Today my mother started talking to me. She said to me, "You know those chapters of Isaiah that are quoted in the Book of Mormon." I said, "Yeah."
She said, "You know how they are different when you compare them in the Bible."
I said, "Yeah." (Tension started to build.)
She said, "How do you think they're different?"
I said, "Joseph Smith probably changed them."
She said, "Really? He wasn't very educated."
I said, "Even though he wasn't very educated, he was linguistically gifted."
She said, "I know that he could never have changed those chapters on his own."
So, basically, my own mother testified to me that she doesn't think old Joe did it on his own. My own mother is against me now! Ack! Ack! Ack!
Then later today she said, "You can ask me any question you like. I know the answer."
That one freaked me out, too.
I felt creeped out by the whole Joseph Smith/Isaiah exchange.
Meanwhile, I'm thinking, "How much schooling do you need to change Isaiah chapters? Not much. All you have to do is have enough education to be literate."
Joseph Smith does not fool me. Anybody, and I mean anybody could change those chapters. I see it as a not-too-brilliant feat. All he had to do was change them in a few places so that Mormons, of both today, and yesteryear, will become convinced, before they've checked it all out objectively, that Joseph Smith was speaking for God, that it was an incredible revelation!!!!
I do not want to have anymore creepy conversations with my mother. She is an idiot to think she can change my mind by testifying or offering advice. And, guess what, I NEVER ask her for advice on anything, unless it purely technical, like, how to use a sewing machine, or how to fix a CD player. She's a good mechanic and seamstress, and a horrible reasoner.
Basically, whenever a Mormon is having a dispute with some non-member or anti-Mormon, they are supposed to bear their testimony to that person. This is the equivalent, in mainstream Christianity, of testifying. It is very, very creepy. And I freak out whenever anyone of any other religion pulls this trick, too. I have never liked hearing people bear their testimonies or testify. The fact is that once a month, in our sacrament meetings, LDS people are encouraged to get up on the stand and speak their testimonies into the microphone.
I now see this ritual as a brainwashing technique. Go up and say it. Listen to others say it. Now you really do think that God lives AND that the LDS Church is the one true church on Earth.
There are other things about the Church that are brainwashy, too. But I don't think I need to go into it, do I?
At this point, I have decided that I can, indeed, write my resignation letter. I am listening to all the wrong voices if I think I don't have material of my own for my letter. I am just kind of scared.
After all, I have authored this blog, which is already long. It will be more nerve-wracking, but I just can't stand to quit working on it. It might start to really take shape a few weeks from now. I am giving myself as much time as it takes to write a letter that has real bite. Because I plan to bow out of the LDS Church in style.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
Still Undoing Brainwashing
Today, I started writing my resignation letter so that I could resign from the LDS Church. It started out okay. I copied a form letter on a website, and then I began to give my reasons for leaving the church. I stopped at one point and got up from my desk. I realized that I actually still, somewhere believed in my heart, that some of it was true. I began to read my Bible and I realized that the doctrine that I was writing was not true had basis in another doctrine in my Bible. I realized that although I am believing in certain things irrationally, they started in the Bible as another doctrine.
The doctrine I am speaking about is the doctrine in the Doctrine and Covenants about the three degrees of glory in the next life. I stated, in my writing, that I did not believe that the highest degree of glory, the Celestial Kingdom, was a real place. I began to feel uneasy about that statement. The fact is that even if my mind lets go of the belief in a Celestial Kingdom, there is a Bible doctrine in 1 Corinthians about the glory of resurrected beings in the next life. Two glories are named--celestial and terrestrial. However, according to the Bible, they are not places, they are just states of glory.
According to the Mormon Church, there are three degrees of glory possible to inherit in the next life--the Celestial Kingdom, the Terrestrial Kingdom, and the Telestial Kingdom. Joseph Smith made up a name for the lowest--"telestial." And he called them kingdoms. And he has a whole spiel in Doctrine and Covenants 76 about which sins and life choices put people in which kingdom. That is the main problem. I believe that wherever and however you end up in the next life cannot be possibly determined by the words of a mere man. I do believe that there is a large amount of Mormon snobbery going on. Mormons believe that you must accept their religion either in this life or the next life or you won't be able to inherit the most glorious kingdom with the most privileges--the Celestial Kingdom.
My problems stem from believing that Joseph Smith must have thought he was something special to be able to tell everyone what they needed to do to inherit the celestial kingdom. He really thought that his narrow religion was what determined who got all the good stuff in heaven. And it annoys me to think that good people of other faiths would not be able to be considered worthy of the highest that God has to offer people in the next life. I think that I am more wrapped up in the idea of fairness. I am currently less wrapped up in the literal existence of any "kingdom of glory."
I think that understanding my priorities and positions on certain LDS doctrines is still a process that I am in. I am not completely over the Mormon Church yet. And I have obviously not undone all of my brainwashing yet. I was raised to be in that church for life. What else would happen if I tried to deny it all at once?
I get tired of reading and writing and looking, but I still need to do a lot more writing. I think that I am going to look at writing that letter about three months from now. Maybe I could look at resigning and writing the letter again in May? That might be enough time to see if I am progressing and if I am ready to let go of it all. No one changes their beliefs all at once. It is often a gradual process, sometimes with subtleties that would surprise anyone.
The doctrine I am speaking about is the doctrine in the Doctrine and Covenants about the three degrees of glory in the next life. I stated, in my writing, that I did not believe that the highest degree of glory, the Celestial Kingdom, was a real place. I began to feel uneasy about that statement. The fact is that even if my mind lets go of the belief in a Celestial Kingdom, there is a Bible doctrine in 1 Corinthians about the glory of resurrected beings in the next life. Two glories are named--celestial and terrestrial. However, according to the Bible, they are not places, they are just states of glory.
According to the Mormon Church, there are three degrees of glory possible to inherit in the next life--the Celestial Kingdom, the Terrestrial Kingdom, and the Telestial Kingdom. Joseph Smith made up a name for the lowest--"telestial." And he called them kingdoms. And he has a whole spiel in Doctrine and Covenants 76 about which sins and life choices put people in which kingdom. That is the main problem. I believe that wherever and however you end up in the next life cannot be possibly determined by the words of a mere man. I do believe that there is a large amount of Mormon snobbery going on. Mormons believe that you must accept their religion either in this life or the next life or you won't be able to inherit the most glorious kingdom with the most privileges--the Celestial Kingdom.
My problems stem from believing that Joseph Smith must have thought he was something special to be able to tell everyone what they needed to do to inherit the celestial kingdom. He really thought that his narrow religion was what determined who got all the good stuff in heaven. And it annoys me to think that good people of other faiths would not be able to be considered worthy of the highest that God has to offer people in the next life. I think that I am more wrapped up in the idea of fairness. I am currently less wrapped up in the literal existence of any "kingdom of glory."
I think that understanding my priorities and positions on certain LDS doctrines is still a process that I am in. I am not completely over the Mormon Church yet. And I have obviously not undone all of my brainwashing yet. I was raised to be in that church for life. What else would happen if I tried to deny it all at once?
I get tired of reading and writing and looking, but I still need to do a lot more writing. I think that I am going to look at writing that letter about three months from now. Maybe I could look at resigning and writing the letter again in May? That might be enough time to see if I am progressing and if I am ready to let go of it all. No one changes their beliefs all at once. It is often a gradual process, sometimes with subtleties that would surprise anyone.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Get Away
Today, I finally understood how hurt I was at being controlled on a "moral" level for so many years. I finally had myself a very good cry. I finally realized how the strict rules were giving me a desire to actually rebel.
Apparently, the Mormon rules did control me, but there was a healthy part of me that would have no part of it. I kept wanting to break a rule. I wanted to laugh out loud, louder than Mormons wanted me to laugh. And I wondered if it was so bad to have sex with someone I wasn't married to. I wondered why I didn't just get up and scream to the Church and the world that I didn't give a rat's behind anymore.
The fact is that I am no whore. But the idea that I absolutely could not have sex with anyone I was not married to, including anyone I was engaged to, was so repressive that I would have fantasies of having sex with persons I was not married to and would NEVER marry due to the fact that they were so unsuitable.
I never actually did have sex with one of those unsuitable people. But I now realize that that is what spiritual abuse can do to a person. The person will either fantasize about rebelling, or they WILL rebel. And some people can become victims of very bad people just because they threw way too many rules to the wind, rules that might protect them from real crimes.
I think that what happened to me is that I got more cautious as I dropped those ridiculous standards. The fact is, that in my mind, I DO need to make sure that any persons I have sex with in the future are not one of those "unsuitable" people and that the sex is in the context of a committed relationship. I am still deciding on my rules in this area, but at least I have rules I agree with myself on.
Rules that turn you into a person with more than one personality are physically, emotionally, and spiritually damaging, and yes, very dangerous.
And so, yes, the rules of the Mormon Church are very, very damaging on all levels. If a rule is too hard to keep, you have no idea who will do something completely stupid just to be able to say that they broke your lame, idiot rule.
Normal human beings don't like living in glass houses with pancake make-up on so that they can look perfect to everyone else all of the time.
Normal human beings get sick of going to church with other people who also feel like they will throw up if anybody thinks anything bad about them.
Some women, particularly in the Mormon Church, have been raised to believe that their real goal in life is to attract and marry a nice young returned missionary.
They wear make-up and make sure they have dates as many weekends as possible. They have boyfriends as early as they can possibly have boyfriends, sometime after the time they turn sixteen. Sixteen is the age that Mormon youth can start dating.
One day I was looking at the cover of a video about a young male missionary called "Return with Honor." On the back of the DVD cover was a young brunette in red lipstick and lots of eye makeup. She was posed in a shot with the young missionary in the movie. She had that "Mormon look." At that point, I realized that that "Mormon look" was the look of a young woman who was wearing too much make-up, acting much older than she was, and thinking that her only hope was to snag and influence this young man.
It didn't just look like it was from the 1950's, which it did. But it also looked like she was a very sexualized, aged person. She was the Mormon Barbie that is often termed the "Molly Mormon." It sounds so innocent to people in the LDS Church. They see it all the time, in the media and in real life, as well. But it struck me as weird and disturbing when I saw this image of this young woman. A young woman like that finds the next available man and acts like his girlfriend as quickly as she can.
Nothing about this behavior has anything to do with survival in the real world. And it was how my leaders wanted me to end up. They thought that if I and all the other women took seriously our duty to marry a "righteous" man in the temple that we had eternal perspective and were truly committing our life to the Lord.
But I have only come to realize that this is just not right at all. It disturbed me for many years, but now I know that it is not just disturbing and confusing to me personally; but it is also just plain wrong.
I didn't end up a Molly Mormon. But what I ended up as was far more disturbing, particularly since being a Molly Mormon was never my dream. Something worse happened to me. I became repressed, emotionally unstable, constantly afraid of what others thought of me, and finally, completely insane.
It turned out that insanity was really where it was at for me. There was nothing else. I was safe insane. Not many people could get close to me. And it drove away many people in the end.
Would I wish this for my life if I had it all to do over again? No, I would not. But looking back, my insanity was prettier than becoming a hardened fake. At least the insanity was real. Nothing else was.
When it comes down to it, I decided early that my salvation was important. I began to realize that acting out lies just because I was a church member was not a good course. Lying made me feel terrible. And I suppose that that is one thing that slowly began to pull me out of the Church. Removing me from the Mormon Church was worse than removing gum stuck for years to the bottom of your chair, but I slowly loosened myself. And other people had hands in this process, I am sure, but many would be surprised that complete inactivity in the LDS Church was what I was really looking for through all of my tears and confusion and feeling not good enough. Inside, and outside, all I needed was to get away.
Apparently, the Mormon rules did control me, but there was a healthy part of me that would have no part of it. I kept wanting to break a rule. I wanted to laugh out loud, louder than Mormons wanted me to laugh. And I wondered if it was so bad to have sex with someone I wasn't married to. I wondered why I didn't just get up and scream to the Church and the world that I didn't give a rat's behind anymore.
The fact is that I am no whore. But the idea that I absolutely could not have sex with anyone I was not married to, including anyone I was engaged to, was so repressive that I would have fantasies of having sex with persons I was not married to and would NEVER marry due to the fact that they were so unsuitable.
I never actually did have sex with one of those unsuitable people. But I now realize that that is what spiritual abuse can do to a person. The person will either fantasize about rebelling, or they WILL rebel. And some people can become victims of very bad people just because they threw way too many rules to the wind, rules that might protect them from real crimes.
I think that what happened to me is that I got more cautious as I dropped those ridiculous standards. The fact is, that in my mind, I DO need to make sure that any persons I have sex with in the future are not one of those "unsuitable" people and that the sex is in the context of a committed relationship. I am still deciding on my rules in this area, but at least I have rules I agree with myself on.
Rules that turn you into a person with more than one personality are physically, emotionally, and spiritually damaging, and yes, very dangerous.
And so, yes, the rules of the Mormon Church are very, very damaging on all levels. If a rule is too hard to keep, you have no idea who will do something completely stupid just to be able to say that they broke your lame, idiot rule.
Normal human beings don't like living in glass houses with pancake make-up on so that they can look perfect to everyone else all of the time.
Normal human beings get sick of going to church with other people who also feel like they will throw up if anybody thinks anything bad about them.
Some women, particularly in the Mormon Church, have been raised to believe that their real goal in life is to attract and marry a nice young returned missionary.
They wear make-up and make sure they have dates as many weekends as possible. They have boyfriends as early as they can possibly have boyfriends, sometime after the time they turn sixteen. Sixteen is the age that Mormon youth can start dating.
One day I was looking at the cover of a video about a young male missionary called "Return with Honor." On the back of the DVD cover was a young brunette in red lipstick and lots of eye makeup. She was posed in a shot with the young missionary in the movie. She had that "Mormon look." At that point, I realized that that "Mormon look" was the look of a young woman who was wearing too much make-up, acting much older than she was, and thinking that her only hope was to snag and influence this young man.
It didn't just look like it was from the 1950's, which it did. But it also looked like she was a very sexualized, aged person. She was the Mormon Barbie that is often termed the "Molly Mormon." It sounds so innocent to people in the LDS Church. They see it all the time, in the media and in real life, as well. But it struck me as weird and disturbing when I saw this image of this young woman. A young woman like that finds the next available man and acts like his girlfriend as quickly as she can.
Nothing about this behavior has anything to do with survival in the real world. And it was how my leaders wanted me to end up. They thought that if I and all the other women took seriously our duty to marry a "righteous" man in the temple that we had eternal perspective and were truly committing our life to the Lord.
But I have only come to realize that this is just not right at all. It disturbed me for many years, but now I know that it is not just disturbing and confusing to me personally; but it is also just plain wrong.
I didn't end up a Molly Mormon. But what I ended up as was far more disturbing, particularly since being a Molly Mormon was never my dream. Something worse happened to me. I became repressed, emotionally unstable, constantly afraid of what others thought of me, and finally, completely insane.
It turned out that insanity was really where it was at for me. There was nothing else. I was safe insane. Not many people could get close to me. And it drove away many people in the end.
Would I wish this for my life if I had it all to do over again? No, I would not. But looking back, my insanity was prettier than becoming a hardened fake. At least the insanity was real. Nothing else was.
When it comes down to it, I decided early that my salvation was important. I began to realize that acting out lies just because I was a church member was not a good course. Lying made me feel terrible. And I suppose that that is one thing that slowly began to pull me out of the Church. Removing me from the Mormon Church was worse than removing gum stuck for years to the bottom of your chair, but I slowly loosened myself. And other people had hands in this process, I am sure, but many would be surprised that complete inactivity in the LDS Church was what I was really looking for through all of my tears and confusion and feeling not good enough. Inside, and outside, all I needed was to get away.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
The Twisting of Isaiah 29
I am going to be more serious now.
The next chapter in Isaiah, 29, has interesting stuff in it as well. This is not as scary as how I interpreted a passage from chapter 28.
