So, I go completely insane. And going to church turns out to be a major factor ratcheting up the insanity. After the hospitalization, I decide that I am going to go back to church. However, each time I go, it is so unpleasant that I can barely go at all, maybe once every two to three months? Well, the last church visit was March 2007. It was really, really pathetic. I could tell that everyone was either cursed, brainwashed, or depressed. There is no spirituality. All that is good about it is that I realize I grew up with all the more elderly people in the congregation. I decide I have a love for them. That's all. Basically, throughout 2006 and 2007, every time I go to church my mental health symptoms get worse. My medication wasn't at the right dosage yet, and every time I attend church, except for the last March visit, I get symptoms that indicate that I'm starting to hallucinate again.
Church was a trigger for insanity?
One thing that I grew up with and agreed with told me that I had to keep going to church even if it was a miserable experience. I was told, along with a lot of other members, that the LDS Church was perfect, but the people in it were not. I swallowed this whole. Most people took this idea to mean that if someone at church offended you, you were supposed to keep going anyway, because the Church was perfect. This was all part of the brainwashing. It wasn't that there was nothing brilliant about the way the LDS Church was run. It was that there were a lot of problems that people constantly turned their backs on. The content of a Sunday School lesson was lame and banal. A Relief Society lesson seemed filled with lies. A bishop gave someone brutally rude and untrue advice. Someone killed himself because he was gay. These problems were glaring, but often ignored.
I believed that the Church was perfect. I would talk about how we, as LDS people, had the truth, to my friends who were LDS. I was supposed to be really righteous and spiritual because I liked the LDS Church. But what surprised me was the fact that not everyone responded with glee to these speeches. Some people seemed floored, as in shocked. They seemed downright shocked. Maybe the speeches made them feel guilty? Maybe some people were cultural Mormons who didn't believe everything they heard in the walls of the church building? Maybe some people hated the Book of Mormon? I loved the Book of Mormon for a long time. Surely I would rub some people the wrong way!
And then there was the idea that people would get offended and not attend again. Every six months, in General Conference, LDS people get to hear how they are supposed to live. They hear speeches from the General Authorities on different LDS topics. The General Authorities were fond of saying that if you are offended by someone, that is no reason to stop attending. Basically, if you are offended, that is your problem. But, after about the age of 25, I started to get offended by many things. First I noticed that the speakers in sacrament meeting often used bad grammar. But after that age of thirty, I started hearing things come out of people's mouths that sounded wrong. They didn't sound like Church doctrine. A lot of things weren't Church doctrine. But some of the things that sounded wrong really were Church doctrine. I realized that a lot of people were parroting a lot of untrue things in church. One person would say something. Then another person would say it, too.
And then I started to notice, about five years ago, that some of the things they said in church weren't just wrong or untrue, they were mean, hateful things. They said mean things about people grieving the death of a loved one. They said means things about the mentally ill. They said mean things about people who didn't give their all. They said mean things about lazy people. And the meanness didn't abate. It got worse and worse. It got so that everyone sounded either shallow or completely stupid.
I had been offended over and over and over again. I began to realize that something was wrong with a certain percentage of people in the LDS Church. They were mean. They were shallow. They were uneducated. They were close-minded. They didn't travel. They only associated with immediate and extended family members. They were overworked and didn't take time to nurture their friendships, including with me. The people's focuses in life began to be offensive. I would develop feelings of jealousy when a group of people decided they were going to the temple. Some people would talk about going to the temple in front of me just because I was beginning to hate the idea and refused to have my temple recommend renewed. I had uncovered a pattern of feelings of unworthiness whenever I thought about renewing it. They thought I had done something wrong. I was unknowingly dissing the temple because I thought something was wrong with it. And I kept thinking of reasons I couldn't go, mostly because I was never, ever worthy enough to go. I hadn't done any of the horrible things they thought I had, though. Mostly, my evil was an imagined entity. Even if I was becoming evil, I was never worried about any evil that actually really existed in my person. It was all overly imaginative anxiety. It was based on the LDS Church's definition of evil, not a practical encounter of truly bad habits or attitudes.
In the end, I couldn't fit in. Everyone else was getting on with their lives. And I was left worrying futilely about my own salvation. I just couldn't get it together. And time was passing! I was over thirty! And I still hadn't gone to the temple to get my endowments!
But this idea of unworthiness started to dissolve. And it turned to a disgust for the things talked about in church. And I began to admit I didn't like LDS men, which was horrible for me, because I thought I was supposed to marry one of them.
After a while, I admitted to myself that I didn't even like LDS people as a whole, especially while they were busy trying to be LDS, which was basically in every spare minute that they had. While I do not think that I truly hate all LDS people, I have a suspicion of them and what is on their minds. After all, I was one of them. I think I have a few LDS friends left. I'm just not making the effort to contact them until I am more right with myself and my position in regards to the LDS religion. I am not interested in insincere conversations about being LDS or liking being LDS. About a month ago, I finished unloading a boat load of anger, and I am still kind of bitter and frightened.
And when you think about what it really means when they say that the LDS Church is perfect but the people are not, I am stuck in a logical quandary. For what else is a church, but a group of people getting together to worship in a particular way? For if the LDS people are not perfect, including the top leaders, the LDS Church cannot be perfect at all. A church is a group of people. If a group of people is imperfect, then a church they form will be imperfect as well. This could probably apply to any church on earth! Basically, my brainwashing is undone. The LDS Church is indeed imperfect.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
Totally Insane
No one taught me what to do next because there was no next. That was supposed to be life. It was supposed to save my life. Instead, it nearly buried me.
When I speak of hearing voices, I speak of a few events only. The voice that said, "Save yourself," I experienced in 2005. At that point, my religion had taught me that I would find personal fulfillment and eternal salvation by helping others. Charity was one of the traits that defined a pure, virtuous person going to the Celestial Kingdom, or highest heaven. If we did what the Church told us, we would learn charity and sacrifice. Apparently, sacrifice was often taught, along with strict obedience to Mormon leaders.
There were only a few very, very big problems with this line of thinking. First of all, the service projects that I participated in while inside the LDS Church were not service projects of my own choosing. Often, a whole bunch of people would come to work on a project for a few hours, often on a Saturday. Then we would go home and have nothing to do with the project again. We never, as individuals, chose what we would like to do to serve someone. The Church, however, would often recommend projects that were in its interest. Or a compassionate service leader would suggest a project. It seemed that a lot of pure, personal service was diluted by ordered or recommended service. And often, lots of people would be in on one project, contributing miniscule amounts of labor to a large scheme. Again, the notion of individually chosen projects that did not rely on the Church often failed or wilted. There simply wasn't time to do anything outside of the Church's program. As a result, I often felt disconnected from the goodness of service. I did not like it.
Second, I was in massive trouble in my own life. I continued to try to attend church meetings, only to realize that I could not stand them much at all. If I actually made it to church one Sunday, I could end up feeling worse afterward. I often did not even notice this. Also, I was going more and more insane. I got delusional and thought a number of crazy things. I began to limit my activities based on "answers" to prayers that were often paranoid and illogical. I was going insane. And after I heard the voice telling me to save myself, I really literal got more and more in need of some literal kind of saving. I was getting less and less healthy. And my addiction to a prescription drug was starting to waste away my mind and body. I had symptoms of schizophrenia and autism that started to appear out of nowhere. I had super-sensititve hearing and overall muscle weakness. I didn't eat enough food. I had an eating disorder and often thought about losing weight. I was often depressed. When I tried to exercise, it would only deplete me. And I had symptoms indicating that I was developing diabetes. I had some very scary episodes of high and low blood sugar. Some of this was caused by undertreatment of mental and physical issues. Some of it was caused by the prescription drug to which I was addicted.
So far, the LDS Church had not saved me one whit. And I was going to go do something for someone through that church? Was I insane? At this point, I know that I was under a very strong illusion that refused to fade due to years of religious brainwashing. But I was being shown, by the whole Universe (I am sure this includes God) that I was destroying myself. How could I offer help to others in my insanity and ill-health? How could I serve the monster sapping me of my life force? It was beginning to be blasphemous to all of reality. I was being socked in the jaw by reality, and I could not even stop to acknowledge it. Though when I heard the voice saying two simple words--"Save yourself," I had to start thinking. What was it that I was supposed to do to help myself? For the first time, helping myself started to seem bigger than the LDS Church. For the first time, sense started to break through. I was being shown the higher way out of my mess. I didn't realize it was the higher way, but I began to act as if it had more importance than any institution. Even though I ran into lots and lots of bad advice, I began to learn how to sift through it. I started to learn to recognize the real Truth, not the truth taught to me as LDS dogma.
