Don't Even Think About It

As you can see, I am now telling more specifics of my story in the Mormon Church. I did not guess before at how horrible it really was for me.

For a lot of Mormons, there is the Mormonism from the LDS pamphlets and magazines. Everyone is clean and happy. The temples are beautiful. The people are spiritual. The lifestyles are clean and simple.

But there is obviously a lot more to Mormonism than the obvious PR efforts of the LDS Church. These PR efforts don't just fool people who are not Mormon. They fool Mormons. Apparently, the brainwashing required to believe everything the LDS Church tells a person is at a very high level. I can tell you that I believe that many people are pulled into the LDS Church, or pulled out of the position of doubting because the PR is so beautiful. If you pick up a copy of the Ensign, the LDS Church's monthly magazine, you will find calming photography and articles that seem to talk about how to be a happier, more well-adjusted person. The PR is way too beautiful.

What is not beautiful is the experience of an inquisitive, inquiring, intelligent member of the Mormon Church. If you have the brains to question your leaders, you may be suddenly pulled back into a cycle of "repentance." If you speak to your bishop, he will ask you if you have been doing things right and give you a lecture about how you're supposed to read your scriptures and pray twice daily and serve others. He will lecture you on your personal obligations. If you have doubts, it's your fault, not the fault of the leaders or the doctrine.

If you read church literature, looking for confirmations of your new ideas, you may feel confused, and again chastised for doubting. You may be told to stop seeking the mysteries that you have no business knowing. You may be told your idea is flat wrong, even if you have actively put this idea to the test and gotten good results.

And then, you are told you must remain loyal to the LDS Church. Your fate as a person who "falls away" from this organization is that you have become evil, or someone who misleads others. You may be pointed to the chapter in the Book of Mormon about Zeezrom the Anti-Christ. (Alma 30) You may be told that you will not inherit the Celestial Kingdom, the place in the Afterlife that the LDS people believe is the place where the good people are rewarded. You may be told that you are a son or a daughter of perdition. A son or daughter of perdition, in LDS speak, is someone who sinned against the greater light. They have sinned against the Holy Ghost by denying the truths that they were formerly taught. They inherit hell, or outer darkness. They are the children of the devil. They do not inherit a pleasant kingdom of glory.

Basically, you are scared shitless to even leave the LDS Church. And if you do, you may believe that the world you are to embrace is too frightening or evil to live in. You may want to come back, even if leaving seemed like a good idea in the past.

I will tell you that it is indeed very lonely to not participate in the LDS Church, once you have left it. It is for me. All of your social contacts end up being inside the Church. You may lack a social life for a while during the time you are figuring out your beliefs and what kind of person you will next be able to trust.

But it is very worth it, in my mind, to learn how to trust in myself. I was not taught by the Church to trust myself. I was taught to do what my leaders told me to do. And I was told that my life was not for my pleasure. It was to serve God. But, the more I made life my pleasure, my comfort, my well-being, the less brainwashed I got. I now believe that I took several years to unbrainwash enough to even think about never going back. To be born into the LDS Church is to have your life determined by someone else. If I had known that as a child, I may never have gone back after my first bout of doubting.