Verses 9-12 of Isaiah 29 is about how there is a deep sleep poured out upon the people and their prophets and seers see and prophesy nothing. There is a great metaphor in there about how trying to see a vision is, for the people of Israel is like reading a sealed book.
"And the vision of all is become unto you as the words of a book that is sealed, which men deliver to one that is learned, saying, Read this, I pray thee: and he saith, I cannot for it is sealed:
"And the book is delivered to him that is not learned, saying, Read this, I pray thee: and he saith, I am not learned."
You would never guess what Joseph Smith did to it! He took verses 11 and 12 and twisted them so they would be a prophecy of the coming forth of the Book of Mormon. According to Joseph Smith and his Book of Mormon witnesses, there was a sealed portion of the golden plates, the plates from which the translation of the Book of Mormon was taken. No one could read it. But somehow, Joseph Smith decided to make up a story about a scholar telling him, when he sent over someone with some characters from the plates, that he couldn't read a sealed book, meaning the gold plates. Basically, this scholar refused to read or interpret these characters, which were copied onto a piece of paper.
Look in the Book of Mormon in 2 Nephi 27: 15-21:
"But behold, it shall come to pass that the Lord God shall say unto him to whom he shall deliver the book: Take these words which are not sealed and deliver them to another, that he may show them unto the learned, saying: Read this, I pray thee. And the learned shall say: Bring hither the book, and I will read them.
"And now, because of the glory of the world and to get gain will they say this, and not for the glory of God.
"And the man shall say: I cannot bring the book, for it is sealed.
"Then shall the learned say: I cannot read it.
"Wherefore it shall come to pass, that the Lord God will deliver again the book and the words thereof to him that is not learned; and the man that is not learned shall say: I am not learned.
"Then shall the Lord God say unto him: The learned shall not read them, for they have rejected them, and I am able to do mine own work; wherefore thou shalt read the words which I shall give unto thee.
"Touch not the things which are sealed, for I will bring them forth in mine own due time; for I will show unto the children of men that I am able to do mine own work."
Here we have the beginning of the twisting of a negative prophecy about the Israelites in Bible times to a positive prophecy about the Book of Mormon and its assessment by faithless and worldy scholars in the nineteenth century. Is this far-fetched? Why yes of course.
Read the canonized Joseph Smith--History in verses 63-65. It sounds like this story was either made up or twisted around to sound, again, like Bible prophecy from Isaiah.
At this point, I am sort of annoyed at Joseph Smith. He also uses Isaiah 29: 13-14 as well. According to the LDS Church, verse 14 prophesies the coming of the LDS Church, that it is the "marvellous work and a wonder" in verse 14. Again, go to 2 Nephi 27 to get this one re-quoted in verse 26. And verse 13 is quoted as well in verse 25 to describe the preachers of his day as being far from the Lord despite all their speaking of him. It is a way of saying that Joseph Smith was supposedly told, by Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in the first vision, that none of those churches in Joseph Smith's home town, or in the world, were true. (See Joseph Smith--History verse 19.)
I must say that Joseph Smith worked hard to convince Latter-day Saints through the ages that their church and their Book of Mormon were both the truest on earth. And it worked!
It doesn't work on me anymore. I am doing closer, more honest readings of the Bible. And, sorry, Joe, but it doesn't work on me anymore. No more Joe Smith magic is blinding my eyes.
Sayonara!
The next chapter in Isaiah, 29, has interesting stuff in it as well. This is not as scary as how I interpreted a passage from chapter 28.
Verses 9-12 of Isaiah 29 is about how there is a deep sleep poured out upon the people and their prophets and seers see and prophesy nothing. There is a great metaphor in there about how trying to see a vision is, for the people of Israel is like reading a sealed book.
"And the vision of all is become unto you as the words of a book that is sealed, which men deliver to one that is learned, saying, Read this, I pray thee: and he saith, I cannot for it is sealed:
"And the book is delivered to him that is not learned, saying, Read this, I pray thee: and he saith, I am not learned."
You would never guess what Joseph Smith did to it! He took verses 11 and 12 and twisted them so they would be a prophecy of the coming forth of the Book of Mormon. According to Joseph Smith and his Book of Mormon witnesses, there was a sealed portion of the golden plates, the plates from which the translation of the Book of Mormon was taken. No one could read it. But somehow, Joseph Smith decided to make up a story about a scholar telling him, when he sent over someone with some characters from the plates, that he couldn't read a sealed book, meaning the gold plates. Basically, this scholar refused to read or interpret these characters, which were copied onto a piece of paper.
Look in the Book of Mormon in 2 Nephi 27: 15-21:
"But behold, it shall come to pass that the Lord God shall say unto him to whom he shall deliver the book: Take these words which are not sealed and deliver them to another, that he may show them unto the learned, saying: Read this, I pray thee. And the learned shall say: Bring hither the book, and I will read them.
"And now, because of the glory of the world and to get gain will they say this, and not for the glory of God.
"And the man shall say: I cannot bring the book, for it is sealed.
"Then shall the learned say: I cannot read it.
"Wherefore it shall come to pass, that the Lord God will deliver again the book and the words thereof to him that is not learned; and the man that is not learned shall say: I am not learned.
"Then shall the Lord God say unto him: The learned shall not read them, for they have rejected them, and I am able to do mine own work; wherefore thou shalt read the words which I shall give unto thee.
"Touch not the things which are sealed, for I will bring them forth in mine own due time; for I will show unto the children of men that I am able to do mine own work."
Here we have the beginning of the twisting of a negative prophecy about the Israelites in Bible times to a positive prophecy about the Book of Mormon and its assessment by faithless and worldy scholars in the nineteenth century. Is this far-fetched? Why yes of course.
Read the canonized Joseph Smith--History in verses 63-65. It sounds like this story was either made up or twisted around to sound, again, like Bible prophecy from Isaiah.
At this point, I am sort of annoyed at Joseph Smith. He also uses Isaiah 29: 13-14 as well. According to the LDS Church, verse 14 prophesies the coming of the LDS Church, that it is the "marvellous work and a wonder" in verse 14. Again, go to 2 Nephi 27 to get this one re-quoted in verse 26. And verse 13 is quoted as well in verse 25 to describe the preachers of his day as being far from the Lord despite all their speaking of him. It is a way of saying that Joseph Smith was supposedly told, by Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in the first vision, that none of those churches in Joseph Smith's home town, or in the world, were true. (See Joseph Smith--History verse 19.)
I must say that Joseph Smith worked hard to convince Latter-day Saints through the ages that their church and their Book of Mormon were both the truest on earth. And it worked!
It doesn't work on me anymore. I am doing closer, more honest readings of the Bible. And, sorry, Joe, but it doesn't work on me anymore. No more Joe Smith magic is blinding my eyes.
Sayonara!
SIN!!!!!!!!!!!
Everything is a sin!
These are all sins:
1. Watching TV.
2. Wearing low necklines.
3. Getting mad at your parents.
4. Grieving the death of your gold fish.
5. Spending too much time painting your fingernails and putting on make-up.
6. Loving your pet birds more than the Bible.
7. Eating chocolate.
8. Eating food with very enjoyable flavors.
9. Taking a sip of wine in an Italian restaurant on a very romantic date.
10. Kissing.
11. Enjoying sex.
12. Reading more of the great fiction writers than you do your Book of Mormon.
13. Believing in any theory of evolution.
14. Taking a break from being good.
15. Having so much fun that you laugh loudly.
16. Enjoying music with a beat.
17. Letting people drink beer in your presence without complaining that they are making you sick and violating God's laws.
18. Letting people have their own beliefs.
19. Saying nice things about atheists.
20. Putting up wall paper on Sunday.
21. Going shopping on Sunday.
22. Have sexual thoughts.
23. Masturbating.
24. Letting yourself be depressed.
25. Talking to birds. Get with reality! Start talking to God!
26. Managing to not worry about your salvation.
27. Thinking you are capable of doing anything right.
28. Looking at a painting of a naked woman by Henri Matisse.
29. Enjoying listening to the radio more than you enjoy going to church.
30. Telling religious people to loosen up.
31. Being easy on yourself after making a mistake.
32. Dropping a stitch when knitting.
33. Making a mistake while playing the organ in church.
34. Being lazy.
35. Moving too slowly while working on researching your family history.
36. Meditating.
37. Deciding that the Bible or Book of Mormon does not represent your viewpoint.
38. Teaching principles of Buddhism in church.
39. Skipping church to learn about Buddhism.
40. Telling the ladies who go to church with you that having self-esteem is good.
41. Liking and caring about yourself.
42. Having boundaries so that others will not take advantage of you when you are feeling vulnerable or over-burdened.
43. Being selfish.
44. Liking people who believe things you don't believe.
45. Marrying an agnostic who worships trees.
46. Making it a goal to earn money. (Oh no! Greed!)
47. Providing condoms in many places so that teenagers won't get pregnant.
48. Thinking about sinning.
49. Looking like you are sinning.
50. Putting fake cigarettes in your mouth.
There are so many more sins! But I can't think of anymore right now!
These are all sins:
1. Watching TV.
2. Wearing low necklines.
3. Getting mad at your parents.
4. Grieving the death of your gold fish.
5. Spending too much time painting your fingernails and putting on make-up.
6. Loving your pet birds more than the Bible.
7. Eating chocolate.
8. Eating food with very enjoyable flavors.
9. Taking a sip of wine in an Italian restaurant on a very romantic date.
10. Kissing.
11. Enjoying sex.
12. Reading more of the great fiction writers than you do your Book of Mormon.
13. Believing in any theory of evolution.
14. Taking a break from being good.
15. Having so much fun that you laugh loudly.
16. Enjoying music with a beat.
17. Letting people drink beer in your presence without complaining that they are making you sick and violating God's laws.
18. Letting people have their own beliefs.
19. Saying nice things about atheists.
20. Putting up wall paper on Sunday.
21. Going shopping on Sunday.
22. Have sexual thoughts.
23. Masturbating.
24. Letting yourself be depressed.
25. Talking to birds. Get with reality! Start talking to God!
26. Managing to not worry about your salvation.
27. Thinking you are capable of doing anything right.
28. Looking at a painting of a naked woman by Henri Matisse.
29. Enjoying listening to the radio more than you enjoy going to church.
30. Telling religious people to loosen up.
31. Being easy on yourself after making a mistake.
32. Dropping a stitch when knitting.
33. Making a mistake while playing the organ in church.
34. Being lazy.
35. Moving too slowly while working on researching your family history.
36. Meditating.
37. Deciding that the Bible or Book of Mormon does not represent your viewpoint.
38. Teaching principles of Buddhism in church.
39. Skipping church to learn about Buddhism.
40. Telling the ladies who go to church with you that having self-esteem is good.
41. Liking and caring about yourself.
42. Having boundaries so that others will not take advantage of you when you are feeling vulnerable or over-burdened.
43. Being selfish.
44. Liking people who believe things you don't believe.
45. Marrying an agnostic who worships trees.
46. Making it a goal to earn money. (Oh no! Greed!)
47. Providing condoms in many places so that teenagers won't get pregnant.
48. Thinking about sinning.
49. Looking like you are sinning.
50. Putting fake cigarettes in your mouth.
There are so many more sins! But I can't think of anymore right now!
Monday, February 18, 2008
The Only Road Is Out
This solitude thing is starting to be a bad idea. Even though I don't always have the energy to leave the house, I think I should whenever I get bored. Yesterday I had cabin fever really, really bad. I was used up as far as all the take time for yourself to think stuff. Also, I had one of those bad episodes of being afraid of the Mormon Church, again.
I am going somewhere today, and it should really help my morale. Doing chores in the house yesterday helped a lot. When I got moving I started to shake off the depression.
I really, actually, don't need to fear that I am going back to the LDS Church. I hate it for what a it is: a pack of lies. And I agree with what I said yesterday: I will leave for my own reasons, and the bad reasons that I agree with from everyone else's negative experiences with this church.
I don't need to fear. I am getting farther and farther away. The pond still stinks, but I am sick of wondering if I am ever going to go step in it again.
I do need to make some reading goals. And yes, I will spend many days alone, but it is no longer forced. I am feeling better today and I realize that only something evil could convince me that I will ever go back. I am feeling the fear leaving. The Church is looking smaller. I am beginning to understand that it really is all up to me. Some strange fate will not get me back onto the church benches. I will prevail in what I am doing.
Yes, it will take a few years to explore the ideas I need to explore and make sure I am unbrainwashed enough to be out of danger of wasting my life or having some dreary glazed-eyed existence. But my eyes are much less glazed now. And the only direction is out.
I read a little of "Under the Banner of Heaven" last night. It is kind of entertaining because it seems so wildly improbable. And yet, I know it is probable where I come from.
Where I come from was shaping who I was. It was slowly corrupting me. If I had taken it all seriously, I would be a very bad person. The fact is, that I felt my soul corrupting. I felt cold and dark. My femininity was sucked into a black hole of self-disgust, doubt, and guilt. I was not a happy person.
Even if I have another unhappy day like yesterday, I will wake up to more happy days like today. I am reminded that I was tortured and guilty all of the time a year ago. But I feel so much less torture today. If I thought I needed to go back to church for one more second, I would be so miserable and frightened today. But I don't.
There are more good days than bad days. I will make it out alright. I'm not just leaving something. I am entering something new. I am entering something that is burdenless. I am entering something so free I could never have imagined it. I do have the freedom to choose. I can do things I want to do. I can spend my money on things I really want, not on things I don't want. I don't have to pay any church any money I earn ever again.
I was paying, the last time I paid tithing, to be tortured and corrupted. I was beginning to understand the path to evil. Before I decided to never go back, I had a realization. There is a path you can go down that consists entirely of your fake attempts to be good. You walk around looking good and acting spiritual and magnanimous and inspired. This path leads you down a road to a prideful kind of evil. You try to convert everyone else to this path. You are the leader. You are the great one. That is the path they were trying to get me to go down. You don't need a real identity. All you need is the identity of your leader. God told you to try to heal the world and prophesy. And, by golly, you are going to do it. You are chosen.
I do not have to be chosen. I have to be me. If God chose me for anything, I may figure it out by the time I am old and gray and on my death bed. Or I won't know at all. But sometime in the afterlife, a realization will hit me or someone will tell me. As far as I am concerned, I have chosen myself to be myself.
I am going somewhere today, and it should really help my morale. Doing chores in the house yesterday helped a lot. When I got moving I started to shake off the depression.
I really, actually, don't need to fear that I am going back to the LDS Church. I hate it for what a it is: a pack of lies. And I agree with what I said yesterday: I will leave for my own reasons, and the bad reasons that I agree with from everyone else's negative experiences with this church.
I don't need to fear. I am getting farther and farther away. The pond still stinks, but I am sick of wondering if I am ever going to go step in it again.
I do need to make some reading goals. And yes, I will spend many days alone, but it is no longer forced. I am feeling better today and I realize that only something evil could convince me that I will ever go back. I am feeling the fear leaving. The Church is looking smaller. I am beginning to understand that it really is all up to me. Some strange fate will not get me back onto the church benches. I will prevail in what I am doing.
Yes, it will take a few years to explore the ideas I need to explore and make sure I am unbrainwashed enough to be out of danger of wasting my life or having some dreary glazed-eyed existence. But my eyes are much less glazed now. And the only direction is out.
I read a little of "Under the Banner of Heaven" last night. It is kind of entertaining because it seems so wildly improbable. And yet, I know it is probable where I come from.
Where I come from was shaping who I was. It was slowly corrupting me. If I had taken it all seriously, I would be a very bad person. The fact is, that I felt my soul corrupting. I felt cold and dark. My femininity was sucked into a black hole of self-disgust, doubt, and guilt. I was not a happy person.
Even if I have another unhappy day like yesterday, I will wake up to more happy days like today. I am reminded that I was tortured and guilty all of the time a year ago. But I feel so much less torture today. If I thought I needed to go back to church for one more second, I would be so miserable and frightened today. But I don't.