Despite the fact that I started acting like I wanted to help myself, I deteriorated further and further into insane delusions, and probably began hallucinating at a point that I didn't even realize. I ended up in the hospital the next year, where I got the medication that I continue to take to this day. One of the nurses said that the schizophrenic symptoms I had came on in an unusually late onset. It was not that common for such symptoms to show up in a person's 30's. At this point, I agree and disagree. I do think that persons showing mild signs of delusions can get worse and worse through life and go crazy at a later age. I also think that the way I was living my life could only make me insane. I did, I realized later, show slight signs of being delusional. And yes, my life had driven me crazy. No one in the mental health system gave me proper diagnosis and treatment. In fact, some of the mental health practitioners showed a desire to destroy me rather then make me more healthy. And the LDS Church did not help at all. As I got more and more isolated, the LDS Church did me less and less good. I now understand that bad religions only make their followers completely insane.
It is okay to be a little unrealistic with kooky ideas. But I far surpassed this state in 2006. I really, truly became insane on a level I had never associated with my personality. I knew myself as unrealistic, but also as possessing a kind of common sense. But for a while, the common sense I possessed completely disappeared. It didn't appear again until the year 2007. For, even while I had a good medication to treat my symptoms, it took a while for my symptoms to go down enough that I wasn't constantly battling delusions.
Again, a big pseudo THANKS A LOT.
When I speak of hearing voices, I speak of a few events only. The voice that said, "Save yourself," I experienced in 2005. At that point, my religion had taught me that I would find personal fulfillment and eternal salvation by helping others. Charity was one of the traits that defined a pure, virtuous person going to the Celestial Kingdom, or highest heaven. If we did what the Church told us, we would learn charity and sacrifice. Apparently, sacrifice was often taught, along with strict obedience to Mormon leaders.
There were only a few very, very big problems with this line of thinking. First of all, the service projects that I participated in while inside the LDS Church were not service projects of my own choosing. Often, a whole bunch of people would come to work on a project for a few hours, often on a Saturday. Then we would go home and have nothing to do with the project again. We never, as individuals, chose what we would like to do to serve someone. The Church, however, would often recommend projects that were in its interest. Or a compassionate service leader would suggest a project. It seemed that a lot of pure, personal service was diluted by ordered or recommended service. And often, lots of people would be in on one project, contributing miniscule amounts of labor to a large scheme. Again, the notion of individually chosen projects that did not rely on the Church often failed or wilted. There simply wasn't time to do anything outside of the Church's program. As a result, I often felt disconnected from the goodness of service. I did not like it.
Second, I was in massive trouble in my own life. I continued to try to attend church meetings, only to realize that I could not stand them much at all. If I actually made it to church one Sunday, I could end up feeling worse afterward. I often did not even notice this. Also, I was going more and more insane. I got delusional and thought a number of crazy things. I began to limit my activities based on "answers" to prayers that were often paranoid and illogical. I was going insane. And after I heard the voice telling me to save myself, I really literal got more and more in need of some literal kind of saving. I was getting less and less healthy. And my addiction to a prescription drug was starting to waste away my mind and body. I had symptoms of schizophrenia and autism that started to appear out of nowhere. I had super-sensititve hearing and overall muscle weakness. I didn't eat enough food. I had an eating disorder and often thought about losing weight. I was often depressed. When I tried to exercise, it would only deplete me. And I had symptoms indicating that I was developing diabetes. I had some very scary episodes of high and low blood sugar. Some of this was caused by undertreatment of mental and physical issues. Some of it was caused by the prescription drug to which I was addicted.
So far, the LDS Church had not saved me one whit. And I was going to go do something for someone through that church? Was I insane? At this point, I know that I was under a very strong illusion that refused to fade due to years of religious brainwashing. But I was being shown, by the whole Universe (I am sure this includes God) that I was destroying myself. How could I offer help to others in my insanity and ill-health? How could I serve the monster sapping me of my life force? It was beginning to be blasphemous to all of reality. I was being socked in the jaw by reality, and I could not even stop to acknowledge it. Though when I heard the voice saying two simple words--"Save yourself," I had to start thinking. What was it that I was supposed to do to help myself? For the first time, helping myself started to seem bigger than the LDS Church. For the first time, sense started to break through. I was being shown the higher way out of my mess. I didn't realize it was the higher way, but I began to act as if it had more importance than any institution. Even though I ran into lots and lots of bad advice, I began to learn how to sift through it. I started to learn to recognize the real Truth, not the truth taught to me as LDS dogma.
Despite the fact that I started acting like I wanted to help myself, I deteriorated further and further into insane delusions, and probably began hallucinating at a point that I didn't even realize. I ended up in the hospital the next year, where I got the medication that I continue to take to this day. One of the nurses said that the schizophrenic symptoms I had came on in an unusually late onset. It was not that common for such symptoms to show up in a person's 30's. At this point, I agree and disagree. I do think that persons showing mild signs of delusions can get worse and worse through life and go crazy at a later age. I also think that the way I was living my life could only make me insane. I did, I realized later, show slight signs of being delusional. And yes, my life had driven me crazy. No one in the mental health system gave me proper diagnosis and treatment. In fact, some of the mental health practitioners showed a desire to destroy me rather then make me more healthy. And the LDS Church did not help at all. As I got more and more isolated, the LDS Church did me less and less good. I now understand that bad religions only make their followers completely insane.
It is okay to be a little unrealistic with kooky ideas. But I far surpassed this state in 2006. I really, truly became insane on a level I had never associated with my personality. I knew myself as unrealistic, but also as possessing a kind of common sense. But for a while, the common sense I possessed completely disappeared. It didn't appear again until the year 2007. For, even while I had a good medication to treat my symptoms, it took a while for my symptoms to go down enough that I wasn't constantly battling delusions.
Again, a big pseudo THANKS A LOT.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Heresies
There are heresies that I am sick of believing. I am very, very sick of believing them. Whenever I get in touch with these personal heresies, I become ill, or have a desire to suddenly argue all day long about why they are so horrible.
1. Mormons are Christians. While I cannot completely argue away this idea, I hate it. Why? Because Mormonism distorts Christianity. Mormonism fractures Christianity and then regrows its limbs in hideous, twisted shapes. Mormons are told to have charity by the Book of Mormon, but Mormon leaders have little charity for those with troubled minds and consciences. Why do I know this? I have talked to plenty of bishops who only seem able to give hackneyed or insensitive advice and then banish me from the office with the idea that they are too busy to have any time with me. I am also appalled by the way Mormons portray the traits of God and Jesus Christ. And I am appalled at the magical way Mormons have of looking at the atonement.
2. Satan and Jesus Christ were brothers in the pre-existence. This is a really, really bad one. Why would something as evil as Satan be produced by the same father as something as good as Jesus Christ. Mormons do not appreciate Jesus Christ's power to save, and they do not appreciate the full evil of a figure like Satan. In fact, as far as I know, Satan was birthed by something that was not god. Perhaps something evil? I realized this when I read a verse in Revelations about where Satan came from and who he really is.
3. The atonement of Jesus Christ will fix everything if we have faith. What? Many Mormons believe that the atonement of Jesus Christ will fix their lives right now. I call this a kind of magical thinking. Mormons don't just believe that repentance will help people now. They don't just believe the atonement of Jesus Christ is what is needed to gain salvation in the next life. They actually believe that it will fix your life now. How this could be I could never figure out. It was never explained well to me. But it does smack of magical thinking.
