Heresies

There are heresies that I am sick of believing. I am very, very sick of believing them. Whenever I get in touch with these personal heresies, I become ill, or have a desire to suddenly argue all day long about why they are so horrible.

1. Mormons are Christians. While I cannot completely argue away this idea, I hate it. Why? Because Mormonism distorts Christianity. Mormonism fractures Christianity and then regrows its limbs in hideous, twisted shapes. Mormons are told to have charity by the Book of Mormon, but Mormon leaders have little charity for those with troubled minds and consciences. Why do I know this? I have talked to plenty of bishops who only seem able to give hackneyed or insensitive advice and then banish me from the office with the idea that they are too busy to have any time with me. I am also appalled by the way Mormons portray the traits of God and Jesus Christ. And I am appalled at the magical way Mormons have of looking at the atonement.

2. Satan and Jesus Christ were brothers in the pre-existence. This is a really, really bad one. Why would something as evil as Satan be produced by the same father as something as good as Jesus Christ. Mormons do not appreciate Jesus Christ's power to save, and they do not appreciate the full evil of a figure like Satan. In fact, as far as I know, Satan was birthed by something that was not god. Perhaps something evil? I realized this when I read a verse in Revelations about where Satan came from and who he really is.

3. The atonement of Jesus Christ will fix everything if we have faith. What? Many Mormons believe that the atonement of Jesus Christ will fix their lives right now. I call this a kind of magical thinking. Mormons don't just believe that repentance will help people now. They don't just believe the atonement of Jesus Christ is what is needed to gain salvation in the next life. They actually believe that it will fix your life now. How this could be I could never figure out. It was never explained well to me. But it does smack of magical thinking.

4. Even though Jesus Christ died for our sins we will be rewarded for our works. If we do too many wrong things and not enough of the right ones, our souls will not be saved. Basically, Mormons believe you have to do a number of things to get salvation. They don't believe people in a sinful state can be saved. They think that you have to repent of everything that would keep you out of the highest degree of heaven. And they don't believe in death bed repentance either. Basically, Mormons have put many of the peoples of the world in a rough spot. I do not believe that Jesus Christ would leave someone who has managed to neglect repenting of a few small sins in a horrible place like spirit prison, but this is what Mormons believe. And then they believe there is no chance for repentance or changing in the Afterlife. I do not think that Mormons believe in being saved by grace. But why would a loving soul like Jesus Christ make it possible for everyone to be ressurrected, but then neglect to show imperfect people how they can be saved? So many people die imperfect. I do not believe there is one truly perfect person on earth, no matter how that person may be worshipped by his/her peers. Basically, I believe that Jesus is merciful to those who try to be good, no matter how they fail in each individual work. The whole right/wrong dichotomy tests the best of us. Don't you think that someone who atoned for your sins would save you in the next life rather than letting you be condemned to hell for an eternity for a tiny thing? The Pharisees strained at a gnat. I guess Mormons do, too.

5. You must go through a temple of God on earth and obey the prophet and all of the priesthood holders above you or you won't get to the highest degree of heaven. Wait a minute! Why would ten priesthood holders above me be able to keep me out of heaven if God could snatch me out of hell and put me in heaven? God is more powerful than any prophet or priesthood holder. After all, all they happen to be is men who got ordained by other men to what Mormons call the priesthood. Even if there was a true prophet on earth, he wouldn't be able to keep me out of heaven just because he didn't like my hairstyle, how many earrings I wear, and my health habits. Yet, this is how Mormons think. You can't take a sip of wine ever. You can't wear anything improper like flip-flops to church. On and on and on and on. I think that the "prophets" I've heard speak lately don't have much to say. And what do I think of the temple? Not much. No loving God would rely on something so disturbing.


Basically, I am sick of a lot of things about Mormonism. The last post on a message board that I made about any Mormon doctrine made me really, really mad. I think I am still very angry. I can't get that stuff out of my system. It seems like I am going to be obsessed with it forever. I am not getting it out of my system very fast. I am in touch with a kind of blinding anger that makes no sense. It is because none of this stuff that I was taught when I was growing up makes any sense.

It was all arbitrary. I kept getting new doctrines from Mormon Church leaders. It never ended. I kept finding out ways that I wasn't doing right. It never ended. I was on a hamster wheel, and I was told that it would bring me happiness. Actually, no happiness happened as I treaded the wheel, and I did notice that it took me nowhere. Actually, I got more and more backwards with time. I appeared to be moving backwards, not forwards. I got less and less mentally competent, less and less hopeful. I didn't seem to be able to get it right. I still can't get it right. But I appear to have moved forward instead of backward. I have decided that I, not the LDS Church, am accountable for my choices.