There are more good days than bad days. I will make it out alright. I'm not just leaving something. I am entering something new. I am entering something that is burdenless. I am entering something so free I could never have imagined it. I do have the freedom to choose. I can do things I want to do. I can spend my money on things I really want, not on things I don't want. I don't have to pay any church any money I earn ever again.
I was paying, the last time I paid tithing, to be tortured and corrupted. I was beginning to understand the path to evil. Before I decided to never go back, I had a realization. There is a path you can go down that consists entirely of your fake attempts to be good. You walk around looking good and acting spiritual and magnanimous and inspired. This path leads you down a road to a prideful kind of evil. You try to convert everyone else to this path. You are the leader. You are the great one. That is the path they were trying to get me to go down. You don't need a real identity. All you need is the identity of your leader. God told you to try to heal the world and prophesy. And, by golly, you are going to do it. You are chosen.
I do not have to be chosen. I have to be me. If God chose me for anything, I may figure it out by the time I am old and gray and on my death bed. Or I won't know at all. But sometime in the afterlife, a realization will hit me or someone will tell me. As far as I am concerned, I have chosen myself to be myself.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
How I Feel About This Journey
I have been reading the first blogs I posted here. Boy has a lot changed!
I went through a period of anger. I also claimed that there were reasons I am leaving the Mormon Church, and that the worst reasons I could find for anyone else leaving were not my reasons. I have decided, now, that I am going to leave for good for those "awful" reasons, too. I am leaving for many, many reasons. I am standing up for myself and anyone else who could have been hurt by this church as well. It is starting to feel like some sort of political cause, except that it is religion, not politics.
I burned off a heck of a lot of anger! I even got so mad one night that I wondered if I could ever sue the LDS Church, just to get revenge. I have dropped that idea, but I am starting to see things in a different light.
Today I feel somewhat down, as if all of this religion-dumping is starting to make me feel down in the dumps. I also suspect that one of the reasons I want to have solitude is so that I can feel better emotionally and physically before I start trying to go out of the house for much other than grocery shopping or checking out a library book.
I think that one reason I am not going out is that life has worn me out. This solitude thing is less principled that I thought it was. It is more practical. Basically, I feel really, really lousy. And I feel a kind of burden that I want to do so much more studying to prove things to myself so that I know where I stand on all of the Mormon stuff. There are times when it really bores me. There are times when I wish it would go away.
But it's not going to go away. Like I said in the last post, I am now too big for the pond, and the algae is making it stink. I found a good metaphor for my experience, and I am starting to understand why I feel the way I do. I am too big for the pond, but I am still near it. I can still smell it. It is hard to let go of it when it is still that near.
I have undone so much brainwashing so far, but I still find things in the Bible that scare me. And when I started analyzing a part of Alma in the Book of Mormon today, first I started writing critiques on the strange logic of the book. I think the logic is twisted. And I think that I understand the illogic of the doctrine in some of the stories in the Book of Mormon. But then I ended up on verses that made sense. It scared me because it seemed so real. Part of it seems so real.
I began to get scared that I would start thinking that the LDS doctrine and church are wonderful things. It just stumped me. I think that I found a part of the Book of Mormon that makes sense. I have no idea if it will make sense a year from now. That is the problem. Will I still be sucked in? How much time is this going to take? This is more than having a period of solitude to rest and reassert my boundaries and do study. This is a serious commitment to see where my truth is in a few years.
I felt today that I might not have the strength. I fear not having the strength. I fear getting sucked in. Does this mean that I don't have the strength? Does this mean that I will get sucked back in to the Mormon Church? I have gone to all this trouble, ordered books, completed a reading of some of these books, looked up things online. Am I just pushing myself too far? Am I just discouraged?
I think I am discouraged. I want to read the whole Bible, and the Bible is one big book. Also, I have two versions of the Bible sitting on my desk. Which version tells me the most truth? Which book of the Bible is best represented by which version? I am switching back and forth. The Bible is big.
I could push myself too far. I may want to have a realistic idea of how far I can go, study wise, in the next month, before I flip out. I think I just need to keep going. This whole thing is so big! I really had no idea that I would be undoing a lifetime of brainwashing when I first decided to never go back in November. I was born into it. It's like learning to play the violin after being a piano virtuoso for thirty years. It is strange and new. It could be that I'm still playing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" in my religious and spiritual mind. It will take a while to progress to a much more complicated piece.
Wow! A year ago I would never have thought that I was attempting this type of intellectual and spiritual feat.
I went through a period of anger. I also claimed that there were reasons I am leaving the Mormon Church, and that the worst reasons I could find for anyone else leaving were not my reasons. I have decided, now, that I am going to leave for good for those "awful" reasons, too. I am leaving for many, many reasons. I am standing up for myself and anyone else who could have been hurt by this church as well. It is starting to feel like some sort of political cause, except that it is religion, not politics.
I burned off a heck of a lot of anger! I even got so mad one night that I wondered if I could ever sue the LDS Church, just to get revenge. I have dropped that idea, but I am starting to see things in a different light.
Today I feel somewhat down, as if all of this religion-dumping is starting to make me feel down in the dumps. I also suspect that one of the reasons I want to have solitude is so that I can feel better emotionally and physically before I start trying to go out of the house for much other than grocery shopping or checking out a library book.
I think that one reason I am not going out is that life has worn me out. This solitude thing is less principled that I thought it was. It is more practical. Basically, I feel really, really lousy. And I feel a kind of burden that I want to do so much more studying to prove things to myself so that I know where I stand on all of the Mormon stuff. There are times when it really bores me. There are times when I wish it would go away.
But it's not going to go away. Like I said in the last post, I am now too big for the pond, and the algae is making it stink. I found a good metaphor for my experience, and I am starting to understand why I feel the way I do. I am too big for the pond, but I am still near it. I can still smell it. It is hard to let go of it when it is still that near.
I have undone so much brainwashing so far, but I still find things in the Bible that scare me. And when I started analyzing a part of Alma in the Book of Mormon today, first I started writing critiques on the strange logic of the book. I think the logic is twisted. And I think that I understand the illogic of the doctrine in some of the stories in the Book of Mormon. But then I ended up on verses that made sense. It scared me because it seemed so real. Part of it seems so real.
I began to get scared that I would start thinking that the LDS doctrine and church are wonderful things. It just stumped me. I think that I found a part of the Book of Mormon that makes sense. I have no idea if it will make sense a year from now. That is the problem. Will I still be sucked in? How much time is this going to take? This is more than having a period of solitude to rest and reassert my boundaries and do study. This is a serious commitment to see where my truth is in a few years.
I felt today that I might not have the strength. I fear not having the strength. I fear getting sucked in. Does this mean that I don't have the strength? Does this mean that I will get sucked back in to the Mormon Church? I have gone to all this trouble, ordered books, completed a reading of some of these books, looked up things online. Am I just pushing myself too far? Am I just discouraged?
I think I am discouraged. I want to read the whole Bible, and the Bible is one big book. Also, I have two versions of the Bible sitting on my desk. Which version tells me the most truth? Which book of the Bible is best represented by which version? I am switching back and forth. The Bible is big.
I could push myself too far. I may want to have a realistic idea of how far I can go, study wise, in the next month, before I flip out. I think I just need to keep going. This whole thing is so big! I really had no idea that I would be undoing a lifetime of brainwashing when I first decided to never go back in November. I was born into it. It's like learning to play the violin after being a piano virtuoso for thirty years. It is strange and new. It could be that I'm still playing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" in my religious and spiritual mind. It will take a while to progress to a much more complicated piece.
Wow! A year ago I would never have thought that I was attempting this type of intellectual and spiritual feat.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
The Pond
I came to a realization today. It is this: the LDS Church looks big to those who join it and believe in it. It looks like the salvation of your soul, the words of Jesus, Jehovah Himself. It seems to be the voice of heaven, the representation of the eternities, the answer to your question about your purpose.
When you question this, you are led to believe that your own personal doubts are small compared to the vast reach into the eternities that the Church has. The incredible prominence around the globe is another thing that makes it so big.
In order to keep believing this, you must believe that all beliefs you have are small compared to all the beliefs the Church tells you to have. You must believe that you are insignificant in order to submit yourself to the Church's will.
I believed that I was a small drop in a large pond. I was overwhelmed by whatever was big enough to make a ripple in that pond. I saw incredible visions that the owners of the pond had given to all water molecules there. They told us they were from beautiful, crystal skies.
After a while, I stopped being a water droplet. I started being a different kind of molecule. I didn't like the other water molecules. I began to find other molecules to expand my cause and feel buoyed up rather than drowned.
It started to stink in the pond. I started to smell the algae. I didn't like it in that pond. I didn't have fish lungs. I had the lungs of a man who stands on land and breathes in the air that reaches to the sky, the real sky, not some mysterious spiritual sky.
The pond and the surrounding land and the keepers of the pond and the land started to bore me. I began to take walks farther and farther away from the pond into land owned by other kinds of men. I began to realize that the stink of the pond was getting farther and farther away, but I was still afraid of the visions of holiness that they gave us. What if they were true? Why was I wishing I could still believe in them?
I did not realize that I had sprouted a real self, a real body that walked on the ground above the pond, away from the pond. I had been fooled into thinking I was a tiny molecule. I missed the other "molecules." But really, I was more of an amphibian. The others were fish and amphibians too. I had never really noticed. I just thought I was a water molecule.
I began to notice that I saw better and could run farther faster and experience more kinds of fun outside the algae-ridden pond. I was developing human characteristics. The others had this evolutionary potential, but they didn't know it.
I still fell prey to spells when I thought that really, I must be a water molecule, ready any time to become a big waterfall to scare the land owners of the other lands. I fell prey to spells when I thought that the visions were true.
I hadn't really yet determined if there was anything bigger than me that could replace the quaint little pond. I began to realize that there were things. I just wasn't giving them enough credence. And if I didn't realize my human characteristics often enough, I might really try to go sit in the pond, the stinky pond with algae, not realizing that people thought I thought I was too big to go back to thinking I was a drop of water.
But I haven't been back to have fun at this little pond. Even if I am frightened. I am growing land legs. I am looking at reality. And I have my own visions in my dreams at night. I think of my own stories when the sun shines, and when it rains. And I am discovering things that were too big to fit in the pond.
When you question this, you are led to believe that your own personal doubts are small compared to the vast reach into the eternities that the Church has. The incredible prominence around the globe is another thing that makes it so big.
In order to keep believing this, you must believe that all beliefs you have are small compared to all the beliefs the Church tells you to have. You must believe that you are insignificant in order to submit yourself to the Church's will.
I believed that I was a small drop in a large pond. I was overwhelmed by whatever was big enough to make a ripple in that pond. I saw incredible visions that the owners of the pond had given to all water molecules there. They told us they were from beautiful, crystal skies.
After a while, I stopped being a water droplet. I started being a different kind of molecule. I didn't like the other water molecules. I began to find other molecules to expand my cause and feel buoyed up rather than drowned.
It started to stink in the pond. I started to smell the algae. I didn't like it in that pond. I didn't have fish lungs. I had the lungs of a man who stands on land and breathes in the air that reaches to the sky, the real sky, not some mysterious spiritual sky.
The pond and the surrounding land and the keepers of the pond and the land started to bore me. I began to take walks farther and farther away from the pond into land owned by other kinds of men. I began to realize that the stink of the pond was getting farther and farther away, but I was still afraid of the visions of holiness that they gave us. What if they were true? Why was I wishing I could still believe in them?
I did not realize that I had sprouted a real self, a real body that walked on the ground above the pond, away from the pond. I had been fooled into thinking I was a tiny molecule. I missed the other "molecules." But really, I was more of an amphibian. The others were fish and amphibians too. I had never really noticed. I just thought I was a water molecule.
I began to notice that I saw better and could run farther faster and experience more kinds of fun outside the algae-ridden pond. I was developing human characteristics. The others had this evolutionary potential, but they didn't know it.
I still fell prey to spells when I thought that really, I must be a water molecule, ready any time to become a big waterfall to scare the land owners of the other lands. I fell prey to spells when I thought that the visions were true.
I hadn't really yet determined if there was anything bigger than me that could replace the quaint little pond. I began to realize that there were things. I just wasn't giving them enough credence. And if I didn't realize my human characteristics often enough, I might really try to go sit in the pond, the stinky pond with algae, not realizing that people thought I thought I was too big to go back to thinking I was a drop of water.
But I haven't been back to have fun at this little pond. Even if I am frightened. I am growing land legs. I am looking at reality. And I have my own visions in my dreams at night. I think of my own stories when the sun shines, and when it rains. And I am discovering things that were too big to fit in the pond.
Friday, February 15, 2008
A Desolating Scourge
I just found more good stuff!
I looked up 3 Nephi 13: 19-21. It contains a copy of one of the Biblical passages that contradicts Jacob 2:17-19.
It says, "Lay not up for youselves treasure upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and thieves break through and steal;
"But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal.
"For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."
Why, oh why, is the Book of Mormon getting stupider and stupider? It doesn't happen overnight. No one wakes up and suddenly says that the number one sacred text of their religion is kind of suspect! No one does this. And yet I keep finding things that indicate there is even more junk to be de-bunked!
I was reading my Bible and finding even more passages lifted and stuck in the Book of Mormon or Doctrine and Covenants. And I found even more that I could not believe!
But what is worse than collapsing doctrine in the Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants is a chapter of Isaiah. Isaiah 28 appears to have some warnings for certain LDS people. It is originally a warning to those who were rulers of Jerusalem at that time, but it rings with a truthfulness to some modern LDS practices.
Isaiah 28: 14-18 says: "Where hear the word of the Lord, ye scornful men, that rule this people which is in Jerusalem.
"Because ye have said, We have made a covenant with death, and with hell are we at agreement; when the overflowing scourge shall pass through, it shall not come unto us: for we have made lies our refuge, and under falsehood have we hid ourselves:
"Therefore thus saith the Lord GOD, Behold, I lay in Zion for a foundation a stone, a tried stone, a precious corner stone, a sure foundation: he that believeth shall not make haste.
"Judgment also will I lay to the line, and righteousness to the plummet: and the hail shall sweep away the refuge of lies, and the waters shall overflow the hiding place.
"And your covenant with death shall be disannulled, and your agreement with hell shall not stand; when the overflowing scourge shall pass through, then ye shall be trodden down by it.
"From the time that it goeth forth it shall take you: for morning by morning shall it pass over, by day and by night: and it shall be a vexation only to understand the report.
"For the bed is shorter than that a man can stretch himself on it: and the covering narrower than that he can wrap himself in it.
"For the LORD shall rise up as in mount Perazim, he shall be wroth as in the valley of Gibeon, that he may do his work, his strange work; and bring to pass his act, his strange act.
"Now there be ye not mockers, lest your bands be made strong: for I have heard from the Lord GOD of Hosts a consumption, even determined upon the whole earth." (KJV)
It just seems that the "covenant with death" and the "agreement with hell" refers to temple endowment covenants. Some people who have gone through the temple have thought there was a Satanic element to the rituals. It may not be a covenant with God that people make there. Also, the covenant with death would be the penalties for sharing temple ceremonies with anyone else.
Also, the making "lies our refuge" appears to be the way the Mormons square themselves with their violent, polygamous past. The leaders do not detail the history in all accuracy to the LDS people. They only seem to hide it. "Under falsehood" have they hid themselves. Also, the "overflowing scourge shall pass through" and "it will not come unto us" refers to the idea that the LDS people believe that in the second coming they will not burn with the wicked. They will go back to Missouri, raise up Zion, and be saved. They also believe they are protected by the Lord from the evils of our day that may visit themselves upon other peoples.
Yet, in verse 17, "Judgment also will I lay to the line, and righteousness to the plummet: and the hail shall sweep away the refuge of lifes, and the waters shall overflow the hiding place." What if, one day the Lord decides to judge the refuges of lies--temples and meeting houses, in which the LDS people continually lie about their heritage, their past, and their doctrine?