4. Even though Jesus Christ died for our sins we will be rewarded for our works. If we do too many wrong things and not enough of the right ones, our souls will not be saved. Basically, Mormons believe you have to do a number of things to get salvation. They don't believe people in a sinful state can be saved. They think that you have to repent of everything that would keep you out of the highest degree of heaven. And they don't believe in death bed repentance either. Basically, Mormons have put many of the peoples of the world in a rough spot. I do not believe that Jesus Christ would leave someone who has managed to neglect repenting of a few small sins in a horrible place like spirit prison, but this is what Mormons believe. And then they believe there is no chance for repentance or changing in the Afterlife. I do not think that Mormons believe in being saved by grace. But why would a loving soul like Jesus Christ make it possible for everyone to be ressurrected, but then neglect to show imperfect people how they can be saved? So many people die imperfect. I do not believe there is one truly perfect person on earth, no matter how that person may be worshipped by his/her peers. Basically, I believe that Jesus is merciful to those who try to be good, no matter how they fail in each individual work. The whole right/wrong dichotomy tests the best of us. Don't you think that someone who atoned for your sins would save you in the next life rather than letting you be condemned to hell for an eternity for a tiny thing? The Pharisees strained at a gnat. I guess Mormons do, too.
5. You must go through a temple of God on earth and obey the prophet and all of the priesthood holders above you or you won't get to the highest degree of heaven. Wait a minute! Why would ten priesthood holders above me be able to keep me out of heaven if God could snatch me out of hell and put me in heaven? God is more powerful than any prophet or priesthood holder. After all, all they happen to be is men who got ordained by other men to what Mormons call the priesthood. Even if there was a true prophet on earth, he wouldn't be able to keep me out of heaven just because he didn't like my hairstyle, how many earrings I wear, and my health habits. Yet, this is how Mormons think. You can't take a sip of wine ever. You can't wear anything improper like flip-flops to church. On and on and on and on. I think that the "prophets" I've heard speak lately don't have much to say. And what do I think of the temple? Not much. No loving God would rely on something so disturbing.
Basically, I am sick of a lot of things about Mormonism. The last post on a message board that I made about any Mormon doctrine made me really, really mad. I think I am still very angry. I can't get that stuff out of my system. It seems like I am going to be obsessed with it forever. I am not getting it out of my system very fast. I am in touch with a kind of blinding anger that makes no sense. It is because none of this stuff that I was taught when I was growing up makes any sense.
It was all arbitrary. I kept getting new doctrines from Mormon Church leaders. It never ended. I kept finding out ways that I wasn't doing right. It never ended. I was on a hamster wheel, and I was told that it would bring me happiness. Actually, no happiness happened as I treaded the wheel, and I did notice that it took me nowhere. Actually, I got more and more backwards with time. I appeared to be moving backwards, not forwards. I got less and less mentally competent, less and less hopeful. I didn't seem to be able to get it right. I still can't get it right. But I appear to have moved forward instead of backward. I have decided that I, not the LDS Church, am accountable for my choices.
I feel really horrible today. I am rather tired. How am I supposed to keep going on some sort of fake journey? I don't really feel where I am going at all. I think that I am being fake with myself about what my direction in life should be. I have ideas to do things, but it doesn't ring true. I feel fatigue instead of energy. Something is very, very wrong. I might crawl back into bed and do some brainstorming and resting there. Nothing is taking right. It seems all wrong. I am not doing well at all. I have a lot of anger and confusion to deal with. How dare they derail my life so far that I wouldn't know what I wanted if it hit me in the face? It's not right! I'm in my 30's and I'm still trying to find myself?
Thanks a lot Mormon Church for hiding me from myself! Thanks a lot for telling me that I am wrong! Thanks a lot for hiding truth from everyone so that the whole world can be even more messed up than it is! Thanks a lot for letting me crash so badly that my body and mind aren't up to speed enough for me to move out of the traps in my life fast enough! Thanks a lot for turning me into a vegetable and then condemning me for becoming a living person! Thanks so much! Thanks a lot! Thanks a lot!
Go to hell!
I know that this is how I really feel. I feel a hatred in my heart for all the lousy premises of Mormonism. I feel a hatred for the magical thinking. "If you would accept the atonement your life would be better!" I can hear them saying it now! Quit your magical illogical thinking! Value your lives enough to get out of Dodge and start making decisions to save yourself now!
Because that is what a voice in my head said to me in 2005, after I prayed to God to ask how I should help others. I got no answer to the actual question, "How should I serve?" Instead I got a warning in my head, "Save yourself."
The LDS Church taught me that it was wrong for me to want to save myself without saving others. They were fond of talking about how service and missionary work was what really saved your soul. Otherwise, you should do what your leaders said and accept the atonement. Excuse me, people, but have I ever been able to reject the gifts of God that are naturally due to all of his people? When have I ever believed truly that I could not save myself from any kind of ruin? When have I ever wanted to believe that my life was in someone else's hands? Where is the mercy of the merciless? I have relied on evil men to give me advice and straighten my paths through life. When will I ever get out of the nightmare? When will something I think or say be the way to get me out of this hell hole? When will I be able to respect myself? When will I be able to get it right? What is my problem? No! What is your problem? Why can't you tell me the way out of my insoluble mess? Why can't you tell me why I'm still defective? Why can't you give me the time of day just once without a message of guilt about what I am supposed to do? Why are your members starting to shun me? Why do they cringe when I talk about how we can bring good things to ourselves when I speak up in church? Why is everyone so shocked that I have suffered at all? Why have all of my friends so far blamed me? Where is the mercy? When does it end? My heart was bleeding and now it is hardening! What have you brought me to? I was supposed to humble myself and now I am a rebel, hardened by life. Now I can only respond to my survival instinct. Why can I no longer trust anyone? Why are they all vipers? Why do they only care about the empty order of their own lives? Why are they staring into a void and telling me to come with them? When will they grow up and teach real doctrine? Why is it all false? Why don't I fit in?
Where are your souls? Why are they easing into an apathetic laxity? Where is your charity? Why can you only ignore others? Why can you only ridicule me when I do not respond to you the way that you would like? Where is your integrity? Why do I have a sudden urge to sing jazz during the hymns? Why do you care if I do? Why should I even care if I am being proper? Why does it matter so much to wear a skirt to church?
Why do I even bother? If I set foot in a church building ever again, I will wear pants. I wear the pants in my family. Be off with you. I no longer care about your sick game.
Give me strength. I was never talking to a real god. I was talking to the Mormon god. They sapped my faith in Him, the real God. They turned him into a New Age answer.
They answer to no one else, or so they think. Where is my God? I haven't managed to answer that question? The impatience and anger eat me up while I feel that I can do nothing. So far, my own god has been myself. Have they taken the Creator of the Universe away from me? I feel like they have.
They nearly took away my desire to be chaste, virtuous, kind, happy, normal. They nearly took away my desire to live my life. For only a short-tracked treadmill would do. The LDS faith recycled itself daily in my unanswered questions. I kept vomiting all their bad ideas off of the side until I began to step in my own vomit. It was a warning for me to get away.
Now that I am mostly on the outside, I can only stare at the vomit, as if it was some kind of badge of honor. The horror was what began to define me. The nightmare was the real truth. I am hurting inside because I am still attached to the nightmare. No one can get me out.
I know that other people are in the nightmare. So, basically, they can't get me out either. They can help me extricate my body from pits, but they can do nothing if I don't know where I am.
Ifeel angry, and then I feel dead inside.
Where do I go from here? No one taught me the answer to this question.
1. Mormons are Christians. While I cannot completely argue away this idea, I hate it. Why? Because Mormonism distorts Christianity. Mormonism fractures Christianity and then regrows its limbs in hideous, twisted shapes. Mormons are told to have charity by the Book of Mormon, but Mormon leaders have little charity for those with troubled minds and consciences. Why do I know this? I have talked to plenty of bishops who only seem able to give hackneyed or insensitive advice and then banish me from the office with the idea that they are too busy to have any time with me. I am also appalled by the way Mormons portray the traits of God and Jesus Christ. And I am appalled at the magical way Mormons have of looking at the atonement.
2. Satan and Jesus Christ were brothers in the pre-existence. This is a really, really bad one. Why would something as evil as Satan be produced by the same father as something as good as Jesus Christ. Mormons do not appreciate Jesus Christ's power to save, and they do not appreciate the full evil of a figure like Satan. In fact, as far as I know, Satan was birthed by something that was not god. Perhaps something evil? I realized this when I read a verse in Revelations about where Satan came from and who he really is.
3. The atonement of Jesus Christ will fix everything if we have faith. What? Many Mormons believe that the atonement of Jesus Christ will fix their lives right now. I call this a kind of magical thinking. Mormons don't just believe that repentance will help people now. They don't just believe the atonement of Jesus Christ is what is needed to gain salvation in the next life. They actually believe that it will fix your life now. How this could be I could never figure out. It was never explained well to me. But it does smack of magical thinking.
