Freedom

Dealing with all the negativity of my religious situation has been difficult for me. It would have been easier to lie and say that it was all okay.

But that would be too much of a lie, more of a lie than I like to tell these days.

I think it is therapeutic, however, to realize the truth I have been storing up inside for some time. Making logical sense of it is the task before me.

As I continue to not go to church I have feelings of emptiness along with feelings of relief. I realize how much freer I am to do what I want with my time and money. Part of me is still so used to being a prisoner to an overly narrow belief system that I crave another overly structured, imprisoning situation. I taste a glimpse of what it would be like to be enclosed in a cell for several years, and then be let out.

Freedom is a learned skill.

I am glad to not be paying tithing anymore, but wonder what I will do with my money in the future. It doesn't matter how little money I may have. I depended on the structure to give me security. If I can't donate to a church, what am I supposed to do? I must say that even though it would be logical to be happy I could save more for myself and have more comforts and only give to causes that really pleased me, I am at a loss.

This is life? Is this all there is?

Appreciating freedom is a learned skill.

Being free sometimes means that we are tied up in learning to make decisions for ourselves. The anxiety of having to choose an entire path for yourself can feel like a confusing chore that darts in and out of sight.

Choosing the truths to believe to guide my life by can be trying.

Am I supposed to keep the Sabbath Day holy?

Could I ever order a drink at a bar?

If I had children, what would I tell them about the morality and immorality of sexual activity?

What actually matters for me now?

Can I swear?

Some questions seem big. Some seem petty. But they are all there. They have all occurred to me at some point this week.

Being free is actually a very large responsibility.