"And your covenant with death shall be disannulled, and your agreement with hell shall not stand" indicates that those rituals and oaths will not withstand the judgments of the Lord in the last days. What if indeed there is a desolating scourge that the LDS people will not withstand?
It indicates, in verse 22, that the "consumption, even determined upon the whole earth," is the timeframe in which this prophecy could come to pass. That this desolating scourge could come upon those in a much later time, when the whole earth will have a "consumption" upon it.
It seems that any who take false covenants are not only not protecting themselves. They are dragging themselves into the ignorance of the whole earth.
I find this passage in Isaiah to be rather difficult to interpret. I also find in it a sign that the elements of the evils I am speaking up about seem to gather themselves rather closely into one Biblical passage.
Floods? Scourges? Is this possible?
You be the judge. I am here to show as best as I can.
I looked up 3 Nephi 13: 19-21. It contains a copy of one of the Biblical passages that contradicts Jacob 2:17-19.
It says, "Lay not up for youselves treasure upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and thieves break through and steal;
"But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal.
"For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."
Why, oh why, is the Book of Mormon getting stupider and stupider? It doesn't happen overnight. No one wakes up and suddenly says that the number one sacred text of their religion is kind of suspect! No one does this. And yet I keep finding things that indicate there is even more junk to be de-bunked!
I was reading my Bible and finding even more passages lifted and stuck in the Book of Mormon or Doctrine and Covenants. And I found even more that I could not believe!
But what is worse than collapsing doctrine in the Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants is a chapter of Isaiah. Isaiah 28 appears to have some warnings for certain LDS people. It is originally a warning to those who were rulers of Jerusalem at that time, but it rings with a truthfulness to some modern LDS practices.
Isaiah 28: 14-18 says: "Where hear the word of the Lord, ye scornful men, that rule this people which is in Jerusalem.
"Because ye have said, We have made a covenant with death, and with hell are we at agreement; when the overflowing scourge shall pass through, it shall not come unto us: for we have made lies our refuge, and under falsehood have we hid ourselves:
"Therefore thus saith the Lord GOD, Behold, I lay in Zion for a foundation a stone, a tried stone, a precious corner stone, a sure foundation: he that believeth shall not make haste.
"Judgment also will I lay to the line, and righteousness to the plummet: and the hail shall sweep away the refuge of lies, and the waters shall overflow the hiding place.
"And your covenant with death shall be disannulled, and your agreement with hell shall not stand; when the overflowing scourge shall pass through, then ye shall be trodden down by it.
"From the time that it goeth forth it shall take you: for morning by morning shall it pass over, by day and by night: and it shall be a vexation only to understand the report.
"For the bed is shorter than that a man can stretch himself on it: and the covering narrower than that he can wrap himself in it.
"For the LORD shall rise up as in mount Perazim, he shall be wroth as in the valley of Gibeon, that he may do his work, his strange work; and bring to pass his act, his strange act.
"Now there be ye not mockers, lest your bands be made strong: for I have heard from the Lord GOD of Hosts a consumption, even determined upon the whole earth." (KJV)
It just seems that the "covenant with death" and the "agreement with hell" refers to temple endowment covenants. Some people who have gone through the temple have thought there was a Satanic element to the rituals. It may not be a covenant with God that people make there. Also, the covenant with death would be the penalties for sharing temple ceremonies with anyone else.
Also, the making "lies our refuge" appears to be the way the Mormons square themselves with their violent, polygamous past. The leaders do not detail the history in all accuracy to the LDS people. They only seem to hide it. "Under falsehood" have they hid themselves. Also, the "overflowing scourge shall pass through" and "it will not come unto us" refers to the idea that the LDS people believe that in the second coming they will not burn with the wicked. They will go back to Missouri, raise up Zion, and be saved. They also believe they are protected by the Lord from the evils of our day that may visit themselves upon other peoples.
Yet, in verse 17, "Judgment also will I lay to the line, and righteousness to the plummet: and the hail shall sweep away the refuge of lifes, and the waters shall overflow the hiding place." What if, one day the Lord decides to judge the refuges of lies--temples and meeting houses, in which the LDS people continually lie about their heritage, their past, and their doctrine?
"And your covenant with death shall be disannulled, and your agreement with hell shall not stand" indicates that those rituals and oaths will not withstand the judgments of the Lord in the last days. What if indeed there is a desolating scourge that the LDS people will not withstand?
It indicates, in verse 22, that the "consumption, even determined upon the whole earth," is the timeframe in which this prophecy could come to pass. That this desolating scourge could come upon those in a much later time, when the whole earth will have a "consumption" upon it.
It seems that any who take false covenants are not only not protecting themselves. They are dragging themselves into the ignorance of the whole earth.
I find this passage in Isaiah to be rather difficult to interpret. I also find in it a sign that the elements of the evils I am speaking up about seem to gather themselves rather closely into one Biblical passage.
Floods? Scourges? Is this possible?
You be the judge. I am here to show as best as I can.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Seeking Treasures on Earth and in Heaven
Joseph Smith was trying to be Moses AND Jesus. It appears that he took passages of the Bible and either used them as examples of ways he could shape his organization, or he stuck them in the Book of Mormon, altered, in his own words. Sometimes these words ring true. But often, they are altered in a way that distorts the real truth.
Jacob 2: 17-19: "Think of your brethren like unto yourselves, and be familiar with all and free with your substance, that they may be rich like unto you.
"But before ye seek for riches, seek ye for the kingdom of God.
"And after ye have obtained a hope in Christ ye shall obtain riches, if ye seek them; and ye will seek them for the intent to do good--to clothe the naked, and to feed the hungry, and to liberate the captive, and administer relief to the sick and the afflicted."
This sounds principled enough. Seek for the kingdom of God first. Be familiar with your brothers and sisters. Be free with your substance. Make everyone else rich, too.
If you seek riches, seek them for the intent to do good by clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, liberating the captive, and administering relief to the sick and the afflicted.
Especially when we get to verse 19, this all sounds very good. But let me think critically for a moment.
It seems that being free with your substance that all may be rich could be stretched to mean: live the United Order that Joseph Smith and Brigham Young have set up. Turn all your wealth over to us and we'll re-distribute it! This is the kind of thing the early LDS pioneers lived. Essentially, it's a form of socialism.
Also, the idea of seeking for riches for anything BUT helping others is ignored in this Book of Mormon passage. People need things as they go through life. They need to pay off debts. They need to pay for treatment of their medical conditions. They need to pay for items and help that further their vocations and callings in life. They need to feed and clothe their children. If giving all your money to charity is all you ever had to do with your money, this would be great. But money matters get complicated. Particularly in the complicated world in which we live.
Also, in the early days of the Church, Brigham Young was advising the people to avoid going prospecting in California. The time of the gold rush and the start of the wealth from that American historical period was something that threatened the status of Brigham Young and his Church, and the membership of that church.
So, what if the people had sought for the kingdom of God and could go on to seeking riches? Well, Brigham Young didn't even let them think about it. Another Book of Mormon passage disrespected by an LDS leader!
There is a Bible passage that I really like. It complements and constrasts the Jacob Book of Mormon passage. It is a passage from The Sermon on the Mount.
"This is why I tell you: Don't worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Isn't life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the sky; they don't sow or reap or gather in barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren't you worth more than they? Can any of you add a single cubit to his height by worrying? And why do you worry about clothes? Learn how the wildflowers of the field grow: they don't labor or spin thread. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was adorned like one of these! If that's how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and thrown into the furnace tomorrow, won't He do much more for you--you of little faith? So don't worry, saying 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear?' For the idolaters eagerly seek all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you. Therefore don't worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:25-34, Holman Bible.)
So, basically, this Biblical passage tells you to seek the kingdom of God first as well. It also says to seek "His righteousness." You are not just trying to be saved. You are also trying to be good and partake of the love that Jesus offers those who seek Him. This is a quest for a sacred life, not just the promise of a sacred afterlife, as the Book of Mormon passage might have you believe.
Basically, all the physical and material things it mentions in the passage will be provided for you if you first seek the kingdom of God and His righteousness. It does not mean that you stop seeking for the kingdom and His righteousness. It does not say that now you can go get rich. It says that as you seek Jesus and all that is right, you will be provided for. This probably means, on a very simple level, that if you plead with the Lord in prayer for a car, you might not even be listened to. But if you seek righteousness and salvation, you will be more guided in your attempts to fill the needs of this life, including your need for a car. The Lord will help provide for those who truly seek Him.
Also, there is more instruction: "Don't collect for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break through and steal. But collect for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves don't break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." (Matthew 6: 19-21, Holman Bible)
Basically, the treasures you collect should be things you can take with you. And they should be that which helps you gain reward in heaven. If you are caught up in constantly looking for material wealth and material things, you are very in danger of never looking to collect that which will nourish your soul and give you reward in heaven.
Basically, seeking for riches is something that must be balanced with seeking for the kingdom of God. The Book of Mormon says it is okay, flat out, after you have "hope in Christ," I guess maybe hope of salvation. The Bible says that it is okay only when balanced with seeking for Jesus and His righteousness and treasures in heaven. So, we must forever balance, in the Bible's approach. The Book of Mormon seriously undervalues this seeking for Christ and righteousness and reward in heaven.
It seems arrogant to me that we should have obtained "the kingdom of God," and then are able to abandon this search to get rich.
So, basically, here is one place I found today that shows that the Bible indeed has more to offer us.
Jacob 2: 17-19: "Think of your brethren like unto yourselves, and be familiar with all and free with your substance, that they may be rich like unto you.
"But before ye seek for riches, seek ye for the kingdom of God.
"And after ye have obtained a hope in Christ ye shall obtain riches, if ye seek them; and ye will seek them for the intent to do good--to clothe the naked, and to feed the hungry, and to liberate the captive, and administer relief to the sick and the afflicted."
This sounds principled enough. Seek for the kingdom of God first. Be familiar with your brothers and sisters. Be free with your substance. Make everyone else rich, too.
If you seek riches, seek them for the intent to do good by clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, liberating the captive, and administering relief to the sick and the afflicted.
Especially when we get to verse 19, this all sounds very good. But let me think critically for a moment.
It seems that being free with your substance that all may be rich could be stretched to mean: live the United Order that Joseph Smith and Brigham Young have set up. Turn all your wealth over to us and we'll re-distribute it! This is the kind of thing the early LDS pioneers lived. Essentially, it's a form of socialism.
Also, the idea of seeking for riches for anything BUT helping others is ignored in this Book of Mormon passage. People need things as they go through life. They need to pay off debts. They need to pay for treatment of their medical conditions. They need to pay for items and help that further their vocations and callings in life. They need to feed and clothe their children. If giving all your money to charity is all you ever had to do with your money, this would be great. But money matters get complicated. Particularly in the complicated world in which we live.
Also, in the early days of the Church, Brigham Young was advising the people to avoid going prospecting in California. The time of the gold rush and the start of the wealth from that American historical period was something that threatened the status of Brigham Young and his Church, and the membership of that church.
So, what if the people had sought for the kingdom of God and could go on to seeking riches? Well, Brigham Young didn't even let them think about it. Another Book of Mormon passage disrespected by an LDS leader!
There is a Bible passage that I really like. It complements and constrasts the Jacob Book of Mormon passage. It is a passage from The Sermon on the Mount.
"This is why I tell you: Don't worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Isn't life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the sky; they don't sow or reap or gather in barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren't you worth more than they? Can any of you add a single cubit to his height by worrying? And why do you worry about clothes? Learn how the wildflowers of the field grow: they don't labor or spin thread. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was adorned like one of these! If that's how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and thrown into the furnace tomorrow, won't He do much more for you--you of little faith? So don't worry, saying 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear?' For the idolaters eagerly seek all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you. Therefore don't worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:25-34, Holman Bible.)
So, basically, this Biblical passage tells you to seek the kingdom of God first as well. It also says to seek "His righteousness." You are not just trying to be saved. You are also trying to be good and partake of the love that Jesus offers those who seek Him. This is a quest for a sacred life, not just the promise of a sacred afterlife, as the Book of Mormon passage might have you believe.
Basically, all the physical and material things it mentions in the passage will be provided for you if you first seek the kingdom of God and His righteousness. It does not mean that you stop seeking for the kingdom and His righteousness. It does not say that now you can go get rich. It says that as you seek Jesus and all that is right, you will be provided for. This probably means, on a very simple level, that if you plead with the Lord in prayer for a car, you might not even be listened to. But if you seek righteousness and salvation, you will be more guided in your attempts to fill the needs of this life, including your need for a car. The Lord will help provide for those who truly seek Him.
Also, there is more instruction: "Don't collect for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break through and steal. But collect for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves don't break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." (Matthew 6: 19-21, Holman Bible)
Basically, the treasures you collect should be things you can take with you. And they should be that which helps you gain reward in heaven. If you are caught up in constantly looking for material wealth and material things, you are very in danger of never looking to collect that which will nourish your soul and give you reward in heaven.
Basically, seeking for riches is something that must be balanced with seeking for the kingdom of God. The Book of Mormon says it is okay, flat out, after you have "hope in Christ," I guess maybe hope of salvation. The Bible says that it is okay only when balanced with seeking for Jesus and His righteousness and treasures in heaven. So, we must forever balance, in the Bible's approach. The Book of Mormon seriously undervalues this seeking for Christ and righteousness and reward in heaven.
It seems arrogant to me that we should have obtained "the kingdom of God," and then are able to abandon this search to get rich.
So, basically, here is one place I found today that shows that the Bible indeed has more to offer us.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
My Reading and My Progess So Far
I have completed reading "Beyond Mormonism." This book has a wow factor when it comes to the post-Mormon spiritual life of the author and his wife. I found myself teary-eyed as I read about his conversion to Christianity and the troubles his wife faced as she learned trust in Jesus Christ. Basically, I felt that these people really were on a spiritual journey as they headed out of the Mormon Church.
I am currently nearing the end of "Out of Mormonism" by Judy Robertson. This book is much more controversial and challenging for Mormons and non-Mormons alike. Judy and her family also seek Christianity as they leave the Mormon Church. But there roads both into and, finally, out of the Mormon Church are full of much more controversy. If you are currently having anxiety attacks or have recently suffered a nervous breakdown, do not read this book. It is very vivid about certain troubling things about Mormonism.
I also received, in the mail, "The Life Organizer" by Jennifer Louden. It teaches the reader how to create a spiritual and individual approach to life-planning. Basically, this book espouses you listening to your own heart and following your own beliefs. This book explains a few things I need to know about keeping my life path open, particularly as I am leaving a very structured environment and approach to life.
I think that I have plenty of books to read. As soon as I finish the ones I have, or get bored, I am going to be getting some more books!
At this point, I see myself as having rejected many doctrines of Mormonism. I think that now I need to keep studying things that promote the growth of my mind and my more positive emotions. I have processed a lot of anger. I have realized that I only half-believed Mormonism, especially after I started to have a lot of trouble in my own life. My conscience was telling me certain things were untrue even though the Church and the LDS scriptures were telling me they were true. I really did begin, about three years ago, to have incredible cognitive dissonance about each thing taught in church.
The fact is, that even if you do not agree with your Mormon brothers and sister on a lot of things they say, you keep clinging to Mormonism as if it must be your own. You really are told that happiness IS the object and design of your existence, even though nothing about the religion is making you happy. Some of the doctrines are just an excuse to keep you in. Some of the doctrines are meant to hide the more disturbing aspects of the church and what goes on in its temples. In other words, there is a whole wall of doctrine that is a lie. When members believe the truths about the church, and they believe the lies, they can get confused, particularly when they dig deeper and seriously learn about and discuss the roots of the church. Particularly when they review and research statements and behaviors of past prophets and leaders and the words of the LDS scriptural canon.
I have by no means, formally named all of these discrepancies. I do not think I know all of them. I have already named the discrepancies involved in baptizing children.
Currently, I have decided to read the Book of Mormon only every four days. I can read the Bible everyday, but the Book of Mormon has been causing me problems. As I mentioned before, as a former brainwashing tool that I was taught to use against myself, it is inappropriate to take it very seriously, at least for the duration of about a month.