4. Even though Jesus Christ died for our sins we will be rewarded for our works. If we do too many wrong things and not enough of the right ones, our souls will not be saved. Basically, Mormons believe you have to do a number of things to get salvation. They don't believe people in a sinful state can be saved. They think that you have to repent of everything that would keep you out of the highest degree of heaven. And they don't believe in death bed repentance either. Basically, Mormons have put many of the peoples of the world in a rough spot. I do not believe that Jesus Christ would leave someone who has managed to neglect repenting of a few small sins in a horrible place like spirit prison, but this is what Mormons believe. And then they believe there is no chance for repentance or changing in the Afterlife. I do not think that Mormons believe in being saved by grace. But why would a loving soul like Jesus Christ make it possible for everyone to be ressurrected, but then neglect to show imperfect people how they can be saved? So many people die imperfect. I do not believe there is one truly perfect person on earth, no matter how that person may be worshipped by his/her peers. Basically, I believe that Jesus is merciful to those who try to be good, no matter how they fail in each individual work. The whole right/wrong dichotomy tests the best of us. Don't you think that someone who atoned for your sins would save you in the next life rather than letting you be condemned to hell for an eternity for a tiny thing? The Pharisees strained at a gnat. I guess Mormons do, too.
5. You must go through a temple of God on earth and obey the prophet and all of the priesthood holders above you or you won't get to the highest degree of heaven. Wait a minute! Why would ten priesthood holders above me be able to keep me out of heaven if God could snatch me out of hell and put me in heaven? God is more powerful than any prophet or priesthood holder. After all, all they happen to be is men who got ordained by other men to what Mormons call the priesthood. Even if there was a true prophet on earth, he wouldn't be able to keep me out of heaven just because he didn't like my hairstyle, how many earrings I wear, and my health habits. Yet, this is how Mormons think. You can't take a sip of wine ever. You can't wear anything improper like flip-flops to church. On and on and on and on. I think that the "prophets" I've heard speak lately don't have much to say. And what do I think of the temple? Not much. No loving God would rely on something so disturbing.
Basically, I am sick of a lot of things about Mormonism. The last post on a message board that I made about any Mormon doctrine made me really, really mad. I think I am still very angry. I can't get that stuff out of my system. It seems like I am going to be obsessed with it forever. I am not getting it out of my system very fast. I am in touch with a kind of blinding anger that makes no sense. It is because none of this stuff that I was taught when I was growing up makes any sense.
It was all arbitrary. I kept getting new doctrines from Mormon Church leaders. It never ended. I kept finding out ways that I wasn't doing right. It never ended. I was on a hamster wheel, and I was told that it would bring me happiness. Actually, no happiness happened as I treaded the wheel, and I did notice that it took me nowhere. Actually, I got more and more backwards with time. I appeared to be moving backwards, not forwards. I got less and less mentally competent, less and less hopeful. I didn't seem to be able to get it right. I still can't get it right. But I appear to have moved forward instead of backward. I have decided that I, not the LDS Church, am accountable for my choices.
I feel really horrible today. I am rather tired. How am I supposed to keep going on some sort of fake journey? I don't really feel where I am going at all. I think that I am being fake with myself about what my direction in life should be. I have ideas to do things, but it doesn't ring true. I feel fatigue instead of energy. Something is very, very wrong. I might crawl back into bed and do some brainstorming and resting there. Nothing is taking right. It seems all wrong. I am not doing well at all. I have a lot of anger and confusion to deal with. How dare they derail my life so far that I wouldn't know what I wanted if it hit me in the face? It's not right! I'm in my 30's and I'm still trying to find myself?
Thanks a lot Mormon Church for hiding me from myself! Thanks a lot for telling me that I am wrong! Thanks a lot for hiding truth from everyone so that the whole world can be even more messed up than it is! Thanks a lot for letting me crash so badly that my body and mind aren't up to speed enough for me to move out of the traps in my life fast enough! Thanks a lot for turning me into a vegetable and then condemning me for becoming a living person! Thanks so much! Thanks a lot! Thanks a lot!
Go to hell!
I know that this is how I really feel. I feel a hatred in my heart for all the lousy premises of Mormonism. I feel a hatred for the magical thinking. "If you would accept the atonement your life would be better!" I can hear them saying it now! Quit your magical illogical thinking! Value your lives enough to get out of Dodge and start making decisions to save yourself now!
Because that is what a voice in my head said to me in 2005, after I prayed to God to ask how I should help others. I got no answer to the actual question, "How should I serve?" Instead I got a warning in my head, "Save yourself."
The LDS Church taught me that it was wrong for me to want to save myself without saving others. They were fond of talking about how service and missionary work was what really saved your soul. Otherwise, you should do what your leaders said and accept the atonement. Excuse me, people, but have I ever been able to reject the gifts of God that are naturally due to all of his people? When have I ever believed truly that I could not save myself from any kind of ruin? When have I ever wanted to believe that my life was in someone else's hands? Where is the mercy of the merciless? I have relied on evil men to give me advice and straighten my paths through life. When will I ever get out of the nightmare? When will something I think or say be the way to get me out of this hell hole? When will I be able to respect myself? When will I be able to get it right? What is my problem? No! What is your problem? Why can't you tell me the way out of my insoluble mess? Why can't you tell me why I'm still defective? Why can't you give me the time of day just once without a message of guilt about what I am supposed to do? Why are your members starting to shun me? Why do they cringe when I talk about how we can bring good things to ourselves when I speak up in church? Why is everyone so shocked that I have suffered at all? Why have all of my friends so far blamed me? Where is the mercy? When does it end? My heart was bleeding and now it is hardening! What have you brought me to? I was supposed to humble myself and now I am a rebel, hardened by life. Now I can only respond to my survival instinct. Why can I no longer trust anyone? Why are they all vipers? Why do they only care about the empty order of their own lives? Why are they staring into a void and telling me to come with them? When will they grow up and teach real doctrine? Why is it all false? Why don't I fit in?
Where are your souls? Why are they easing into an apathetic laxity? Where is your charity? Why can you only ignore others? Why can you only ridicule me when I do not respond to you the way that you would like? Where is your integrity? Why do I have a sudden urge to sing jazz during the hymns? Why do you care if I do? Why should I even care if I am being proper? Why does it matter so much to wear a skirt to church?
Why do I even bother? If I set foot in a church building ever again, I will wear pants. I wear the pants in my family. Be off with you. I no longer care about your sick game.
Give me strength. I was never talking to a real god. I was talking to the Mormon god. They sapped my faith in Him, the real God. They turned him into a New Age answer.
They answer to no one else, or so they think. Where is my God? I haven't managed to answer that question? The impatience and anger eat me up while I feel that I can do nothing. So far, my own god has been myself. Have they taken the Creator of the Universe away from me? I feel like they have.
They nearly took away my desire to be chaste, virtuous, kind, happy, normal. They nearly took away my desire to live my life. For only a short-tracked treadmill would do. The LDS faith recycled itself daily in my unanswered questions. I kept vomiting all their bad ideas off of the side until I began to step in my own vomit. It was a warning for me to get away.
Now that I am mostly on the outside, I can only stare at the vomit, as if it was some kind of badge of honor. The horror was what began to define me. The nightmare was the real truth. I am hurting inside because I am still attached to the nightmare. No one can get me out.
I know that other people are in the nightmare. So, basically, they can't get me out either. They can help me extricate my body from pits, but they can do nothing if I don't know where I am.
Ifeel angry, and then I feel dead inside.
Where do I go from here? No one taught me the answer to this question.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Mormonism is Crumbling Merely by Logic
I just found another site on the internet on which I can post. It seems that there are lots and lots of different kinds of message boards. Now there are three which I can lurk on. (I'm not counting the NOM or the exmormon board.) It seems that eliminating the exmormon board is not going to create a problem for me. I will learn what it is like to politely post and get polite responses! Wow! What a swanky idea!
