My Reasons Are Important

I absolutely cannot believe myself today! I started feeling really bad. I couldn't believe I had been thinking horrible things about the Mormon Church. I sort of wanted to go back. But now as I type this, the episode has vanished. I think I started feeling really sorry for myself that what used to be my social arena was yanked out from under me. I wondered if I could go to a meeting. It seemed that for a few hours, I would have gone to another church meeting. And then, I started watching a stupid movie on AMC and now I don't care to go back. It was an episode of brainwashed irrationality!

I absolutely cannot go back! I am obviously in a grieving process. And my brainwashing is still being undone.

Oh man. This seems to be the dangerous time. It seems that absolute hatred of the Mormon Church is too strong for me right now. I am still feeling sensitive that I ever did anything for that church. It's like I'm saying inside, "Say those horrible things. I can see how they're true." And then the other half of me says, "Oh, please don't say that. I was a real Mormon. It comforted me."

Basically, I don't think that going completely bitter is for me. I think the problem is black and white thinking. It seemed that I had to have black and white thinking to believe the Mormon stuff. The "white" thinking was "This is a great church. The hymns bring in the Spirit. God loves me. I feel the Spirit. You are not a member of my church. You must feel so awful! Wasn't General Conference great!" The "black" thinking is, "That church is a cult! Those people take away your freedom! Their doctrines are horrible. What I saw in the temple is shocking! They're all brainwashed!"

It seems that learning thinking that resides in the middle is more for me. I think that the dark thinking at its darkest is not anything my heart can abide. But when I think about how unhappy I was and what my beliefs are now, that makes me feel better. I think it is essential to my recovery from that horrible church to know the worst stuff, especially some of the thoughts of others wanting to break from it. On a certain level, it strengthens me and makes me understand some of my weirder, more disturbing memories.

But those most awful things were not why I quit attending. They are not why I am thinking of having my name taken out of the membership. My own misery and my own doubt and my own disgust in believing in such a narrow-minded God are why I am gone. My own beliefs about good and evil and holy books are why I am gone. I am not just becoming bitter. I am becoming my own person. I am developing my own positive and negative views. I am becoming a more healthy, normal version of myself.

I was not fighting for the right to say the most horrible things I could think of to say to the LDS Church. I was fighting for the right to no longer be harassed, to be free, to love the truth and not lies. I was fighting to have a better life.

I am not getting out to make excuses and tell everyone that it was all the Mormon's fault. I am getting out to save my soul. I am getting out so my heart doesn't have to be staked over and over again. I am getting out so my natural intelligence won't be cursed anymore. I am getting out to be more tolerant of the people of the world. I am getting out to have a more abundant life. I am getting out so that if I marry I can marry any man I choose, not just someone who talks about the temple and his mission and why being a man with the priesthood is so special.

I like people. I like a variety of people. I don't like a clone. I like a real person. I want real friends. In the Mormon Church, I had friends that lied too much to be true friends. When I get over the injuries of feeling brainwashed and feeling like I've wasted my life I will start to make more friends. I will go places I want to go. I will do things I want to do. And when that happens, I know that real friends start to follow.

And what if I reconnect with old friends and discover that some really were friends?

I can feel the difference between asserting my needs and beliefs and taking on other's frustration. I am not ready to absorb the hurts of all who are bitter. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that I save myself and then get to see the best I seek in humanity again.

I don't have to be bitter. Being bitter makes me feel so bad that it pushes me back. Being myself keeps me out of horrible organizations. Being myself builds someone who would not let others take excessive advantage of her. I am discovering my own value. I am discovering who does have the truth. And so many people live with good things in their lives. I want to be one of those people, and I want to be free.