I feel like I really have figured out a lot. I am starting to understand why I used to see things the way I did. I am understanding my defensiveness. I had more troubled relationships with others because I could not compromise with them. Emotionally, I was very repressed and drained. I could not give anything to anyone. I understand now that I was drained by my attempts to live as a Mormon. I already feel less uptight when interacting with my family members. I really did not have anything left to give. And that surprises me! Why was it that I seemed to be able to give? I could. I just couldn't give without turning myself into an overly involved emotional wreck. And I was seriously drawn to co-dependence. After all, everything had to be about me or I wouldn't have been able to survive.
And the LDS leaders were always telling us women that we had to give and show charity to others. If you ask me, the strict application of more than one Mormon doctrine at once will leave you without the ability to give or have charity or love others the way you would really like. You are trapped on every side. You can't move to the right or the left. The conflicting doctrines really do contribute to this syndrome. Perhaps, at some point, I will name more of these doctrines.
I am currently nearing the end of "Out of Mormonism" by Judy Robertson. This book is much more controversial and challenging for Mormons and non-Mormons alike. Judy and her family also seek Christianity as they leave the Mormon Church. But there roads both into and, finally, out of the Mormon Church are full of much more controversy. If you are currently having anxiety attacks or have recently suffered a nervous breakdown, do not read this book. It is very vivid about certain troubling things about Mormonism.
I also received, in the mail, "The Life Organizer" by Jennifer Louden. It teaches the reader how to create a spiritual and individual approach to life-planning. Basically, this book espouses you listening to your own heart and following your own beliefs. This book explains a few things I need to know about keeping my life path open, particularly as I am leaving a very structured environment and approach to life.
I think that I have plenty of books to read. As soon as I finish the ones I have, or get bored, I am going to be getting some more books!
At this point, I see myself as having rejected many doctrines of Mormonism. I think that now I need to keep studying things that promote the growth of my mind and my more positive emotions. I have processed a lot of anger. I have realized that I only half-believed Mormonism, especially after I started to have a lot of trouble in my own life. My conscience was telling me certain things were untrue even though the Church and the LDS scriptures were telling me they were true. I really did begin, about three years ago, to have incredible cognitive dissonance about each thing taught in church.
The fact is, that even if you do not agree with your Mormon brothers and sister on a lot of things they say, you keep clinging to Mormonism as if it must be your own. You really are told that happiness IS the object and design of your existence, even though nothing about the religion is making you happy. Some of the doctrines are just an excuse to keep you in. Some of the doctrines are meant to hide the more disturbing aspects of the church and what goes on in its temples. In other words, there is a whole wall of doctrine that is a lie. When members believe the truths about the church, and they believe the lies, they can get confused, particularly when they dig deeper and seriously learn about and discuss the roots of the church. Particularly when they review and research statements and behaviors of past prophets and leaders and the words of the LDS scriptural canon.
I have by no means, formally named all of these discrepancies. I do not think I know all of them. I have already named the discrepancies involved in baptizing children.
Currently, I have decided to read the Book of Mormon only every four days. I can read the Bible everyday, but the Book of Mormon has been causing me problems. As I mentioned before, as a former brainwashing tool that I was taught to use against myself, it is inappropriate to take it very seriously, at least for the duration of about a month.
I feel like I really have figured out a lot. I am starting to understand why I used to see things the way I did. I am understanding my defensiveness. I had more troubled relationships with others because I could not compromise with them. Emotionally, I was very repressed and drained. I could not give anything to anyone. I understand now that I was drained by my attempts to live as a Mormon. I already feel less uptight when interacting with my family members. I really did not have anything left to give. And that surprises me! Why was it that I seemed to be able to give? I could. I just couldn't give without turning myself into an overly involved emotional wreck. And I was seriously drawn to co-dependence. After all, everything had to be about me or I wouldn't have been able to survive.
And the LDS leaders were always telling us women that we had to give and show charity to others. If you ask me, the strict application of more than one Mormon doctrine at once will leave you without the ability to give or have charity or love others the way you would really like. You are trapped on every side. You can't move to the right or the left. The conflicting doctrines really do contribute to this syndrome. Perhaps, at some point, I will name more of these doctrines.
Monday, February 11, 2008
The Book of Mormon: The Low Down
This weekend, I finally got in touch with my anger about the Book of Mormon. Currently, I only really believe in it halfway. I think there is good stuff in it. But I also realize that it is the LDS Church's brainwashing tool.
What I am saying is that they get you to read the Book of Mormon everyday, and then you suddenly decided to stay.
My take on the Book of Mormon is that it is halfway fiction. Basically, I am saying that the story about the Nephites and the Lamanites is probably made up. I am not saying that it is not absolutely brilliant, which it is. I am saying that it is probably a made up story.
One of the signs that it is a made up story is that so far, the DNA scientists have from Native Americans is pointing to their origins from a part of Asia. It doesn't point to origins from the ancient Middle East, as the Book of Mormon and the Mormon Church would have you believe.
I have also heard, but not yet checked out, that the 1830 edition of the Book of Mormon has a number of things different in it than the current Book of Mormon. I want to get a copy of it and compare it to my most current edition. I also have editions of it from the 1980's that I want to compare. Of course, there would be far fewer differences between now and the '80's, but it might yield some result.
Basically, what is really important, is that I do not believe the Book of Mormon should be automatically labeled the word of God as the LDS faith has it. I wish to search and read the Bible more to see if there are more origins of doctrines and passages in the Book of Mormon that I haven't yet found.
Basically, at this point, my real goal is to find out if there is indeed any truth in the Book of Mormon at all. In that goal is for me a realization of what percentage of the Book of Mormon I want to pay attention to in my further pursuits and reviews of the truth.
Now I need to get back to what I said about the Book of Mormon being a brainwashing tool of the LDS Church. In the 1980's, Ezra Taft Benson made a point of telling the LDS people that they were under condemnation or a curse if they did not take the Book of Mormon seriously--reading it and following their teachings. Also, it is a position of the LDS Church that the Book of Mormon is the most correct book on the earth and it contains a fullness of the gospel.
Basically, LDS folk are instructed to read it everyday so that they will not be under condemnation or curse of any kind by God. Also, the LDS believe that those who criticize the Book of Mormon as being faulty and untrue are under condemnation.
So, basically, I was under the impression that if I didn't read the Book of Mormon most days, I would fall under condemnation.
At first, this was not a bad thing. Given that there is truth in the book, I have had some uplifting and life-changing experiences stemming from my readings of its pages. It is not all bad.
However, I was led to believe that it would keep me from temptation and that my life would go easier if I read it. I was also led to believe that I would be more spiritual if I read it everyday. The spiritual thing goes along with being able to keep from temptation. I was also supposed to be happier.
It was not completely wrong that the Book of Mormon could make me happy. It has some good, uplifting messages in its pages.
However, my life actually got weirder and weirder after a certain point in the late 1990's. I was doing less and less well emotionally. I had anxiety attacks and anxiety issues and thoughts start to arise. My life was not actually getting better. Sometimes, reading the Book of Mormon did calm me down. But there were parts of the book that seemed harsh or even a bit fictional and shadowy.
About three years ago, it got very hard to read the Book of Mormon. It was suggested to me, about four years ago that I was too angry and judgmental of others. I did my best to drop some anger. It helped.
But little did I know that constantly reading the Book of Mormon and judging myself harshly were linked. The doctrines in the Book of Mormon are very black and white. And because of this I could not stop judging others harshly. There are black and white doctrines in the Bible. However, no one told me to read the pages with these doctrines daily.
Basically, I began to see the world as an evil place. And yes, it was so bad, that many times I was screaming for professional help, without always knowing it.
It the last three years of my life, I did my best to keep reading the Book of Mormon. It was as if I was gagging on it. Some weeks I would read it daily. But I would stop the chronological reading to go to passages that I liked the best. I realize now that I was detecting those passages that I really thought were inspired and that I thought really soothed me.
It also kept me thinking that I needed to go to church and participate in it. I kept feeling guilty for not living an LDS Church centered life, when actually, I couldn't stand to do so anymore. The torture just kept building and building. And I found more and more doctrines preached by members in regular meetings to be either false or completely back woods and judgmental. I basically, was becoming someone who did not believe as my active LDS brothers and sisters did. And I was still trying to make myself conform by reading the Book of Mormon. And I hated it more and more. I started taking more and more cheap routes in my reading.
I realized, last month, that I didn't have to read my Book of Mormon everyday. I think that that is when my mind came out of the shadows, and I really started to consider other kinds of truths. About two months before that time I had decided that the LDS Church as presently constituted was not true. When I began to ease up on Book of Mormon study, I was able to consider the possibility that it may have always been a church in trouble with the truth.
Since that realization last month, I have found out a lot that has made the reality of the LDS Church burn down before my eyes.
And I am starting to become less judgmental about myself and others. I think that when the Bible tells us to not judge others, I think that what it is really telling us is that we need to avoid stuffing our lives with things that cause judgmental attitudes. Alas, even my little Book of Mormon needs to be handled with care.
What I am saying is that they get you to read the Book of Mormon everyday, and then you suddenly decided to stay.
My take on the Book of Mormon is that it is halfway fiction. Basically, I am saying that the story about the Nephites and the Lamanites is probably made up. I am not saying that it is not absolutely brilliant, which it is. I am saying that it is probably a made up story.
One of the signs that it is a made up story is that so far, the DNA scientists have from Native Americans is pointing to their origins from a part of Asia. It doesn't point to origins from the ancient Middle East, as the Book of Mormon and the Mormon Church would have you believe.
I have also heard, but not yet checked out, that the 1830 edition of the Book of Mormon has a number of things different in it than the current Book of Mormon. I want to get a copy of it and compare it to my most current edition. I also have editions of it from the 1980's that I want to compare. Of course, there would be far fewer differences between now and the '80's, but it might yield some result.
Basically, what is really important, is that I do not believe the Book of Mormon should be automatically labeled the word of God as the LDS faith has it. I wish to search and read the Bible more to see if there are more origins of doctrines and passages in the Book of Mormon that I haven't yet found.
Basically, at this point, my real goal is to find out if there is indeed any truth in the Book of Mormon at all. In that goal is for me a realization of what percentage of the Book of Mormon I want to pay attention to in my further pursuits and reviews of the truth.
Now I need to get back to what I said about the Book of Mormon being a brainwashing tool of the LDS Church. In the 1980's, Ezra Taft Benson made a point of telling the LDS people that they were under condemnation or a curse if they did not take the Book of Mormon seriously--reading it and following their teachings. Also, it is a position of the LDS Church that the Book of Mormon is the most correct book on the earth and it contains a fullness of the gospel.
Basically, LDS folk are instructed to read it everyday so that they will not be under condemnation or curse of any kind by God. Also, the LDS believe that those who criticize the Book of Mormon as being faulty and untrue are under condemnation.
So, basically, I was under the impression that if I didn't read the Book of Mormon most days, I would fall under condemnation.
At first, this was not a bad thing. Given that there is truth in the book, I have had some uplifting and life-changing experiences stemming from my readings of its pages. It is not all bad.
However, I was led to believe that it would keep me from temptation and that my life would go easier if I read it. I was also led to believe that I would be more spiritual if I read it everyday. The spiritual thing goes along with being able to keep from temptation. I was also supposed to be happier.
It was not completely wrong that the Book of Mormon could make me happy. It has some good, uplifting messages in its pages.
However, my life actually got weirder and weirder after a certain point in the late 1990's. I was doing less and less well emotionally. I had anxiety attacks and anxiety issues and thoughts start to arise. My life was not actually getting better. Sometimes, reading the Book of Mormon did calm me down. But there were parts of the book that seemed harsh or even a bit fictional and shadowy.
About three years ago, it got very hard to read the Book of Mormon. It was suggested to me, about four years ago that I was too angry and judgmental of others. I did my best to drop some anger. It helped.
But little did I know that constantly reading the Book of Mormon and judging myself harshly were linked. The doctrines in the Book of Mormon are very black and white. And because of this I could not stop judging others harshly. There are black and white doctrines in the Bible. However, no one told me to read the pages with these doctrines daily.
Basically, I began to see the world as an evil place. And yes, it was so bad, that many times I was screaming for professional help, without always knowing it.
It the last three years of my life, I did my best to keep reading the Book of Mormon. It was as if I was gagging on it. Some weeks I would read it daily. But I would stop the chronological reading to go to passages that I liked the best. I realize now that I was detecting those passages that I really thought were inspired and that I thought really soothed me.
It also kept me thinking that I needed to go to church and participate in it. I kept feeling guilty for not living an LDS Church centered life, when actually, I couldn't stand to do so anymore. The torture just kept building and building. And I found more and more doctrines preached by members in regular meetings to be either false or completely back woods and judgmental. I basically, was becoming someone who did not believe as my active LDS brothers and sisters did. And I was still trying to make myself conform by reading the Book of Mormon. And I hated it more and more. I started taking more and more cheap routes in my reading.
I realized, last month, that I didn't have to read my Book of Mormon everyday. I think that that is when my mind came out of the shadows, and I really started to consider other kinds of truths. About two months before that time I had decided that the LDS Church as presently constituted was not true. When I began to ease up on Book of Mormon study, I was able to consider the possibility that it may have always been a church in trouble with the truth.
Since that realization last month, I have found out a lot that has made the reality of the LDS Church burn down before my eyes.
And I am starting to become less judgmental about myself and others. I think that when the Bible tells us to not judge others, I think that what it is really telling us is that we need to avoid stuffing our lives with things that cause judgmental attitudes. Alas, even my little Book of Mormon needs to be handled with care.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Am I Still A Child?
I have received some of my books from Amazon.com. I have started reading, "Under the Banner of Heaven" and am halfway through "Beyond Mormonism: An Elder's Story." I am also enjoying my Holman Student Bible. It looks like the type of Bible that young Christians and Jews use. I love it! It is in color, too!
I think that I am starting to realize that some people are snagged into joining the LDS Church because they are attracted to what looks like the truth. Also, some missionaries use leading questions that make you assume they are teaching you the truth. This is being made clear to me as I read "Beyond Mormonism."
I think I am also surprised by the conclusion the author of "Beyond Mormonism" when he claimed that he and his wife, while still members of the LDS Church, were stuck in a rut. Then, after they leave the Church, they finally starting progressing again. I must say that the LDS Church has had me stuck too. I have been stuck in shame, hatred of self, reading the same church literature over and over again, feeling like a six-year-old instead of an adult, afraid and unable to make my own decisions, afraid to even think about the things that would happen should I even go against Church doctrine.
I think that the truth is this: I was stuck in a parent/child relationship with the LDS Church. I was the child. The LDS Church was the parent. As long as I stayed in the LDS Church, I would be taken care of. Now that I am heading toward the exit I have to say that last month was the first time that I had a sense of myself as an adult. I actually felt grown-up.
I think that now that I am making my own choices about what I will believe and what I will disbelieve, I am starting to feel a maturity that I thought I would never feel. I will say that I actually believe that being an adult is about making my own choices despite what everyone else says.
I feel like an adult because I am thinking about moral scenarios. What will happen if I make that decision? Would I feel comfortable making that decision? I am deciding what moral boundaries I have based on my own judgment. This makes me feel grown-up as well.
Using my own mind to decide things is actually really, really good. God gave me a brain that I may use it. That is what I really think. How many others have felt like children because they were part of a strict, life-encompassing organization? How many others couldn't even claim their wisdom as they entered old age?
I think that in making me a child, the LDS Church was taking away my dignity. I had no sense of dignity. I was supposed to have humility. I was supposed to defer to others for their judgment of my problems. I was supposed to be completely loyal to something that began to slowly fall apart. I was supposed to believe that the arbitrary voices and opinions of my leaders was the voice of God.
