Fear or Love?

Well, after all of the horror of being LDS, I truly lost the ability to take it anymore. And they were unsympathetic about my fears. I was supposed to conquer them all, otherwise, I wasn't righteous.

But 1 John 4:18 had a different message. It says, "There is no fear in love." We were taught to love our leaders and the scriptures. And we were taught to fear our leaders and fear what would happen if we didn't follow them. And the love and fear were incompatible. I noticed that I did not care about the late-LDS prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley one bit. And I didn't like his words to us at General Conference. It just did not seem right at all when I heard him speak. I was supposed to fear what would happen if I didn't follow his advice, or the advice of the Twelve Apostles under him. In the end, I ended up brushing it aside. I didn't fear what would happen to me. I wasn't convinced he ever spoke more than shallow flattery.

It was others that I feared, and they first impressed me, and later, they baffled me. After a while, I had less fear, and I had no love for them. These were the people who caused me fear? And without the fear, I was unimpressed. There was no love. It was all a brainwashed spell. And the fear their words caused me started to recede. No love. No admiration. No concern for my eternal soul. The leaders became clueless spewers of PR.

It is true that there is no fear in love. There was no love. It did not cast out my fear. I started to cast it out as I started to doubt and become more and more inactive in the Mormon Church.

And it was true, as it says it 1 John 4:18 that "fear hath torment." If there was real love in all the words and advice and overzealousness of the LDS Church, it would have soothed me and helped me with my fears about life. Instead, it created fears. And the torment, the shame, the anxiety, the lack of self-esteem, the tiredness of body and mind, that was the torment. I actually supposed that I deserved it at certain times. More torment.

"He that feareth is not made perfect in love." These words described me. They tell me that I was not being surrounded by the pure love of Christ. True charity was often not bestowed upon my soul. When I decided to give myself a break, I started teaching myself charity. Whenever anyone sincerely told me that I didn't need to be perfect, I experienced charity. I experienced true relief. I experienced the true love that exudes from the truest form of Christianity. I had opportunities to show myself that love and others had opportunities as well.

The love I was shown was not from the organization of the LDS Church. It was from seemingly ordinary, sometimes brilliant, sometimes incredibly unremarkable reminders to stop being hard on myself. Being hard on myself is one of the things I strive to leave behind as I leave behind the cult-like anxieties of being actively LDS. If a thought that I must finish everything perfectly or despair comes into my head, I have the opportunity to say, "Hey, it's fine. What I did is significant and useful. I can stop and rest. My muscles are sore anyway."

I now have to fuel myself and have enough strength to do everyday things and continue projects. Otherwise, it is too much and I need to stop. I only burn all the fuel I have when something is at unusually high stakes. It used to be that everyday was high stakes. Now it is time to let my adrenal glands recover. Everyday is a chance to wake up and act alive. Acting alive does not have to equate with burning myself out.

Matthew 11:28-30 now has more meaning to me:

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
"For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

A Gospel of compassion is so much easier than a theology of fear. And it teaches so much more about how we treat ourselves and others. I fear that if I ever go back to such a strict religious practice, I will be in danger of treating others so that they learn fear and not love. That is not my goal. And right now, figuring out what I really believe and how to keep myself out of a state of depletion is my goal. I start with myself if I am to change the world around me.