I Am Becoming Myself

Since my last entry on this blog, I have come to some interesting conclusions. I looked at the NOM (New Order Mormon) message board. I thought that it was an interesting board. The people seemed to be having civil conversations. They liked the LDS Church a lot more than the people on the exmormon board. They were a lot less angry.

At first I thought it was kind of beautiful. All of these people were expressing different opinions without sounding bitter. I have to admit that I was drawn to the lack of bitterness. It was truly a rest from the more bitter-sounding stuff on exmormon.org. I thought that the threads on the board had more depth, especially the threads in which people were philosophizing or reasoning about some issue. I also felt like I had reasoned like a NOM for a long time. I still reason somewhat like a NOM.

There was a problem, however, when I lurked on the NOM board the next day. I realized, that as much as I would like to pretend to be a NOM, I am all the way out. I think that I wished that I had seen that board a year or two earlier when I was thinking in that vein. I would have thought it was great. It may have even helped me more quickly understand that I don't reason like a true blue Mormon.

However, I am dealing with the present time. I cannot actually go back to church. It would be against my values and I would be poisoned by the bad spiritual atmosphere in the church building again. And a woman from the ward called the other day, and she was so rude that I hung up on her. I can't go back to those people. I don't trust them with my emotional well-being. I suppose that I wished I could go back to fool my mother who is pressing on me like a hot iron. But there is no other way to deal with this than with honesty. I think it is a bad deal all around.

I also think that those NOMS are attending better wards than I last attended. The last two wards I attended were so bad that I couldn't even think about going back. I obviously do not believe in the Mormon Church anymore. I think that after lurking on the NOM board a little, I realized that I fundamentally differ from the philosophies of those people. A NOM participates in LDS Church meetings whether or not they believe any Mormon doctrine. I do not participate at all. I am no longer trying some ridiculous balancing act. I'm through.

I realize, as well, that I am not ready to write my whole resignation letter as of yet. I did try it, and it was scary. I am still forming opinions that will allow me to completely comprehend this whole experience of going toward an Ex-Mormon status. I am seduced by all sides of the coin. I see the good. I see the bad. I don't hate active Mormons for liking their faith. It disturbs me that they like their faith, but I don't hate them. I understand it all too well.

I have realized that what is happening is that I am becoming more definite about who I am and what I believe. I more definitely believe that I no longer believe in the Mormon Church. So many things about that church are no longer sacred. If I post on the internet I speak with more certainty, and I do not believe that I am so easily swayed. I am just more honest with myself and honest with others.

In fact, the next time my mother harasses me with her version of the truth, I will tell her what I think of her assailing me with her beliefs without her understanding mine. I will have to tell her if what she says breaches healthy boundaries. She can't terrorize me my whole life. I don't try to upset her and preach anti-Mormon views to her, but I feel that she is sort of trying to storm the castle of my beliefs and emotions. She is still trying to get me to go back to church.

I am starting to be ready to say what I believe. I am starting to be ready to tell her to back off.

A strange thing happened when I last lurked on the NOM board. I began to be sick with the awareness that the NOM position, to me, seems naive and emotionally dishonest. I cannot actually believe, no matter who says it, that the LDS Church is a force for good in that many people's lives. I can't actually believe that it is all that pleasant. I can't believe that it is innocent. I was looking for innocence on that board. Instead there is a clash of opinions, disguised in LDS reasoning. The LDS reasoning is still there, but the beliefs are fading.

And every once in a while, I read a post that tells me that the person posting that message is a very disturbing person to me. Some people on the internet come off as fake and insincere to me. I am actually good at reading people's intents in their posts. And there were a few posters who were pretending to be nicer and more agreeable than they were. They were also pretending to like the LDS Church more than they really did. I found the insincerity creepy. I found it creepier than the anger on the exmormon board.

It shocked me how much I suddenly knew, after running across those posts, who I was. I suddenly feel as if I know myself. I looked at something that is no longer me and I know myself. All of this twisted belief! I was becoming like that! I was becoming insincere and claiming beliefs I want nothing to do with. I think I really am finding myself. I feel as if I am living securely and happily in my own skin. I am recovering who I am. I am uncovering what I always was but that the Mormon Church tried to cover up. It tried to hide myself from me. It tried to define me. But I am no longer easily defined by others.

This is a shock and a pleasure. How the hell was I running around not knowing myself? How the hell did I keep myself so hidden? The fakery and the hyprocrisy and the fear are starting to melt away. I even go out in public and don't feel so nervous. And I stand up straighter. I feel like a ramrod rock some days. I don't hide myself. Could it be that I am not some person who is just a shame? I was withering in shame and fear. Does it take that long to get out of a religiously prompted haze of negative, shameful, fearful beliefs?

Maybe I will actually become a more mature, competent person? Maybe I will become my own version of functionality and normalcy!

Maybe I really am myself!