Yesterday I read Deuteronomy 31-32. In Chapter 31, Joshua is called to take the people of Israel to the promised land. Moses also completes writing down on a scroll every single word of what is known as the law of Moses. He has the people place it beside the ark of the covenant as a "witness" against them. I suppose this is an acknowledgement of the Israelites' tendency to rebel against the commandments of the Lord. It's also a prophecy of greater rebellion. What would it be like should a religious leader say this to you? Would you believe him? You have to be an awfully good leader to be like Moses.
Chapter 32 is in verse in The Holman Bible. It is entitled "Song of Moses." This song appears to be a very big prophecy. Verse 25 says "Outside, the sword will take their children, and inside there will be terror; the young man and the virgin [will be killed] the infant and the gray-haired man." This is the verse of the lack of mercy of the invaders and destroyers of Jerusalem, in particular, the Chaldeans. (2 Kings 25: 8-21) It refers to slaying the people by the sword without the city. In the city, people will starve to death, etc. Chapter 32 is a prophecy to warn the people until their apostacy right before Jerusalem is destroyed.
I am reading the Bible, but not all chronologically. I am skipping around from book to book, between the Old Testament and the New Testament.
There is something else I have found. This passage was quoted on MADB, the Mormon Apologist board. It is Matthew 30-32: "Anyone who is not with Me is against Me, and anyone who does not gather with Me scatters. Because of this, I tell you, people will be forgiven every sin and blasphemy, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven. Whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man, it will be forgiven him. But whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit, it will not be forgiven him, either in this age or in the one to come."
Basically, these verses are about which types of blasphemy and obedience are forgivable. Basically, "every sin and blasphemy" will be forgiven. But there is one blasphemy that will not be forgiven. We are not to blaspheme the Holy Spirit or Holy Ghost. It occurs to me that Jesus is willing to forgive, especially if we are willing to repent. However, this blasphemy against the Holy Ghost is something that just seems to be unforgivable. I do not know how it is that you blaspheme the Holy Spirit. Do you say something horrible if you know the Holy Spirit is in the room? Are there acts that could only be in defiance and disrespect of the Spirit which speaks all truth? It seems that you would either need to say something really horrible that is directly against the Holy Ghost, or that you would need to do things in complete rebellion to what everything good is telling you. It could be that you would have to intentionally be blasphemous against that which you know to be true. If you don't know how you would ever intend to do something like this yourself, it could be a really good sign. Basically, you're not as evil as you thought you were. I know that I do not completely know how this would be possible. I am not feeling ANY ambition in this area. But it seems there may be people evil enough to do this. To me, real, pure evil is an intention to be evil, not an accidental evil. If you keep trying to make good decisions and keep away from that which you think is evil, you are doing exactly the opposite.
According to the Book of Mormon there is more to this equation. Alma 39: 5-6 talk about the LDS version of this type of thing. According to these verses, there is one "unpardonable" sin: "[denying] the Holy Ghost." There is a sin that is most near unto it: "[murdering] against the light and knowledge of God," also called "the shedding of innocent blood." It is not easy to obtain forgiveness for this sin.
The Book of Mormon does people a disservice here. It does not use the word "blaspheme" like the Bible scripture does. It uses the word "deny." Why would denying something be the same as blaspheming something? Aren't these two acts lightyears apart? You could "deny" the Holy Ghost merely by denying the Holy Ghost is influencing you. You could just not know at all. You could "blaspheme" the Holy Ghost only by intentionally doing and saying very, very horrible things. I find myself laughing at this. Why is this so badly written? Could it be that the Book of Mormon has passages that are entirely uninspired in any way? Does this mean that Joseph Smith, Jr. did not translate any golden plates at all? Could it be that in the book are entire passages written so badly that not even Mormons can follow them?
It only seems that the more I try to defend or explain the Book of Mormon, the worse it gets. Passages that I once thought were the light of my spiritual world, fall apart under completely logical scrutiny. I do not even need to be antagonistic against it. I can only watch the cookie crumble. It was once a yummy cookie. Only, it is now stale and completely in crumbs.
This is why I no longer need virulently hateful anti-Mormon rhetoric. I don't need to hate people. All I need to do is find the truth and speak it as I see it. That, right there is enough to take down the weak structures in Mormonism, at least in my own mind. I personally don't need to complain all day long that Mormonism is a cult. I don't need to say bad things about my fellow Mormons very often at all. The Book of Mormon is falling apart, as has much of the more unique doctrines of Mormonism. I'm not worried about being converted back anymore.
Yesterday I read Deuteronomy 31-32. In Chapter 31, Joshua is called to take the people of Israel to the promised land. Moses also completes writing down on a scroll every single word of what is known as the law of Moses. He has the people place it beside the ark of the covenant as a "witness" against them. I suppose this is an acknowledgement of the Israelites' tendency to rebel against the commandments of the Lord. It's also a prophecy of greater rebellion. What would it be like should a religious leader say this to you? Would you believe him? You have to be an awfully good leader to be like Moses.
Chapter 32 is in verse in The Holman Bible. It is entitled "Song of Moses." This song appears to be a very big prophecy. Verse 25 says "Outside, the sword will take their children, and inside there will be terror; the young man and the virgin [will be killed] the infant and the gray-haired man." This is the verse of the lack of mercy of the invaders and destroyers of Jerusalem, in particular, the Chaldeans. (2 Kings 25: 8-21) It refers to slaying the people by the sword without the city. In the city, people will starve to death, etc. Chapter 32 is a prophecy to warn the people until their apostacy right before Jerusalem is destroyed.
I am reading the Bible, but not all chronologically. I am skipping around from book to book, between the Old Testament and the New Testament.
There is something else I have found. This passage was quoted on MADB, the Mormon Apologist board. It is Matthew 30-32: "Anyone who is not with Me is against Me, and anyone who does not gather with Me scatters. Because of this, I tell you, people will be forgiven every sin and blasphemy, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven. Whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man, it will be forgiven him. But whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit, it will not be forgiven him, either in this age or in the one to come."
Basically, these verses are about which types of blasphemy and obedience are forgivable. Basically, "every sin and blasphemy" will be forgiven. But there is one blasphemy that will not be forgiven. We are not to blaspheme the Holy Spirit or Holy Ghost. It occurs to me that Jesus is willing to forgive, especially if we are willing to repent. However, this blasphemy against the Holy Ghost is something that just seems to be unforgivable. I do not know how it is that you blaspheme the Holy Spirit. Do you say something horrible if you know the Holy Spirit is in the room? Are there acts that could only be in defiance and disrespect of the Spirit which speaks all truth? It seems that you would either need to say something really horrible that is directly against the Holy Ghost, or that you would need to do things in complete rebellion to what everything good is telling you. It could be that you would have to intentionally be blasphemous against that which you know to be true. If you don't know how you would ever intend to do something like this yourself, it could be a really good sign. Basically, you're not as evil as you thought you were. I know that I do not completely know how this would be possible. I am not feeling ANY ambition in this area. But it seems there may be people evil enough to do this. To me, real, pure evil is an intention to be evil, not an accidental evil. If you keep trying to make good decisions and keep away from that which you think is evil, you are doing exactly the opposite.
According to the Book of Mormon there is more to this equation. Alma 39: 5-6 talk about the LDS version of this type of thing. According to these verses, there is one "unpardonable" sin: "[denying] the Holy Ghost." There is a sin that is most near unto it: "[murdering] against the light and knowledge of God," also called "the shedding of innocent blood." It is not easy to obtain forgiveness for this sin.
The Book of Mormon does people a disservice here. It does not use the word "blaspheme" like the Bible scripture does. It uses the word "deny." Why would denying something be the same as blaspheming something? Aren't these two acts lightyears apart? You could "deny" the Holy Ghost merely by denying the Holy Ghost is influencing you. You could just not know at all. You could "blaspheme" the Holy Ghost only by intentionally doing and saying very, very horrible things. I find myself laughing at this. Why is this so badly written? Could it be that the Book of Mormon has passages that are entirely uninspired in any way? Does this mean that Joseph Smith, Jr. did not translate any golden plates at all? Could it be that in the book are entire passages written so badly that not even Mormons can follow them?
It only seems that the more I try to defend or explain the Book of Mormon, the worse it gets. Passages that I once thought were the light of my spiritual world, fall apart under completely logical scrutiny. I do not even need to be antagonistic against it. I can only watch the cookie crumble. It was once a yummy cookie. Only, it is now stale and completely in crumbs.
