Am I Still A Child?

I have received some of my books from Amazon.com. I have started reading, "Under the Banner of Heaven" and am halfway through "Beyond Mormonism: An Elder's Story." I am also enjoying my Holman Student Bible. It looks like the type of Bible that young Christians and Jews use. I love it! It is in color, too!

I think that I am starting to realize that some people are snagged into joining the LDS Church because they are attracted to what looks like the truth. Also, some missionaries use leading questions that make you assume they are teaching you the truth. This is being made clear to me as I read "Beyond Mormonism."

I think I am also surprised by the conclusion the author of "Beyond Mormonism" when he claimed that he and his wife, while still members of the LDS Church, were stuck in a rut. Then, after they leave the Church, they finally starting progressing again. I must say that the LDS Church has had me stuck too. I have been stuck in shame, hatred of self, reading the same church literature over and over again, feeling like a six-year-old instead of an adult, afraid and unable to make my own decisions, afraid to even think about the things that would happen should I even go against Church doctrine.

I think that the truth is this: I was stuck in a parent/child relationship with the LDS Church. I was the child. The LDS Church was the parent. As long as I stayed in the LDS Church, I would be taken care of. Now that I am heading toward the exit I have to say that last month was the first time that I had a sense of myself as an adult. I actually felt grown-up.

I think that now that I am making my own choices about what I will believe and what I will disbelieve, I am starting to feel a maturity that I thought I would never feel. I will say that I actually believe that being an adult is about making my own choices despite what everyone else says.

I feel like an adult because I am thinking about moral scenarios. What will happen if I make that decision? Would I feel comfortable making that decision? I am deciding what moral boundaries I have based on my own judgment. This makes me feel grown-up as well.

Using my own mind to decide things is actually really, really good. God gave me a brain that I may use it. That is what I really think. How many others have felt like children because they were part of a strict, life-encompassing organization? How many others couldn't even claim their wisdom as they entered old age?

I think that in making me a child, the LDS Church was taking away my dignity. I had no sense of dignity. I was supposed to have humility. I was supposed to defer to others for their judgment of my problems. I was supposed to be completely loyal to something that began to slowly fall apart. I was supposed to believe that the arbitrary voices and opinions of my leaders was the voice of God.

I think that when the LDS Church is accused of being polytheistic it is about more than their unique take on the doctrine of the trinity. First, they tell members that if they are righteous and make it into the Celestial Kingdom and have entered into a celestial marriage, that they are destined to become gods in the next life. Second, many different men with the priesthood have claimed to be able to speak for God. Everyone from your bishop to the prophet of the LDS Church is able to tell you what to do because they speak the words of God. The LDS people can't just decide to do what one living prophet tells them to do. They also believe they are bound to do what every other priesthood leader over them tells them to do. They are given instruction until they have no time to do anything else in their lives. I believe that this is polytheistic as well.

I think that I was very overwhelmed by the idea that if I died righteous having been married in the temple that I would become a goddess with my god husband. I couldn't imagine having to carry out the responsibility of peopling and creating and ruling new worlds. This was too overwhelming. I just didn't see it in myself. After all, my leaders, and certain Book of Mormon doctrines, made me feel poorly about myself. My own self-image made it impossible for me to believe that I could rule myself. I was supposed to mope about in guilt and shame in this life, just waiting to be exalted and high self-esteem in the next life. It was too much of a leap.

Not only was I psychologically unprepared for the promises of the next life, I was also caught in a reasoning problem. Even if I did earn godhood, would that mean that for the billions of people on the earth, the billions of couples, that there was room in the universe for all of them to start new worlds? I really am straining to believe that that is a good idea.

I am also straining to believe that anyone knows the nature of God enough to be able to say that this is what we will be doing in the next life. Can we actually become gods? Are we god material? How do we know that we are god material if we cannot all agree on who and what God really is? How do we know if he has a body of flesh and blood? How do we know what properties and divinities and spiritual essences make him God? How do we know what role mortal gender plays in who is considered God? The LDS Church claims to know all of this. I think they claim it in arrogance. For many people, the nature of God is a concept that is either too sacred or too controversial.

At this point, I would say that the Mormon machine claims to churn out god material. I would only hope to ever claim to make myself material of goodness. How could I claim anything else?