I feel really horrible today. I am rather tired. How am I supposed to keep going on some sort of fake journey? I don't really feel where I am going at all. I think that I am being fake with myself about what my direction in life should be. I have ideas to do things, but it doesn't ring true. I feel fatigue instead of energy. Something is very, very wrong. I might crawl back into bed and do some brainstorming and resting there. Nothing is taking right. It seems all wrong. I am not doing well at all. I have a lot of anger and confusion to deal with. How dare they derail my life so far that I wouldn't know what I wanted if it hit me in the face? It's not right! I'm in my 30's and I'm still trying to find myself?

Thanks a lot Mormon Church for hiding me from myself! Thanks a lot for telling me that I am wrong! Thanks a lot for hiding truth from everyone so that the whole world can be even more messed up than it is! Thanks a lot for letting me crash so badly that my body and mind aren't up to speed enough for me to move out of the traps in my life fast enough! Thanks a lot for turning me into a vegetable and then condemning me for becoming a living person! Thanks so much! Thanks a lot! Thanks a lot!

Go to hell!

I know that this is how I really feel. I feel a hatred in my heart for all the lousy premises of Mormonism. I feel a hatred for the magical thinking. "If you would accept the atonement your life would be better!" I can hear them saying it now! Quit your magical illogical thinking! Value your lives enough to get out of Dodge and start making decisions to save yourself now!

Because that is what a voice in my head said to me in 2005, after I prayed to God to ask how I should help others. I got no answer to the actual question, "How should I serve?" Instead I got a warning in my head, "Save yourself."

The LDS Church taught me that it was wrong for me to want to save myself without saving others. They were fond of talking about how service and missionary work was what really saved your soul. Otherwise, you should do what your leaders said and accept the atonement. Excuse me, people, but have I ever been able to reject the gifts of God that are naturally due to all of his people? When have I ever believed truly that I could not save myself from any kind of ruin? When have I ever wanted to believe that my life was in someone else's hands? Where is the mercy of the merciless? I have relied on evil men to give me advice and straighten my paths through life. When will I ever get out of the nightmare? When will something I think or say be the way to get me out of this hell hole? When will I be able to respect myself? When will I be able to get it right? What is my problem? No! What is your problem? Why can't you tell me the way out of my insoluble mess? Why can't you tell me why I'm still defective? Why can't you give me the time of day just once without a message of guilt about what I am supposed to do? Why are your members starting to shun me? Why do they cringe when I talk about how we can bring good things to ourselves when I speak up in church? Why is everyone so shocked that I have suffered at all? Why have all of my friends so far blamed me? Where is the mercy? When does it end? My heart was bleeding and now it is hardening! What have you brought me to? I was supposed to humble myself and now I am a rebel, hardened by life. Now I can only respond to my survival instinct. Why can I no longer trust anyone? Why are they all vipers? Why do they only care about the empty order of their own lives? Why are they staring into a void and telling me to come with them? When will they grow up and teach real doctrine? Why is it all false? Why don't I fit in?

Where are your souls? Why are they easing into an apathetic laxity? Where is your charity? Why can you only ignore others? Why can you only ridicule me when I do not respond to you the way that you would like? Where is your integrity? Why do I have a sudden urge to sing jazz during the hymns? Why do you care if I do? Why should I even care if I am being proper? Why does it matter so much to wear a skirt to church?

Why do I even bother? If I set foot in a church building ever again, I will wear pants. I wear the pants in my family. Be off with you. I no longer care about your sick game.

Give me strength. I was never talking to a real god. I was talking to the Mormon god. They sapped my faith in Him, the real God. They turned him into a New Age answer.

They answer to no one else, or so they think. Where is my God? I haven't managed to answer that question? The impatience and anger eat me up while I feel that I can do nothing. So far, my own god has been myself. Have they taken the Creator of the Universe away from me? I feel like they have.

They nearly took away my desire to be chaste, virtuous, kind, happy, normal. They nearly took away my desire to live my life. For only a short-tracked treadmill would do. The LDS faith recycled itself daily in my unanswered questions. I kept vomiting all their bad ideas off of the side until I began to step in my own vomit. It was a warning for me to get away.

Now that I am mostly on the outside, I can only stare at the vomit, as if it was some kind of badge of honor. The horror was what began to define me. The nightmare was the real truth. I am hurting inside because I am still attached to the nightmare. No one can get me out.

I know that other people are in the nightmare. So, basically, they can't get me out either. They can help me extricate my body from pits, but they can do nothing if I don't know where I am.

Ifeel angry, and then I feel dead inside.

Where do I go from here? No one taught me the answer to this question.