Depression and the LDS Church

When I was active LDS, I was told that I had a glow about me that others could see. I was told that it would knock people over. Actually, the person who said that this look in my eyes would knock people over was a liar. I haven't seen people fall over. In fact, I was often told that I should smile more. I was asked if there was anything wrong, etc., etc., etc.

Now that I no longer attend LDS Church meetings, my relationship with depression is different. I think that I am somewhat depressed today. But it isn't the same kind of feeling I used to have. Back when I still believed in Mormonism, depression was a horrifying despair that threatened to derail me and smash me flat. I would become hopeless to the point that I would almost be suicidal. Now depression is more of a jaded feeling. Depression is like some sort of unnamed crisis, begging to be worked through slowly. Because this time, the crisis is hiding. I do not know what to call the crisis. I am just sort of reminded of my jadedness as I sit and wonder if I believe in anything at all.

I encountered a depressed person on a message board yesterday. The person described how she felt. Unlike the other five replyers to her message, I figured out right away that she was depressed. She had the kind of depression I used to have. She wanted more than anything to have a good spiritual experience so that she could feel like she could go on. I posted that she was depressed and that she should see a professional. I didn't even mess around. And I didn't apologize. No matter what real substance her depression may have had, a depression that deep leads too easily to suicide. I don't find it soulful to be that depressed.

And yet, in the LDS Church, I was often that depressed. I have come to understand that depressed people make up a larger percentage of LDS people than they did, in say, the 1980's. Depression has become more of an epidemic in the United States, and the LDS religion has only grown its depressions since then.

I think that maybe some depressed people in the LDS Church are seen by other members as more spiritual and sensitive. I think that as long as I didn't get too scary, people saw me as very spiritual when I was depressed. Sometimes I would cry a lot. LDS people interpret crying in meetings to be evidence of a spiritual experience.

Also, the Beatitudes hold another key. Matthew 5: 6 says, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, because they will be filled." (Holman Bible)

Mormons interpret people who are down as humble and hungering and thirsting after righteousness. In fact, some Mormons go to church every week, looking for another spiritual hit. The depressed Mormon can go undiagnosed for several months at a time, hiding under the blanket of spiritual seeking that resembles the behavior of drug addiction. Many Mormons with emotional problems are one spiritual experience away from hope. They are one confirmation of their personal worthiness from hope. Mormonism makes people emotionally needy.

It does seem that some religious folk will take an everyday experience, whether positive or negative, and turn it into a spiritual phenomenon. Some religious persons ignore science and common sense to continue to feed their belief system the evidence it needs to stay afloat.

I do not believe that my current depression has no spiritual element. However, I think that it may be that I am down because sometimes life gets you down. I think that I haven't thought through all I need to make my life meaningful. And I'm sure that it could be a complex thing that I need to explore. I believe that there is no one answer that will heal all my woes. I also believe that I have just felt my lack so fully that I can no longer ignore it.

Also, I am not so depressed that I cannot stand life. I am on the level of depression where I have an aversion to positive thinking. It could be that I used positive thinking for a long time to cover up my real issues. It could be that I am starting to be aware of reality on a more comprehensive level. It feels like other people's opinions of a good life are lacking. It could be that I have not fully appreciated the need for my life to be good on a very specific, individual level. No one else is fully me. I have only begun to appreciate that.

I think that many people go through life hoping that one right decision will make their lives better. It can sometimes be discouraging when you make a series of right choices and you are still unhappy. You could change your belief system to something less toxic and then wonder why you still have periods of horribly low motivation or lack of belief in anything good. You could change your neighborhood and then wonder why the same problems with your neighbors in the old neighborhood are cropping up again in the new neighborhood. It can take a while to get things right. It can take a while to discover which things are really worth changing and which things are mere trivia to your own personal life.

Despite the troubles that await us as mortals who just wait to be fulfilled day by day, often by things that have no guarantee, we often find ourselves learning what we really need, sometimes in startling ways. We can find a key to our lives one day after months of wondering why we are unhappy. And we can also recover from physical fatigues that we have battled for years.

I think that life has hope in it. It doesn't matter that I haven't found what I can hope in. All that matters is that I don't feel that my life will let me stay the same. I will either adapt to this reality, or I can let it get me down. I think that it is getting me down. I also think that there is no other way for me to go, but through this mess, continuing to explain the mess to myself, and continuing to grow from the insights I gain by overcoming it.