Still Undoing Brainwashing

Today, I started writing my resignation letter so that I could resign from the LDS Church. It started out okay. I copied a form letter on a website, and then I began to give my reasons for leaving the church. I stopped at one point and got up from my desk. I realized that I actually still, somewhere believed in my heart, that some of it was true. I began to read my Bible and I realized that the doctrine that I was writing was not true had basis in another doctrine in my Bible. I realized that although I am believing in certain things irrationally, they started in the Bible as another doctrine.

The doctrine I am speaking about is the doctrine in the Doctrine and Covenants about the three degrees of glory in the next life. I stated, in my writing, that I did not believe that the highest degree of glory, the Celestial Kingdom, was a real place. I began to feel uneasy about that statement. The fact is that even if my mind lets go of the belief in a Celestial Kingdom, there is a Bible doctrine in 1 Corinthians about the glory of resurrected beings in the next life. Two glories are named--celestial and terrestrial. However, according to the Bible, they are not places, they are just states of glory.

According to the Mormon Church, there are three degrees of glory possible to inherit in the next life--the Celestial Kingdom, the Terrestrial Kingdom, and the Telestial Kingdom. Joseph Smith made up a name for the lowest--"telestial." And he called them kingdoms. And he has a whole spiel in Doctrine and Covenants 76 about which sins and life choices put people in which kingdom. That is the main problem. I believe that wherever and however you end up in the next life cannot be possibly determined by the words of a mere man. I do believe that there is a large amount of Mormon snobbery going on. Mormons believe that you must accept their religion either in this life or the next life or you won't be able to inherit the most glorious kingdom with the most privileges--the Celestial Kingdom.

My problems stem from believing that Joseph Smith must have thought he was something special to be able to tell everyone what they needed to do to inherit the celestial kingdom. He really thought that his narrow religion was what determined who got all the good stuff in heaven. And it annoys me to think that good people of other faiths would not be able to be considered worthy of the highest that God has to offer people in the next life. I think that I am more wrapped up in the idea of fairness. I am currently less wrapped up in the literal existence of any "kingdom of glory."

I think that understanding my priorities and positions on certain LDS doctrines is still a process that I am in. I am not completely over the Mormon Church yet. And I have obviously not undone all of my brainwashing yet. I was raised to be in that church for life. What else would happen if I tried to deny it all at once?

I get tired of reading and writing and looking, but I still need to do a lot more writing. I think that I am going to look at writing that letter about three months from now. Maybe I could look at resigning and writing the letter again in May? That might be enough time to see if I am progressing and if I am ready to let go of it all. No one changes their beliefs all at once. It is often a gradual process, sometimes with subtleties that would surprise anyone.