practitioners showed a desire to destroy me rather then make me more healthy. And the LDS Church did not help at all. As I got more and more isolated, the LDS Church did me less and less good. I now understand that bad religions only make their followers completely insane.
It is okay to be a little unrealistic with kooky ideas. But I far surpassed this state in 2006. I really, truly became insane on a level I had never associated with my personality. I knew myself as unrealistic, but also as possessing a kind of common sense. But for a while, the common sense I possessed completely disappeared. It didn't appear again until the year 2007. For, even while I had a good medication to treat my symptoms, it took a while for my symptoms to go down enough that I wasn't constantly battling delusions.
Again, a big pseudo THANKS A LOT.
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