This is why I no longer need virulently hateful anti-Mormon rhetoric. I don't need to hate people. All I need to do is find the truth and speak it as I see it. That, right there is enough to take down the weak structures in Mormonism, at least in my own mind. I personally don't need to complain all day long that Mormonism is a cult. I don't need to say bad things about my fellow Mormons very often at all. The Book of Mormon is falling apart, as has much of the more unique doctrines of Mormonism. I'm not worried about being converted back anymore.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
I'm Not a NOM
Hmmmmm......It seems that I was NOM for a day.
I am not a NOM. I think I really thought that I was constructing a plan in my head. I thought that in a year, I would pick a ward, visit its meetings often, and disrupt it. Maybe for a month or two. Then I thought that I was going to write several letters to the prophet. My rationale was that I still cared about the Church and that I was going to help it start to get rid of its corruption. I have to say that this sounded more appealing than being anti-Mormon.
However, at this point I don't want to have much more to do with the LDS Church. I am very sick of it. And, yesterday, the thought that I had more duty towards it made me feel kind of lousy inside. I felt just a little bit sick. I thought I was being principled. But really, my duty is not towards the Church anymore. It is to myself.
I think that it is indeed my duty to stay off of exmormon.org. The message board is so anti-Mormon that I cannot help but wonder if anyone on it is truly being honest about their experiences with Mormonism. They just agree with anti-Mormon statements that are posted and don't think about what they are really saying.
When I posted on the NOM board that I still enjoy the Book of Mormon, I did it out of shock that no one on the exmormon board had any respect for my heritage or opinion. The exmormon board is so bad that people start thinking they are NOM's. Actually, you don't have to back to your NOM-hood to despise hate speech that lacks logic or truth. The people on exmormon.org, or RFM, hate religions of all kinds. They hate spirituality of all kinds. Some of them hate goodness of all kinds. That's not my kind of people. And that certainly is not me.
I like the NOM's because they have standards. Being LDS told me that there were some standards that I could live. I little bit of deprivation every now and then was not a crime. Lots and lots of deprivation is a crime. But self-control has its charms. It can actually preserve your life. And it can help you achieve higher things than those who do not have self-control. The RFM posters have thrown the baby out with the bathwater. Some of them are lying about having been born into the church as well. They constantly say things that indicate they were converted to it at a certain point as adults and in a few years decided to leave and have nothing to do with it again. RFM is a good board for anger. But after you have gone through all of your anger, you start to hate it.
I admire the NOM's, even though I do not completely endorse their continued activity in the LDS Church. I might post on the NOM board every once and a while. They're cute people. See! I am definitely not anti-Mormon. I think the LDS Church would be different if it contained a higher level of people with the kindness, tolerance, and consideration of the NOM's. The LDS Church is shooting itself in the foot by discouraging NOM's from voicing their opinions. I think that many of them will either leave the LDS Church or form a break-off organization. The organization that breaks off may be so weird that the mainstream LDS Church will be embarrassed.
Watch out LDS Church! You never know what defectors will do with your material!
There are two other boards that I can post on where I don't have to be NOM or anti-Mormon. I can just be a Post Mormon or Ex-Mormon.
I am not a NOM. I think I really thought that I was constructing a plan in my head. I thought that in a year, I would pick a ward, visit its meetings often, and disrupt it. Maybe for a month or two. Then I thought that I was going to write several letters to the prophet. My rationale was that I still cared about the Church and that I was going to help it start to get rid of its corruption. I have to say that this sounded more appealing than being anti-Mormon.
However, at this point I don't want to have much more to do with the LDS Church. I am very sick of it. And, yesterday, the thought that I had more duty towards it made me feel kind of lousy inside. I felt just a little bit sick. I thought I was being principled. But really, my duty is not towards the Church anymore. It is to myself.
I think that it is indeed my duty to stay off of exmormon.org. The message board is so anti-Mormon that I cannot help but wonder if anyone on it is truly being honest about their experiences with Mormonism. They just agree with anti-Mormon statements that are posted and don't think about what they are really saying.
When I posted on the NOM board that I still enjoy the Book of Mormon, I did it out of shock that no one on the exmormon board had any respect for my heritage or opinion. The exmormon board is so bad that people start thinking they are NOM's. Actually, you don't have to back to your NOM-hood to despise hate speech that lacks logic or truth. The people on exmormon.org, or RFM, hate religions of all kinds. They hate spirituality of all kinds. Some of them hate goodness of all kinds. That's not my kind of people. And that certainly is not me.
I like the NOM's because they have standards. Being LDS told me that there were some standards that I could live. I little bit of deprivation every now and then was not a crime. Lots and lots of deprivation is a crime. But self-control has its charms. It can actually preserve your life. And it can help you achieve higher things than those who do not have self-control. The RFM posters have thrown the baby out with the bathwater. Some of them are lying about having been born into the church as well. They constantly say things that indicate they were converted to it at a certain point as adults and in a few years decided to leave and have nothing to do with it again. RFM is a good board for anger. But after you have gone through all of your anger, you start to hate it.
I admire the NOM's, even though I do not completely endorse their continued activity in the LDS Church. I might post on the NOM board every once and a while. They're cute people. See! I am definitely not anti-Mormon. I think the LDS Church would be different if it contained a higher level of people with the kindness, tolerance, and consideration of the NOM's. The LDS Church is shooting itself in the foot by discouraging NOM's from voicing their opinions. I think that many of them will either leave the LDS Church or form a break-off organization. The organization that breaks off may be so weird that the mainstream LDS Church will be embarrassed.
Watch out LDS Church! You never know what defectors will do with your material!
There are two other boards that I can post on where I don't have to be NOM or anti-Mormon. I can just be a Post Mormon or Ex-Mormon.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Too Much Anti-Mormon Hate Speech is Wrong
I think that I have been trying too hard to be anti-Mormon. Just because I think that there are evil elements to the LDS Church does not mean I have to promote hate speech against it. I am starting to tire of anti-Mormon websites that have nothing to do with individual belief systems and everything to do with hating Mormons and Mormonism without reason.
I thought that the anti-Mormon website I was posting on was honest, but I began to realize that people were distorting the facts to sound more anti-Mormon and more cool. I am beginning to feel that this is immature. I am beginning to mistrust those people.
There are still a number of things that I have an emotional attachment to in Mormonism. I like some passages of the Book of Mormon. I belief in an afterlife. I believe that people will be rewarded in heaven for their good deeds. I believe in many parts of the Bible. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus Christ. But no belief that anyone walks away with is respected by certain anti-Mormons.
And then all Mormons are ridiculed as if they are all stupid because they were raised in the Mormon tradition. If anyone is damaged by the Church they act as if everyone in that church is evil and damaging, despite the fact that there may be many good or completely innocent people in that church.
I also believe that God works with the leaders and followers of churches to help them make those churches closer to worshipping Him and closer to the truth. I think that many churches have choices to make. Will they be more accepting of humanity? Will they promote rules that really do make people happy, not rules that only restrict unnecessarily? Will they teach their parishioners how to treat one another kindly? Will they help their members in the everyday decisions and routines that bother them most?
It seems that many churches could be good churches. Rather than focusing on whether a church is THE TRUE CHURCH, maybe it should be emphasized what good that church does for its members. It should be emphasized that no church should be found abusing others spiritually, emotionally, or physically. Even if the members believe that the abuse fosters the truth. How can abuse foster the truth?
And just as I said that I would write about the chapters in the Bible that I was reading, I stopped having enthusiasm for reading the Bible. Oh my goodness! How did that happen?
I think that I am stuffing this whole search for the truth thing a little too far down my throat. I am not just letting myself be. If I want to, any time I can read that Bible. If I have no response to it, I have no response to it.
Basically, anything goes here on my blog. Any concern I have, anything I am learning. It belongs here.
In the mean time, I am going to make sure I don't go onto extra hateful anti-Mormon websites. There are lots of alternatives that I am finding on the internet. Also, I can focus on doing more interesting activities offline so that I may promote a more well-rounded life for myself.
I can still complain about the Mormon Church. I am just sick of letting my spiritual journey be defined by the opinions of others. It hurts me to be rejected for the positive aspects of my belief system. I should guard my feelings regarding those beliefs and participate only in internet communities that do not completely cut into me for being the believer that I am. I believe in spirituality. I believe in God.