I think that when the LDS Church is accused of being polytheistic it is about more than their unique take on the doctrine of the trinity. First, they tell members that if they are righteous and make it into the Celestial Kingdom and have entered into a celestial marriage, that they are destined to become gods in the next life. Second, many different men with the priesthood have claimed to be able to speak for God. Everyone from your bishop to the prophet of the LDS Church is able to tell you what to do because they speak the words of God. The LDS people can't just decide to do what one living prophet tells them to do. They also believe they are bound to do what every other priesthood leader over them tells them to do. They are given instruction until they have no time to do anything else in their lives. I believe that this is polytheistic as well.
I think that I was very overwhelmed by the idea that if I died righteous having been married in the temple that I would become a goddess with my god husband. I couldn't imagine having to carry out the responsibility of peopling and creating and ruling new worlds. This was too overwhelming. I just didn't see it in myself. After all, my leaders, and certain Book of Mormon doctrines, made me feel poorly about myself. My own self-image made it impossible for me to believe that I could rule myself. I was supposed to mope about in guilt and shame in this life, just waiting to be exalted and high self-esteem in the next life. It was too much of a leap.
Not only was I psychologically unprepared for the promises of the next life, I was also caught in a reasoning problem. Even if I did earn godhood, would that mean that for the billions of people on the earth, the billions of couples, that there was room in the universe for all of them to start new worlds? I really am straining to believe that that is a good idea.
I am also straining to believe that anyone knows the nature of God enough to be able to say that this is what we will be doing in the next life. Can we actually become gods? Are we god material? How do we know that we are god material if we cannot all agree on who and what God really is? How do we know if he has a body of flesh and blood? How do we know what properties and divinities and spiritual essences make him God? How do we know what role mortal gender plays in who is considered God? The LDS Church claims to know all of this. I think they claim it in arrogance. For many people, the nature of God is a concept that is either too sacred or too controversial.
At this point, I would say that the Mormon machine claims to churn out god material. I would only hope to ever claim to make myself material of goodness. How could I claim anything else?
I think that I am starting to realize that some people are snagged into joining the LDS Church because they are attracted to what looks like the truth. Also, some missionaries use leading questions that make you assume they are teaching you the truth. This is being made clear to me as I read "Beyond Mormonism."
I think I am also surprised by the conclusion the author of "Beyond Mormonism" when he claimed that he and his wife, while still members of the LDS Church, were stuck in a rut. Then, after they leave the Church, they finally starting progressing again. I must say that the LDS Church has had me stuck too. I have been stuck in shame, hatred of self, reading the same church literature over and over again, feeling like a six-year-old instead of an adult, afraid and unable to make my own decisions, afraid to even think about the things that would happen should I even go against Church doctrine.
I think that the truth is this: I was stuck in a parent/child relationship with the LDS Church. I was the child. The LDS Church was the parent. As long as I stayed in the LDS Church, I would be taken care of. Now that I am heading toward the exit I have to say that last month was the first time that I had a sense of myself as an adult. I actually felt grown-up.
I think that now that I am making my own choices about what I will believe and what I will disbelieve, I am starting to feel a maturity that I thought I would never feel. I will say that I actually believe that being an adult is about making my own choices despite what everyone else says.
I feel like an adult because I am thinking about moral scenarios. What will happen if I make that decision? Would I feel comfortable making that decision? I am deciding what moral boundaries I have based on my own judgment. This makes me feel grown-up as well.
Using my own mind to decide things is actually really, really good. God gave me a brain that I may use it. That is what I really think. How many others have felt like children because they were part of a strict, life-encompassing organization? How many others couldn't even claim their wisdom as they entered old age?
I think that in making me a child, the LDS Church was taking away my dignity. I had no sense of dignity. I was supposed to have humility. I was supposed to defer to others for their judgment of my problems. I was supposed to be completely loyal to something that began to slowly fall apart. I was supposed to believe that the arbitrary voices and opinions of my leaders was the voice of God.
I think that when the LDS Church is accused of being polytheistic it is about more than their unique take on the doctrine of the trinity. First, they tell members that if they are righteous and make it into the Celestial Kingdom and have entered into a celestial marriage, that they are destined to become gods in the next life. Second, many different men with the priesthood have claimed to be able to speak for God. Everyone from your bishop to the prophet of the LDS Church is able to tell you what to do because they speak the words of God. The LDS people can't just decide to do what one living prophet tells them to do. They also believe they are bound to do what every other priesthood leader over them tells them to do. They are given instruction until they have no time to do anything else in their lives. I believe that this is polytheistic as well.
I think that I was very overwhelmed by the idea that if I died righteous having been married in the temple that I would become a goddess with my god husband. I couldn't imagine having to carry out the responsibility of peopling and creating and ruling new worlds. This was too overwhelming. I just didn't see it in myself. After all, my leaders, and certain Book of Mormon doctrines, made me feel poorly about myself. My own self-image made it impossible for me to believe that I could rule myself. I was supposed to mope about in guilt and shame in this life, just waiting to be exalted and high self-esteem in the next life. It was too much of a leap.
Not only was I psychologically unprepared for the promises of the next life, I was also caught in a reasoning problem. Even if I did earn godhood, would that mean that for the billions of people on the earth, the billions of couples, that there was room in the universe for all of them to start new worlds? I really am straining to believe that that is a good idea.
I am also straining to believe that anyone knows the nature of God enough to be able to say that this is what we will be doing in the next life. Can we actually become gods? Are we god material? How do we know that we are god material if we cannot all agree on who and what God really is? How do we know if he has a body of flesh and blood? How do we know what properties and divinities and spiritual essences make him God? How do we know what role mortal gender plays in who is considered God? The LDS Church claims to know all of this. I think they claim it in arrogance. For many people, the nature of God is a concept that is either too sacred or too controversial.
At this point, I would say that the Mormon machine claims to churn out god material. I would only hope to ever claim to make myself material of goodness. How could I claim anything else?
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Grinding the Faces of the Poor
I have been reading the stories on the Biography Board at exmormon.org. I have enjoyed finding that the reasons I am leaving the LDS Church are the same reasons that others have left. And I feel less alone realizing that it is as hard for them to leave as it is for me.
I am starting to think of actually resigning. There are form letters and advice to get on resigning from the LDS Church. I think I will start working on the letter in March.
I am starting to feel constricted about being a member, even just in name only. I feel like the Church still owns me. It is a frightening feeling. I feel also, that if I don't resign, I will be haunted by persons trying to reactivate me, and I may experience some kind of LDS Church discipline, which is very harsh. Basically, from all accounts I know of, the leaders can actually try to re-brainwash you in any meeting you have with them from the date that you question the church or say you are leaving it. I feel it is safer to send in a resignation. Then, in a few years, I can see to the difficult task of getting my name removed from the records.
I think that the LDS Church is a bunch of bullies. They bully people into participating in their religious traditions. They can't just invite someone and accept it if a person thinks the Church isn't for them.
I am also appalled by the fact that they try to collect tithing from everybody, even people who are on government welfare, even though it is supposedly church policy that people on SSDI do not have to pay tithing. And not only do they expect tithing on 10% of your income from everyone. They also expect everyone to pay fast offerings. You are really only supposed to have to pay a few dollars of fast offering each month. But they would like to you to pay much, much more. Members have been urged to pay more.
What is worse is the fact that some members never get good welfare help, either because the Church thinks these members have brought their problems themselves, or because these members won't attend 100% of their church meetings or pay 10% tithing money. These members need welfare, so why do they need to extract money from them?
The year 2007 is the last year I paid any tithing to the LDS Church. According to an official statement that was sent to my home, I paid $1.28. Basically, the bishop was able to buy breath mints because of me. I'm so generous!
I feel good about giving the Church such a miniscule amount. That is about how much truth I've gotten out of it the past three years. One dollar and twenty eight cents worth.
I believe that the LDS Church is taking too much tithing money from the individual wards. After all, they need the money to keep up shopping malls and proselytize to poor people who are down and out and vulnerable to joining cults.
It should be noted that the church gives humanitarian aid. However, they spend more on their business ventures, PR, and other things to make them look good. They spend almost nothing to make the church run well. They bankrupt and take advantage of low and middle income people who barely have the time or money that each member is required to give. They are blood suckers!
I have read too many stories on exmormon.org. I have also seen that the poor people in my wards never got richer. The church grinds the face of the poor.
I am starting to think of actually resigning. There are form letters and advice to get on resigning from the LDS Church. I think I will start working on the letter in March.
I am starting to feel constricted about being a member, even just in name only. I feel like the Church still owns me. It is a frightening feeling. I feel also, that if I don't resign, I will be haunted by persons trying to reactivate me, and I may experience some kind of LDS Church discipline, which is very harsh. Basically, from all accounts I know of, the leaders can actually try to re-brainwash you in any meeting you have with them from the date that you question the church or say you are leaving it. I feel it is safer to send in a resignation. Then, in a few years, I can see to the difficult task of getting my name removed from the records.
I think that the LDS Church is a bunch of bullies. They bully people into participating in their religious traditions. They can't just invite someone and accept it if a person thinks the Church isn't for them.
I am also appalled by the fact that they try to collect tithing from everybody, even people who are on government welfare, even though it is supposedly church policy that people on SSDI do not have to pay tithing. And not only do they expect tithing on 10% of your income from everyone. They also expect everyone to pay fast offerings. You are really only supposed to have to pay a few dollars of fast offering each month. But they would like to you to pay much, much more. Members have been urged to pay more.
What is worse is the fact that some members never get good welfare help, either because the Church thinks these members have brought their problems themselves, or because these members won't attend 100% of their church meetings or pay 10% tithing money. These members need welfare, so why do they need to extract money from them?
The year 2007 is the last year I paid any tithing to the LDS Church. According to an official statement that was sent to my home, I paid $1.28. Basically, the bishop was able to buy breath mints because of me. I'm so generous!
I feel good about giving the Church such a miniscule amount. That is about how much truth I've gotten out of it the past three years. One dollar and twenty eight cents worth.
I believe that the LDS Church is taking too much tithing money from the individual wards. After all, they need the money to keep up shopping malls and proselytize to poor people who are down and out and vulnerable to joining cults.
It should be noted that the church gives humanitarian aid. However, they spend more on their business ventures, PR, and other things to make them look good. They spend almost nothing to make the church run well. They bankrupt and take advantage of low and middle income people who barely have the time or money that each member is required to give. They are blood suckers!
I have read too many stories on exmormon.org. I have also seen that the poor people in my wards never got richer. The church grinds the face of the poor.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Age of Innocence or Age of Accountability?
Today I am thinking about how long I am going to be a hermit. It makes sense to affiliate myself with no one for at least a year. Now I am thinking that maybe two years would make sense for affiliations with major organizations. No affiliations for one year. No affiliations with major groups for two years, including religious organizations.
Now the question of how long I will do Walden needs to be asked. It seems that I will not like being a total hermit for a whole year. I think I need some forced aloneness though.
I have decided that I will be a "Walden" hermit for seven months. This will buy me plenty of reading and thinking time and plenty of time to enjoy not being annoyed by persons who want me to give up my integrity. I can deal with those persons online, I think, but I can't deal with them in person at present.
I am also thinking that in August of 2008, I am going to slowly expose myself back into society. I will know my own mind better. When I don't know my own mind I waste energy defending myself for no good reason. And people like to take advantage of those who don't know their own minds.
I would now like to address more religious topics.
Last night, I did a Google search on "age of accountability." This is an important topic because the LDS Church says that eight-years-old is the age of accountability. I have grown up with this all my life, so it doesn't seem extremely strange. But it is starting to sound more and more wrong.
First of all, in my search, I found that the lowest non-LDS number was twelve. And the highest non-LDS number was twenty. Both of these numbers are higher than eight.
Basically, age of accountability is the age that a young person is responsible for his/her own decisions and managing his/her own temptations.
In the LDS Church, the age of accountability is the age that Satan is allowed to start tempting a person. It is also the age that members are supposed to be baptized.
I was baptized at the age of eight. It was not an unpleasant experience. But I had no idea what it meant. I just knew that I was now a church member. And that was a good thing. It meant I was growing up. I liked the respect of being a baptized member of the LDS Church.
And yet, I still find it wrong.
First of all, I find it strange that Joseph Smith would have decided that the age of eight is the age that a child would first be tempted of the devil. I don't even know, at this point, why he picked the age of eight. Second, I think that it is a way for the LDS Church to have more members who are loyal for life. Children are not known to withstand or oppose brainwashing. Also, they tend to do anything their parents and other respected authority figures tell them to do. Though a child may be sincere about wanting to be baptized, they could also be sincere about wanting to please their parents and wanting to be just like their friends who have also been baptized.
I really do not think that the age of eight is the age of accountability. Also, how does anyone think that someone would begin to be tempted by the devil at the same age as someone else? And how does anyone know when someone else's age of accountability for their own decisions begins? It may be different for each individual.
I think the fact that I had to get baptized at the age of eight made me more loyal to the Church. It also left me not understanding how seriously the LDS Church takes baptism. For them, baptism is a serious covenant. It is a promise to bear one another's burdens and stand for Christ. I find this serious type of covenant inappropriate for a child to take. It is a serious covenent for an adult to take.
Also, I do not think that I was responsible for all of my own behavior yet, due to the fact that I was still innocent and immature enough to figure out what I was and wasn't responsible for.
And here's the kicker, because I was baptized, I took it rather seriously. I thought of myself as an adult in my own child mind. I actually stopped playing with my toys and told everyone else that I was tired of them. It nearly took away my childhood. It should be noted however, that I did plenty of childish things, like playing pretend, coloring in coloring books, and playing with a sewing kit designed for children. I was still sort of playing with toys.
I want to know what is so wrong with being young and carefree. It seems that the LDS Church seeks to kill every spark of freshness and youth so that we will be afraid of sinning, so we will fear a temptation from the devil, so we will run to the temple and run to the Church for more instructions.
I just realized that there is a passage in the Book of Mormon that is violated by baptizing people so young into the LDS Church:
"Listen to the word of Christ, your Redeemer, your Lord and your God. Behold, I came into the world not to call the righteous but sinners to repentance; the whole need no physician, but they that are sick; wherefore, little children are whole, for they are not capable of committing sin; wherefore the curse of Adam is taken from them in me, that it hath no power over them; and the law of circumcision is done away in me.
"And after this manner did the Holy Ghost manifest the word of God unto me; wherefore, my beloved son, I know that it is solemn mockery before God, that ye should baptize little children.
"Behold I say unto you that this thing shall ye teach--repentance and baptism unto those who are accountable and capable of committing sin; yea, teach parents that they must repent and be baptized, and humble themselves as their little children, and they shall all be saved with their little children.
"And their little children need no repentance, neither baptism. Behold, baptism is unto repentance to the fulfilling the commandments unto the remission of sins.
"But little children are alive in Christ, even from the foundation of the world; if not so, God is a partial God, and also a changeable God, and a respecter to persons; for how many little children have died without baptism!" (Moroni 8:8-12)
It seems that this passage makes it clear that "little children" do not need baptism at all. It depends on what your interpretation of "little children" means. It could mean any kid too young to get it together. If you are of the age that you can barely give up your toys, you don't know about sex, and you have no clue how the real world works, and your only desire is to have fun and obey your parents, you are innocent. I was innocent at the age of eight. And I was completely too young to adhere to my baptismal covenants.
I think that many parents would see this in their offspring. I think that it takes a long time for someone who is eight years old to yet grow up.
I am surprised at the barracuda-like techniques that the LDS Church uses to maintain high church membership numbers and scare young people so that they will obey LDS authorities when they are older. I think that perhaps this is one sign that the LDS Church may be the wrong church, not the true church at all.
Now the question of how long I will do Walden needs to be asked. It seems that I will not like being a total hermit for a whole year. I think I need some forced aloneness though.
I have decided that I will be a "Walden" hermit for seven months. This will buy me plenty of reading and thinking time and plenty of time to enjoy not being annoyed by persons who want me to give up my integrity. I can deal with those persons online, I think, but I can't deal with them in person at present.
I am also thinking that in August of 2008, I am going to slowly expose myself back into society. I will know my own mind better. When I don't know my own mind I waste energy defending myself for no good reason. And people like to take advantage of those who don't know their own minds.
I would now like to address more religious topics.
Last night, I did a Google search on "age of accountability." This is an important topic because the LDS Church says that eight-years-old is the age of accountability. I have grown up with this all my life, so it doesn't seem extremely strange. But it is starting to sound more and more wrong.
First of all, in my search, I found that the lowest non-LDS number was twelve. And the highest non-LDS number was twenty. Both of these numbers are higher than eight.
Basically, age of accountability is the age that a young person is responsible for his/her own decisions and managing his/her own temptations.
In the LDS Church, the age of accountability is the age that Satan is allowed to start tempting a person. It is also the age that members are supposed to be baptized.
I was baptized at the age of eight. It was not an unpleasant experience. But I had no idea what it meant. I just knew that I was now a church member. And that was a good thing. It meant I was growing up. I liked the respect of being a baptized member of the LDS Church.
And yet, I still find it wrong.
First of all, I find it strange that Joseph Smith would have decided that the age of eight is the age that a child would first be tempted of the devil. I don't even know, at this point, why he picked the age of eight. Second, I think that it is a way for the LDS Church to have more members who are loyal for life. Children are not known to withstand or oppose brainwashing. Also, they tend to do anything their parents and other respected authority figures tell them to do. Though a child may be sincere about wanting to be baptized, they could also be sincere about wanting to please their parents and wanting to be just like their friends who have also been baptized.
I really do not think that the age of eight is the age of accountability. Also, how does anyone think that someone would begin to be tempted by the devil at the same age as someone else? And how does anyone know when someone else's age of accountability for their own decisions begins? It may be different for each individual.
I think the fact that I had to get baptized at the age of eight made me more loyal to the Church. It also left me not understanding how seriously the LDS Church takes baptism. For them, baptism is a serious covenant. It is a promise to bear one another's burdens and stand for Christ. I find this serious type of covenant inappropriate for a child to take. It is a serious covenent for an adult to take.
Also, I do not think that I was responsible for all of my own behavior yet, due to the fact that I was still innocent and immature enough to figure out what I was and wasn't responsible for.
And here's the kicker, because I was baptized, I took it rather seriously. I thought of myself as an adult in my own child mind. I actually stopped playing with my toys and told everyone else that I was tired of them. It nearly took away my childhood. It should be noted however, that I did plenty of childish things, like playing pretend, coloring in coloring books, and playing with a sewing kit designed for children. I was still sort of playing with toys.
I want to know what is so wrong with being young and carefree. It seems that the LDS Church seeks to kill every spark of freshness and youth so that we will be afraid of sinning, so we will fear a temptation from the devil, so we will run to the temple and run to the Church for more instructions.
I just realized that there is a passage in the Book of Mormon that is violated by baptizing people so young into the LDS Church:
"Listen to the word of Christ, your Redeemer, your Lord and your God. Behold, I came into the world not to call the righteous but sinners to repentance; the whole need no physician, but they that are sick; wherefore, little children are whole, for they are not capable of committing sin; wherefore the curse of Adam is taken from them in me, that it hath no power over them; and the law of circumcision is done away in me.
"And after this manner did the Holy Ghost manifest the word of God unto me; wherefore, my beloved son, I know that it is solemn mockery before God, that ye should baptize little children.
"Behold I say unto you that this thing shall ye teach--repentance and baptism unto those who are accountable and capable of committing sin; yea, teach parents that they must repent and be baptized, and humble themselves as their little children, and they shall all be saved with their little children.
"And their little children need no repentance, neither baptism. Behold, baptism is unto repentance to the fulfilling the commandments unto the remission of sins.
"But little children are alive in Christ, even from the foundation of the world; if not so, God is a partial God, and also a changeable God, and a respecter to persons; for how many little children have died without baptism!" (Moroni 8:8-12)
It seems that this passage makes it clear that "little children" do not need baptism at all. It depends on what your interpretation of "little children" means. It could mean any kid too young to get it together. If you are of the age that you can barely give up your toys, you don't know about sex, and you have no clue how the real world works, and your only desire is to have fun and obey your parents, you are innocent. I was innocent at the age of eight. And I was completely too young to adhere to my baptismal covenants.
I think that many parents would see this in their offspring. I think that it takes a long time for someone who is eight years old to yet grow up.
I am surprised at the barracuda-like techniques that the LDS Church uses to maintain high church membership numbers and scare young people so that they will obey LDS authorities when they are older. I think that perhaps this is one sign that the LDS Church may be the wrong church, not the true church at all.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Education is Essential
Well......I am feeling less intense today after a good night's sleep.
I think that it can get rather consuming for me to deal with my new anti-Mormon attitudes.
I also think that where other Ex-Mormons, and Mormons who no longer believe, happen to affiliate themselves is no business of mine. But I am still making sure I don't affiliate with anyone for a year.
I do have to find my own integrity.
I have done some reading on the LDS Church as it functions as a corporation, and how it may actually be an organization in decline:
http://www.utlm.org/onlineresources/riseandfalloftheldschurch.htm
This links to a long article that is up-to-date as of four years ago.
Basically, I had a feeling that the LDS Church was in decline, but nothing to back it up but the fact that the ward I was attending was getting less spiritual and seemed to have less people attending it. Basically, from my point of view, more people than I are actually sick of the organization.
Anyway, I just ordered six books on Amazon so that I could take care of my intellectual curiosity about Mormonism and other topics I am interested in. I have decided I need to educate myself about all of the ideas out there that I am interested in. It will broaden my mind. And by the end of my year of solitude I will have figured out a lot that I am wondering about. And I will be clued in to more issues and more strategies I can take for my life. Basically, I am going to broaden my mind so that my life will not turn into a single serving of unseasoned hash browns.
I think I am already a smart person. I have even been flattered countless times by others praising my intellect or my creativity. The problem is that no matter how smart you are, if you don't keep up your mind and your interests and make sure your lifestyle is healthy, you won't be very happy. And you will get quite bored. And bored people get into a lot of trouble. Bored people find things to do. That is what I found out my freshman year of college.
I think that it can get rather consuming for me to deal with my new anti-Mormon attitudes.
I also think that where other Ex-Mormons, and Mormons who no longer believe, happen to affiliate themselves is no business of mine. But I am still making sure I don't affiliate with anyone for a year.
I do have to find my own integrity.
I have done some reading on the LDS Church as it functions as a corporation, and how it may actually be an organization in decline:
http://www.utlm.org/onlineresources/riseandfalloftheldschurch.htm
This links to a long article that is up-to-date as of four years ago.
Basically, I had a feeling that the LDS Church was in decline, but nothing to back it up but the fact that the ward I was attending was getting less spiritual and seemed to have less people attending it. Basically, from my point of view, more people than I are actually sick of the organization.
Anyway, I just ordered six books on Amazon so that I could take care of my intellectual curiosity about Mormonism and other topics I am interested in. I have decided I need to educate myself about all of the ideas out there that I am interested in. It will broaden my mind. And by the end of my year of solitude I will have figured out a lot that I am wondering about. And I will be clued in to more issues and more strategies I can take for my life. Basically, I am going to broaden my mind so that my life will not turn into a single serving of unseasoned hash browns.
I think I am already a smart person. I have even been flattered countless times by others praising my intellect or my creativity. The problem is that no matter how smart you are, if you don't keep up your mind and your interests and make sure your lifestyle is healthy, you won't be very happy. And you will get quite bored. And bored people get into a lot of trouble. Bored people find things to do. That is what I found out my freshman year of college.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
I Am Myself
I have been reading the results of Google searches. I have run across all sorts of great literature. I have run across some "ex-mormon" type blogs. It appears that there are a group of bloggers who say similar things about why they no longer believe in the LDS Church. It sort of makes me nervous.
I have to say that I can't say all the same things that they say. I think that this blog has a bent to it that is more psychological in tone. I know exactly what all of this over-zealous religious stuff can do to your brain. My brain has tons of information on this one.
I think that maybe I hoped to be read by doing this blog. I am starting to hope to be sincere and actually write about what I want to write about. It can be insanely boring. It can be insanely dangerous.
This blog really is only affiliated with one group--ME.
I think that it is good that I have some communities to explore should I get too lonely. However, I am spending as much time alone as possible. I am actually trying to un-brainwash, not find a different organization or group to put my allegiance to. I think that my reasons, particularly a search for the truth, are really good.
I may post links on this blog from time to time. They are things that I think are good, not things that groups of people think are good.
And it should be noted that I need to blog in order to get myself the therapeutic benefits that I need to emotionally recover from feeling that my life is not my own and fearing going to hell. It is actually a slower process than I thought. It is more complicated. I feel more guilt than I thought I would feel. Because it appears that one thing can actually override and improperly educate my conscience: Years and years of unrelenting and merciless brainwashing.
I know what the Mormon Church does to people. And I will keep talking about it.
I have to say that I can't say all the same things that they say. I think that this blog has a bent to it that is more psychological in tone. I know exactly what all of this over-zealous religious stuff can do to your brain. My brain has tons of information on this one.
I think that maybe I hoped to be read by doing this blog. I am starting to hope to be sincere and actually write about what I want to write about. It can be insanely boring. It can be insanely dangerous.
This blog really is only affiliated with one group--ME.
I think that it is good that I have some communities to explore should I get too lonely. However, I am spending as much time alone as possible. I am actually trying to un-brainwash, not find a different organization or group to put my allegiance to. I think that my reasons, particularly a search for the truth, are really good.
I may post links on this blog from time to time. They are things that I think are good, not things that groups of people think are good.
And it should be noted that I need to blog in order to get myself the therapeutic benefits that I need to emotionally recover from feeling that my life is not my own and fearing going to hell. It is actually a slower process than I thought. It is more complicated. I feel more guilt than I thought I would feel. Because it appears that one thing can actually override and improperly educate my conscience: Years and years of unrelenting and merciless brainwashing.
I know what the Mormon Church does to people. And I will keep talking about it.
Looking Back
I have been reading through the first three entries on this blog. It occurs to me that I have changed my tune. It was easier for me to say that I had good years in my childhood in the LDS Church.
Now, I have gotten in touch with the total negativity of being an active member of this church in my adulthood.
It seems that childhood is such an innocent time. And it seems that being a member of the LDS Church was easier for children, particularly in the seventies and eighties, the decades of my childhood. People are careful with children. And if LDS people are being harder on children now, I am appalled. Childhood is a time of innocence that should have a kind of bliss and a carefree quality. The world is bad enough without over-programming your children.
I really do believe, somehow, that being LDS, for each and every member of the church, even around the whole world, has become much harder. I don't know what has happened, but it just has become harder. Perhaps the LDS Church is farther from the truth than it used to be.
It seems that one would think that the LDS Church never had enough truth, due to the strange doctrines that were openly promoted in the days of Joseph Smith and Brigham Young. But after a while, the doctrines became less bad. Polygamy and the Danites seem to have gone away, particularly after Utah became an actual state in the United States of America. But after a while, the religion started to get worse again. I have seen Mormonism get more coarse and merciless. And I am afraid that certain horrifying doctrines may start to dominate the average LDS Church members mind. I do not believe the LDS Church is a stable organization.
Now, I have gotten in touch with the total negativity of being an active member of this church in my adulthood.
It seems that childhood is such an innocent time. And it seems that being a member of the LDS Church was easier for children, particularly in the seventies and eighties, the decades of my childhood. People are careful with children. And if LDS people are being harder on children now, I am appalled. Childhood is a time of innocence that should have a kind of bliss and a carefree quality. The world is bad enough without over-programming your children.
I really do believe, somehow, that being LDS, for each and every member of the church, even around the whole world, has become much harder. I don't know what has happened, but it just has become harder. Perhaps the LDS Church is farther from the truth than it used to be.
It seems that one would think that the LDS Church never had enough truth, due to the strange doctrines that were openly promoted in the days of Joseph Smith and Brigham Young. But after a while, the doctrines became less bad. Polygamy and the Danites seem to have gone away, particularly after Utah became an actual state in the United States of America. But after a while, the religion started to get worse again. I have seen Mormonism get more coarse and merciless. And I am afraid that certain horrifying doctrines may start to dominate the average LDS Church members mind. I do not believe the LDS Church is a stable organization.
Friday, February 1, 2008
The "Blessing"
I would like to confess something. The day that I decided that the LDS Church could no longer be the true church on earth, I threw away some paper-based handouts I got from church meetings. I had tons of handouts and packets on different doctrines. I didn't pause much when I threw these away.
However, something very important made me pause. I wondered if I should keep my patriarchal blessing. To an LDS person, the patriarchal blessing is a very sacred thing. You are not supposed to tell others what is in your blessing. Generally, you get your blessing as a teenager or young adult. And you have to have one before you serve an LDS mission.
Basically, you go to the stake patriarch so that he can put his hands on your head and give you a large blessing that is supposed to guide you through your individual life. You are given advice to do certain things, keep the commandments, and avoid your personal weaknesses.
I decided that I would get a blessing when I was about 20 years old. I got the blessing one Sunday with my family standing and listening. I loved the experience. It made me feel special.
A tape recorder was on while the blessing was being given. After we left the patriarch's home, the patriarchs wife, acting in a secretarial position, typed up the blessing on official LDS Church paper and had it delivered to my home.
When I got the blessing, I was excited. This was just for me!
There were a few catches, however. I didn't understand my blessing. Some aspects of it made little sense. It seemed like gibberish at first. What did it have to do with my life? There was even a sentence in it that made no sense to me whatsoever. It basically told me that there was nothing in the next life for me but to learn of my Savior Jesus Christ. This sentence made no sense since I believed that there would be many things for me to do in the Afterlife. Sure, I would rest. And I would also have a purpose after death. What I had to do didn't matter. It was the idea that there was more to do than what my blessing suggested. I kept reading the sentence over and over again, wondering if there was a hidden meaning. One member had said that a sentence appeared on her blessing one day that hadn't been there before. It made everything make sense to her. I figured that this might happen to me someday. But in all of the experiences that tried my faith, whenever I looked at my copy of my blessing, I saw nothing but the original sentence. I decided to ignore it. Maybe it was a typo! Maybe it didn't matter! There was good advice in the rest of my blessing. It would be okay.
Well, the blessing also told me that marriage was my most important accomplishment. And it told me to enter into all of the ordinances of the gospel and keep all of the commandments. So, basically it told me that I couldn't go the easy way of just keeping those commandments I had the strength and knowledge to keep. It told me I had to keep all of them. While this seemed like a nice ideal, it was too stressful. I don't think I ever accomplished it. And for an LDS person, getting all of the "ordinances of the gospel" included going to the temple endowment ceremonies. I could never feel right in my heart about the temple endowment ceremonies.
And then there was the marriage part. Nobody ever asked them to marry me. And I had had no good long-term relationships with any male member of the LDS Church. Only a member can marry a member in the temple. And I became increasingly unattracted to the men who were going so far as to get their temple endowments. I had only really fallen in love with a young man who was kind of rebellious. He seemed more sexy than the "faithful" LDS men.
I think I know what was going on now. It was impossible for me to follow what even the stake patriarch said was best for me. I couldn't even follow my own blessing. And as time went on, it failed me in other ways.
At one point, I began to suffer from a nervous breakdown. I believed that I had to pray to know what God wanted me to do everyday of my life. I would pray to God for each little task. I got this idea from the General Authorities of the LDS Church. They said that we were to turn our lives over to God. I even prayed about whether or not I was supposed to put a belt on my pants. Sometimes, I think I really did get answers. But often, I thought God was telling me to not do something that I really wanted to do. Or I thought God told me not to put a belt on, even though my pants were baggy. I thought I was getting direction from God, but I was getting more stress than direction. I was often exhausted, wondering why God had taken my more relaxing and pleasant activities away.