Let it be. Let it be.
I thought that the anti-Mormon website I was posting on was honest, but I began to realize that people were distorting the facts to sound more anti-Mormon and more cool. I am beginning to feel that this is immature. I am beginning to mistrust those people.
There are still a number of things that I have an emotional attachment to in Mormonism. I like some passages of the Book of Mormon. I belief in an afterlife. I believe that people will be rewarded in heaven for their good deeds. I believe in many parts of the Bible. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus Christ. But no belief that anyone walks away with is respected by certain anti-Mormons.
And then all Mormons are ridiculed as if they are all stupid because they were raised in the Mormon tradition. If anyone is damaged by the Church they act as if everyone in that church is evil and damaging, despite the fact that there may be many good or completely innocent people in that church.
I also believe that God works with the leaders and followers of churches to help them make those churches closer to worshipping Him and closer to the truth. I think that many churches have choices to make. Will they be more accepting of humanity? Will they promote rules that really do make people happy, not rules that only restrict unnecessarily? Will they teach their parishioners how to treat one another kindly? Will they help their members in the everyday decisions and routines that bother them most?
It seems that many churches could be good churches. Rather than focusing on whether a church is THE TRUE CHURCH, maybe it should be emphasized what good that church does for its members. It should be emphasized that no church should be found abusing others spiritually, emotionally, or physically. Even if the members believe that the abuse fosters the truth. How can abuse foster the truth?
And just as I said that I would write about the chapters in the Bible that I was reading, I stopped having enthusiasm for reading the Bible. Oh my goodness! How did that happen?
I think that I am stuffing this whole search for the truth thing a little too far down my throat. I am not just letting myself be. If I want to, any time I can read that Bible. If I have no response to it, I have no response to it.
Basically, anything goes here on my blog. Any concern I have, anything I am learning. It belongs here.
In the mean time, I am going to make sure I don't go onto extra hateful anti-Mormon websites. There are lots of alternatives that I am finding on the internet. Also, I can focus on doing more interesting activities offline so that I may promote a more well-rounded life for myself.
I can still complain about the Mormon Church. I am just sick of letting my spiritual journey be defined by the opinions of others. It hurts me to be rejected for the positive aspects of my belief system. I should guard my feelings regarding those beliefs and participate only in internet communities that do not completely cut into me for being the believer that I am. I believe in spirituality. I believe in God.
Let it be. Let it be.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
A New Kind of Entry
My blog is entering a new era. I have worked on a lot of the anger I have held in for years. I have mourned many aspects of my life not being perfect. I have acknowledged head on what I need to acknowledge now that I am no longer an active member of the LDS Church.
I would like to keep blogging about the LDS Church. I would like to keep blogging about the brainwashing and confusion produced by the Church.
I would also like to speak about my new beliefs, my new questions, my Bible study. I would like to write about how I perceive what I read in the Bible. I will not always give learned or wordy analyses of what I read. But I will comment on the impression it left me with to deal with the text known as the Holy Bible to so many religions.
I am starting to want to move forward. I will start by learning to gaze at belief and meaning in life from different angles.
So, I just realized that a part of the brainwashing I am undoing since being in the Mormon Church has to do with physical pain. In high school, one day, I was in the bathroom. I had horrible cramps due to the time of month, and no idea what to take for them. They were really bad. An hour later, when I got out of the bathroom, the cramps had subsided. I left the regular high school building to go to what is known as release time seminary. Many LDS high school students in Utah spend at least one class period of the day being taught LDS doctrines and being encouraged to study the Standard Works--the Book of Mormon, King James Bible, Doctrine and Covenants, and Pearl of Great Price. When I went to seminary, we were told how we were to deal with adversity in life. It sounded like the topic was describing my day. We were told not to pray to have the adversity taken away. We were instead supposed to pray to be able to endure it. LDS people are taught, and often believe, that any pain or discomfort in life is allowed by God so that we can be humble and turn to Him. We are told not to ask why, but ask why not.
It sounds sort of cruel. A high school girl is learning to deal with her life and her body and she is told in seminary that she should endure it and pray to endure it? She can't try to take it away? While I was not convinced it meant that I should not take pain medication next time my little problem happened, I thought that if I had been righteous, I wouldn't have prayed for God to take away my pain. By the way, I had, and I think that that is why I left the bathroom ready to go to another class. God did help me on that day. You shouldn't pray to have it taken away?
I think that to do this day, I get tense whenever I have any sort of physical discomfort, as if I am trying to will myself to endure the pain. I have noticed that when I relax, the pain subsides and I am able to think about how to properly deal with my discomfort on a medical and emotional level. Yes, God takes away pain when there is no way out of it, and the soul in distress needs it.
It is amazing how the brainwashing of any kind of organization can take away the empowerment and natural faith of one individual. And I am amazed that any religious people would take the pain and confusion of a high school student and turn it into some sort of trial that can never be relieved. Shame, shame on Mormonism.
Now for the Bible portion of my blog!
I have been reading 1 Corinthians. Chapter 7 verses 25-40 talks about how to deal with the unmarried and the widows. Instead of saying the everyone must be married, Paul talks about how those who may not be in a grand position to marry, no matter what their age, should not assume that they must get married and rush into a marriage contract. He talks about how married life is different than single life. He calls single life a time to be holy. He calls married life a time to please one's spouse. Paul emphasizes the value of each time of life. He tackles the social mores of his day regarding marriage and virginity. He gives his followers some guildelines. This passage says to me that Paul was teaching people so they would be able to deal with the practical affairs of their lives and emphasize common sense in their traditions and behaviors. To me this means that true religion emphasizes practical matters when necessary so that right living can be lived everyday, not just in a church or synagogue.
Chapter 8 is about food offered to idols. This chapter makes less sense to me because it is so much a practical matter of the saints in Corinth. There doesn't seem to be a modern equivalent to the problem presented in this chapter. I think that personally, I am not going to read it over and over again and worry about it. I am just glad that Paul is telling the people to beware of practices that would be offensive to the Lord.
I think that as I read the Bible, I wonder what kind of Christian I am. I do not seem to be vibrating with Christianity. I think that as a member of the Mormon Church, I did not seem to feel the vibrance of the truest form of Christianity. The Mormon Church took the bite out of the atonement for me. And there are logical things that Mormonism never addressed that I am trying to figure out. Basically, I do not know all the questions I must ask for things to make sense. As an active Mormon, things did not make much sense when it came to Jesus and what he has done for me and mankind.
Reading the Bible makes me explore my feelings: Do I believe what is presented to me in the Bible on a literal level? Do I believe some literal things and some symbolic things? Are there mysteries that no one knows, including the authors of the Bible? Are non-Christian religions valid? I have started with questions. And I know that I am completely out of touch with questions that seem to be there on an instinctual, but not logical level. I wonder what will come out of me in a few years? I think that I am more comfortable living with questions than answers at this point and time. After all, when I believed I had all the answers, I was living a cruel and rigid religion that did not honor the idea of being the question. Eastern religions honor this. I think Christians could do this too.
I would like to keep blogging about the LDS Church. I would like to keep blogging about the brainwashing and confusion produced by the Church.
I would also like to speak about my new beliefs, my new questions, my Bible study. I would like to write about how I perceive what I read in the Bible. I will not always give learned or wordy analyses of what I read. But I will comment on the impression it left me with to deal with the text known as the Holy Bible to so many religions.
I am starting to want to move forward. I will start by learning to gaze at belief and meaning in life from different angles.
So, I just realized that a part of the brainwashing I am undoing since being in the Mormon Church has to do with physical pain. In high school, one day, I was in the bathroom. I had horrible cramps due to the time of month, and no idea what to take for them. They were really bad. An hour later, when I got out of the bathroom, the cramps had subsided. I left the regular high school building to go to what is known as release time seminary. Many LDS high school students in Utah spend at least one class period of the day being taught LDS doctrines and being encouraged to study the Standard Works--the Book of Mormon, King James Bible, Doctrine and Covenants, and Pearl of Great Price. When I went to seminary, we were told how we were to deal with adversity in life. It sounded like the topic was describing my day. We were told not to pray to have the adversity taken away. We were instead supposed to pray to be able to endure it. LDS people are taught, and often believe, that any pain or discomfort in life is allowed by God so that we can be humble and turn to Him. We are told not to ask why, but ask why not.