At one point, I thought I was getting revelation whenever I read my scriptures. I thought that God had a message for me in every scriptural chapter. I would ask God to point me to the verses that were for me. I got more and more religiously bent. I thought God told me to do more things that were hard for me, like attending church and keeping the Sabbath Day holy. I just couldn't win.
My patriarchal blessing did not help. It told me that God would tell me, as I read the scriptures, what my purpose in life was. Currently, I find that idea very fishy. Wasn't my patriarchal blessing supposed to tell me that? Wasn't I already told that marriage and helping others and getting all the ordinances was what I was supposed to do? There was more? And then there was nothing that the patriarch saw in the eternities but to learn of Jesus Christ? But how much was there actually to learn about Jesus Christ? Why was I being denied? And my blessing told me to pray to God. It didn't advise me about prayers that got strange answers. It just told me to pray.
Why, when I began to get more mentally well, did I drop the habit of asking God which scriptural verse was written just for me? It seemed that my patriarchal blessing made me go further down an irrational path. It seemed that I was being told to be even more overzealous and even make a fool of myself and waste my money. Everything was going downhill. I didn't have anything left.
I really actually did not have much left. My life felt like one big restriction. Everything was withheld from me. I was "told" to do things that even began to ruin my family relationships. And I happen to be close to my family members. And it would destroy me if I was estranged from all of them. And yet, even that was being taken away from me.
After a hospitalization and medication, I began to discard the habit of praying for absolutely everything. Besides, whenever I back slid and started back in that ridiculous habit, I would again get bizarre results.
I think that when I had the habit of praying about every little thing, I actually answered myself. And I don't want to know what evil force may have answered my prayers. It was that bizarre and miserable.
Well, my blessing told me to do all I could to "serve." That often means, in the LDS Church, that you faithfully serve the church. I thought it meant I was supposed to help people. But, after a while, I found myself tied up in the idiocy of some of the LDS Church's service projects. Some of them seemed like busy work. A lot of it seemed to actually help people. But if I got too far into the service, I hit pressure to be more religiously zealous. I won't mention people or organizations, but some of the people most involved in the LDS Church would actively test the success and faith of those working by their sides. It wasn't enough to help someone. You had to prove you were righteous. I started to get a lot of trouble with this. At times it caused me great rage. It didn't seem to be enough to be kind to your friends or make sure someone you were worried about was okay. I liked to help my friends. And I am afraid, that through some twist of logic, other members thought this was insignificant. You had to change the whole world and make everyone think like you. But I found more satisfaction and comfort in helping my friends.
And then there is the part of the blessing that said I was of the house of Ephraim. I actually do not believe this. I do not look like other members of the LDS Church who think they are. I believe that the Houses of Israel really are found among certain people on Earth. However, Joseph Smith seemed to be obsessed with the Houses of Israel. He believed that if you are not of any of the Houses of Israel you must be adopted into the House of Ephraim in order to be one of the chosen people of God and get salvation. I now find it an insult to focus so much on genealogy. It is racist. I happen to personally believe that I am a member of a different House of Israel based on the things I have read in the book of Genesis.
In the end, I have decided that my blessing was more of a curse; the sentence that didn't make sense could be part of the making of a curse. My "blessing" limited me instead of freeing me. It was not right. That is why I threw it in the garbage. I didn't reread it at all. I just threw it away.
It was all untrue.
However, something very important made me pause. I wondered if I should keep my patriarchal blessing. To an LDS person, the patriarchal blessing is a very sacred thing. You are not supposed to tell others what is in your blessing. Generally, you get your blessing as a teenager or young adult. And you have to have one before you serve an LDS mission.
Basically, you go to the stake patriarch so that he can put his hands on your head and give you a large blessing that is supposed to guide you through your individual life. You are given advice to do certain things, keep the commandments, and avoid your personal weaknesses.
I decided that I would get a blessing when I was about 20 years old. I got the blessing one Sunday with my family standing and listening. I loved the experience. It made me feel special.
A tape recorder was on while the blessing was being given. After we left the patriarch's home, the patriarchs wife, acting in a secretarial position, typed up the blessing on official LDS Church paper and had it delivered to my home.
When I got the blessing, I was excited. This was just for me!
There were a few catches, however. I didn't understand my blessing. Some aspects of it made little sense. It seemed like gibberish at first. What did it have to do with my life? There was even a sentence in it that made no sense to me whatsoever. It basically told me that there was nothing in the next life for me but to learn of my Savior Jesus Christ. This sentence made no sense since I believed that there would be many things for me to do in the Afterlife. Sure, I would rest. And I would also have a purpose after death. What I had to do didn't matter. It was the idea that there was more to do than what my blessing suggested. I kept reading the sentence over and over again, wondering if there was a hidden meaning. One member had said that a sentence appeared on her blessing one day that hadn't been there before. It made everything make sense to her. I figured that this might happen to me someday. But in all of the experiences that tried my faith, whenever I looked at my copy of my blessing, I saw nothing but the original sentence. I decided to ignore it. Maybe it was a typo! Maybe it didn't matter! There was good advice in the rest of my blessing. It would be okay.
Well, the blessing also told me that marriage was my most important accomplishment. And it told me to enter into all of the ordinances of the gospel and keep all of the commandments. So, basically it told me that I couldn't go the easy way of just keeping those commandments I had the strength and knowledge to keep. It told me I had to keep all of them. While this seemed like a nice ideal, it was too stressful. I don't think I ever accomplished it. And for an LDS person, getting all of the "ordinances of the gospel" included going to the temple endowment ceremonies. I could never feel right in my heart about the temple endowment ceremonies.
And then there was the marriage part. Nobody ever asked them to marry me. And I had had no good long-term relationships with any male member of the LDS Church. Only a member can marry a member in the temple. And I became increasingly unattracted to the men who were going so far as to get their temple endowments. I had only really fallen in love with a young man who was kind of rebellious. He seemed more sexy than the "faithful" LDS men.
I think I know what was going on now. It was impossible for me to follow what even the stake patriarch said was best for me. I couldn't even follow my own blessing. And as time went on, it failed me in other ways.
At one point, I began to suffer from a nervous breakdown. I believed that I had to pray to know what God wanted me to do everyday of my life. I would pray to God for each little task. I got this idea from the General Authorities of the LDS Church. They said that we were to turn our lives over to God. I even prayed about whether or not I was supposed to put a belt on my pants. Sometimes, I think I really did get answers. But often, I thought God was telling me to not do something that I really wanted to do. Or I thought God told me not to put a belt on, even though my pants were baggy. I thought I was getting direction from God, but I was getting more stress than direction. I was often exhausted, wondering why God had taken my more relaxing and pleasant activities away.
At one point, I thought I was getting revelation whenever I read my scriptures. I thought that God had a message for me in every scriptural chapter. I would ask God to point me to the verses that were for me. I got more and more religiously bent. I thought God told me to do more things that were hard for me, like attending church and keeping the Sabbath Day holy. I just couldn't win.
My patriarchal blessing did not help. It told me that God would tell me, as I read the scriptures, what my purpose in life was. Currently, I find that idea very fishy. Wasn't my patriarchal blessing supposed to tell me that? Wasn't I already told that marriage and helping others and getting all the ordinances was what I was supposed to do? There was more? And then there was nothing that the patriarch saw in the eternities but to learn of Jesus Christ? But how much was there actually to learn about Jesus Christ? Why was I being denied? And my blessing told me to pray to God. It didn't advise me about prayers that got strange answers. It just told me to pray.
Why, when I began to get more mentally well, did I drop the habit of asking God which scriptural verse was written just for me? It seemed that my patriarchal blessing made me go further down an irrational path. It seemed that I was being told to be even more overzealous and even make a fool of myself and waste my money. Everything was going downhill. I didn't have anything left.
I really actually did not have much left. My life felt like one big restriction. Everything was withheld from me. I was "told" to do things that even began to ruin my family relationships. And I happen to be close to my family members. And it would destroy me if I was estranged from all of them. And yet, even that was being taken away from me.
After a hospitalization and medication, I began to discard the habit of praying for absolutely everything. Besides, whenever I back slid and started back in that ridiculous habit, I would again get bizarre results.
I think that when I had the habit of praying about every little thing, I actually answered myself. And I don't want to know what evil force may have answered my prayers. It was that bizarre and miserable.
Well, my blessing told me to do all I could to "serve." That often means, in the LDS Church, that you faithfully serve the church. I thought it meant I was supposed to help people. But, after a while, I found myself tied up in the idiocy of some of the LDS Church's service projects. Some of them seemed like busy work. A lot of it seemed to actually help people. But if I got too far into the service, I hit pressure to be more religiously zealous. I won't mention people or organizations, but some of the people most involved in the LDS Church would actively test the success and faith of those working by their sides. It wasn't enough to help someone. You had to prove you were righteous. I started to get a lot of trouble with this. At times it caused me great rage. It didn't seem to be enough to be kind to your friends or make sure someone you were worried about was okay. I liked to help my friends. And I am afraid, that through some twist of logic, other members thought this was insignificant. You had to change the whole world and make everyone think like you. But I found more satisfaction and comfort in helping my friends.
And then there is the part of the blessing that said I was of the house of Ephraim. I actually do not believe this. I do not look like other members of the LDS Church who think they are. I believe that the Houses of Israel really are found among certain people on Earth. However, Joseph Smith seemed to be obsessed with the Houses of Israel. He believed that if you are not of any of the Houses of Israel you must be adopted into the House of Ephraim in order to be one of the chosen people of God and get salvation. I now find it an insult to focus so much on genealogy. It is racist. I happen to personally believe that I am a member of a different House of Israel based on the things I have read in the book of Genesis.
In the end, I have decided that my blessing was more of a curse; the sentence that didn't make sense could be part of the making of a curse. My "blessing" limited me instead of freeing me. It was not right. That is why I threw it in the garbage. I didn't reread it at all. I just threw it away.
It was all untrue.
Fear or Love?
Well, after all of the horror of being LDS, I truly lost the ability to take it anymore. And they were unsympathetic about my fears. I was supposed to conquer them all, otherwise, I wasn't righteous.
But 1 John 4:18 had a different message. It says, "There is no fear in love." We were taught to love our leaders and the scriptures. And we were taught to fear our leaders and fear what would happen if we didn't follow them. And the love and fear were incompatible. I noticed that I did not care about the late-LDS prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley one bit. And I didn't like his words to us at General Conference. It just did not seem right at all when I heard him speak. I was supposed to fear what would happen if I didn't follow his advice, or the advice of the Twelve Apostles under him. In the end, I ended up brushing it aside. I didn't fear what would happen to me. I wasn't convinced he ever spoke more than shallow flattery.
It was others that I feared, and they first impressed me, and later, they baffled me. After a while, I had less fear, and I had no love for them. These were the people who caused me fear? And without the fear, I was unimpressed. There was no love. It was all a brainwashed spell. And the fear their words caused me started to recede. No love. No admiration. No concern for my eternal soul. The leaders became clueless spewers of PR.
It is true that there is no fear in love. There was no love. It did not cast out my fear. I started to cast it out as I started to doubt and become more and more inactive in the Mormon Church.
And it was true, as it says it 1 John 4:18 that "fear hath torment." If there was real love in all the words and advice and overzealousness of the LDS Church, it would have soothed me and helped me with my fears about life. Instead, it created fears. And the torment, the shame, the anxiety, the lack of self-esteem, the tiredness of body and mind, that was the torment. I actually supposed that I deserved it at certain times. More torment.
"He that feareth is not made perfect in love." These words described me. They tell me that I was not being surrounded by the pure love of Christ. True charity was often not bestowed upon my soul. When I decided to give myself a break, I started teaching myself charity. Whenever anyone sincerely told me that I didn't need to be perfect, I experienced charity. I experienced true relief. I experienced the true love that exudes from the truest form of Christianity. I had opportunities to show myself that love and others had opportunities as well.
The love I was shown was not from the organization of the LDS Church. It was from seemingly ordinary, sometimes brilliant, sometimes incredibly unremarkable reminders to stop being hard on myself. Being hard on myself is one of the things I strive to leave behind as I leave behind the cult-like anxieties of being actively LDS. If a thought that I must finish everything perfectly or despair comes into my head, I have the opportunity to say, "Hey, it's fine. What I did is significant and useful. I can stop and rest. My muscles are sore anyway."
I now have to fuel myself and have enough strength to do everyday things and continue projects. Otherwise, it is too much and I need to stop. I only burn all the fuel I have when something is at unusually high stakes. It used to be that everyday was high stakes. Now it is time to let my adrenal glands recover. Everyday is a chance to wake up and act alive. Acting alive does not have to equate with burning myself out.
Matthew 11:28-30 now has more meaning to me:
"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
"For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
A Gospel of compassion is so much easier than a theology of fear. And it teaches so much more about how we treat ourselves and others. I fear that if I ever go back to such a strict religious practice, I will be in danger of treating others so that they learn fear and not love. That is not my goal. And right now, figuring out what I really believe and how to keep myself out of a state of depletion is my goal. I start with myself if I am to change the world around me.
But 1 John 4:18 had a different message. It says, "There is no fear in love." We were taught to love our leaders and the scriptures. And we were taught to fear our leaders and fear what would happen if we didn't follow them. And the love and fear were incompatible. I noticed that I did not care about the late-LDS prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley one bit. And I didn't like his words to us at General Conference. It just did not seem right at all when I heard him speak. I was supposed to fear what would happen if I didn't follow his advice, or the advice of the Twelve Apostles under him. In the end, I ended up brushing it aside. I didn't fear what would happen to me. I wasn't convinced he ever spoke more than shallow flattery.
It was others that I feared, and they first impressed me, and later, they baffled me. After a while, I had less fear, and I had no love for them. These were the people who caused me fear? And without the fear, I was unimpressed. There was no love. It was all a brainwashed spell. And the fear their words caused me started to recede. No love. No admiration. No concern for my eternal soul. The leaders became clueless spewers of PR.
It is true that there is no fear in love. There was no love. It did not cast out my fear. I started to cast it out as I started to doubt and become more and more inactive in the Mormon Church.
And it was true, as it says it 1 John 4:18 that "fear hath torment." If there was real love in all the words and advice and overzealousness of the LDS Church, it would have soothed me and helped me with my fears about life. Instead, it created fears. And the torment, the shame, the anxiety, the lack of self-esteem, the tiredness of body and mind, that was the torment. I actually supposed that I deserved it at certain times. More torment.
"He that feareth is not made perfect in love." These words described me. They tell me that I was not being surrounded by the pure love of Christ. True charity was often not bestowed upon my soul. When I decided to give myself a break, I started teaching myself charity. Whenever anyone sincerely told me that I didn't need to be perfect, I experienced charity. I experienced true relief. I experienced the true love that exudes from the truest form of Christianity. I had opportunities to show myself that love and others had opportunities as well.
The love I was shown was not from the organization of the LDS Church. It was from seemingly ordinary, sometimes brilliant, sometimes incredibly unremarkable reminders to stop being hard on myself. Being hard on myself is one of the things I strive to leave behind as I leave behind the cult-like anxieties of being actively LDS. If a thought that I must finish everything perfectly or despair comes into my head, I have the opportunity to say, "Hey, it's fine. What I did is significant and useful. I can stop and rest. My muscles are sore anyway."
I now have to fuel myself and have enough strength to do everyday things and continue projects. Otherwise, it is too much and I need to stop. I only burn all the fuel I have when something is at unusually high stakes. It used to be that everyday was high stakes. Now it is time to let my adrenal glands recover. Everyday is a chance to wake up and act alive. Acting alive does not have to equate with burning myself out.
Matthew 11:28-30 now has more meaning to me:
"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
"For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
A Gospel of compassion is so much easier than a theology of fear. And it teaches so much more about how we treat ourselves and others. I fear that if I ever go back to such a strict religious practice, I will be in danger of treating others so that they learn fear and not love. That is not my goal. And right now, figuring out what I really believe and how to keep myself out of a state of depletion is my goal. I start with myself if I am to change the world around me.
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