It sounds sort of cruel. A high school girl is learning to deal with her life and her body and she is told in seminary that she should endure it and pray to endure it? She can't try to take it away? While I was not convinced it meant that I should not take pain medication next time my little problem happened, I thought that if I had been righteous, I wouldn't have prayed for God to take away my pain. By the way, I had, and I think that that is why I left the bathroom ready to go to another class. God did help me on that day. You shouldn't pray to have it taken away?
I think that to do this day, I get tense whenever I have any sort of physical discomfort, as if I am trying to will myself to endure the pain. I have noticed that when I relax, the pain subsides and I am able to think about how to properly deal with my discomfort on a medical and emotional level. Yes, God takes away pain when there is no way out of it, and the soul in distress needs it.
It is amazing how the brainwashing of any kind of organization can take away the empowerment and natural faith of one individual. And I am amazed that any religious people would take the pain and confusion of a high school student and turn it into some sort of trial that can never be relieved. Shame, shame on Mormonism.
Now for the Bible portion of my blog!
I have been reading 1 Corinthians. Chapter 7 verses 25-40 talks about how to deal with the unmarried and the widows. Instead of saying the everyone must be married, Paul talks about how those who may not be in a grand position to marry, no matter what their age, should not assume that they must get married and rush into a marriage contract. He talks about how married life is different than single life. He calls single life a time to be holy. He calls married life a time to please one's spouse. Paul emphasizes the value of each time of life. He tackles the social mores of his day regarding marriage and virginity. He gives his followers some guildelines. This passage says to me that Paul was teaching people so they would be able to deal with the practical affairs of their lives and emphasize common sense in their traditions and behaviors. To me this means that true religion emphasizes practical matters when necessary so that right living can be lived everyday, not just in a church or synagogue.
Chapter 8 is about food offered to idols. This chapter makes less sense to me because it is so much a practical matter of the saints in Corinth. There doesn't seem to be a modern equivalent to the problem presented in this chapter. I think that personally, I am not going to read it over and over again and worry about it. I am just glad that Paul is telling the people to beware of practices that would be offensive to the Lord.
I think that as I read the Bible, I wonder what kind of Christian I am. I do not seem to be vibrating with Christianity. I think that as a member of the Mormon Church, I did not seem to feel the vibrance of the truest form of Christianity. The Mormon Church took the bite out of the atonement for me. And there are logical things that Mormonism never addressed that I am trying to figure out. Basically, I do not know all the questions I must ask for things to make sense. As an active Mormon, things did not make much sense when it came to Jesus and what he has done for me and mankind.
Reading the Bible makes me explore my feelings: Do I believe what is presented to me in the Bible on a literal level? Do I believe some literal things and some symbolic things? Are there mysteries that no one knows, including the authors of the Bible? Are non-Christian religions valid? I have started with questions. And I know that I am completely out of touch with questions that seem to be there on an instinctual, but not logical level. I wonder what will come out of me in a few years? I think that I am more comfortable living with questions than answers at this point and time. After all, when I believed I had all the answers, I was living a cruel and rigid religion that did not honor the idea of being the question. Eastern religions honor this. I think Christians could do this too.
Bizarre Beliefs and Magical Thinking for All!
The things that I believed while I was in the Mormon Church were not always just the standard fare. I did not just believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet who had a vision, that the Book of Mormon was true, and that the LDS Church was the one true church one earth. I believed other crazy things.
A few years ago, I was on my aunt's rural property and thought that I had found a temple. I thought that I was feeling the power of God whenever I went to a certain spot. I believed that there were spots throughout the earth that were natural temples. This was from the idea that a spot in Jerusalem was consecrated by a Mormon leader. However, I didn't think it was consecrated by the Mormon leader. I thought it was consecrated by the Book of Mormon prophet Moroni.
On the same vacation/family reunion at my aunt's house, I decided that I was going to convert all of my non-Mormon relatives. These relatives had long been a concern to me. They did things like drinking beer, gambling, and swearing. Some of my cousins are the wildest people I know. However, by the end of this family reunion I was sure they couldn't possibly be open to it. And they had started many fights that proved that all they wanted in life was attention and mischief. They told lies and made empty accusations. And I began to retreat from them on an emotional level. These people want to be Mormons? Oh, please.
Another time, I was in church when a stake president was speaking in sacrament meeting. He said that the windows of heaven were closing and we didn't have much more opportunity to pay our debts. He said that in a few years we would not be able to pay them off anymore. I believed this wholeheartedly. As LDS people, we were always told to prepare for disasters and that the Second Coming of Christ was around the corner. The LDS leaders made a big deal out of everyone paying their debts. So, this made sense to me. Soon thereafter I got a "prophecy" telling me that the economy of the United States would collapse in 15 years. I used the bad reports of the U.S. economy on NPR to work myself up on this one. I called people and told them the prophecy. I was sure it was true. Nothing really unusual happened to make me believe that my idea had come from God. However, I thought I had the gift of prophecy. My sister pooh-poohed me when I told her. I thought she was blind and insensitive when it came to the truth.
Later, I decided that the United States economy was probably still pretty good since it kept having any growth at all. I have since decided that economic woes are here, but they pop up in cycles and for actual reasons. Sometimes the economy just prunes itself here and there. I now believe that it would take many years for the whole U.S. economy to get that weak.
On a financial level, the LDS Church is not the place to be. It may be that the LDS Church is very wealthy. I don't have exact figures, but it is worth over a billion at this point. One of the reasons for this wealth is that everyone pays ten percent of their gross earnings every year. People are told that they must pay tithing or they will not get temple recommends. They are also told that they will avoid being burned during the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. They are told that if they faithfully pay tithing to the LDS Church the windows of heaven will be opened and pour out a blessing upon their heads. They believe that they will be wealthier than those who do not pay tithing.
So basically, LDS people believe that they will personally be wealthier and that God will make them prosperous if they pay their tithing. There are tithing stories in the church about people receiving checks in the mail and being able to pay their bills, just because they paid tithing. Basically, LDS people believe that if they give to the Church, God will give back to them. Unfortunately, many people have financial problems that are made worse by the fact that ten percent of what precious little money they do have is going to donations to the LDS Church, not payment of large bills or savings for houses, educations, or retirement.
Basically, when it comes to money, Mormons have magical thinking. They imagine that paying tithing will make them richer. It does the opposite.
Also, Mormons are told to pay all of their debts. Some people are in debt because the money doesn't stretch during the month to cover everything. So, basically, the people are constantly made to feel guilty for being in a financial position the LDS Church put them in. So, people have to pay tithing and feel guilty for not paying it. And then, they have to feel guilty that they are in debt, in some cases, because they paid tithing.
And then there is this shocking fact: At a certain point, LDS leaders were telling Church members that they needed to settle down and put down roots. They were told to buy a house and not move all of the time. It makes sense for some families to find a good neighborhood, buy a house, and settle down. However, not all church members are wealthy enough to buy a house that is large enough for them and all of their children.
On top of this, everyone is told to get an education. Lots of young people graduate from college with student loan debt.
Here is a classic scenario from BYU:
A nineteen year old girl and a twenty-two year old boy get married in the temple. Neither one of them has finished college. They both get jobs and try to support each other and make it through school. At some point, the girl may stop using birth control. Either that or she never used it in the first place. This fertile young woman is now pregnant. She has the child. This is what the leaders have told her to do. The young man is now trying to support a wife AND child and get through school. The couple may continue to fail to use birth control and have more children. The young man continues to struggle with bringing in enough money and getting his degree. Some young men never get their degree and end up earning less than they could have. All this and the family keeps growing.
The young people could have all sorts of debt. They could have student loan debt, house debt, car debt, debt from medical bills. But they keep going and assume that this is how life is. For some couples, this breaks up the family. The young couple, or young parents cannot survive the financial deprivation. On an emotional level, things have gotten to be too hard.
Some couples divorce. Some couples feel a never-ending misery that life will never get better. What is worse, the LDS Church leaders tell people that life will not get easier. They tell them that they must prepare for the future and become more spiritual. And they must not stop paying tithing. They are also told that happiness comes from marrying and starting a family early. Many people are actually made unhappy by this kind of a life. Parents and children miss out on health care, future educational opportunities, and a chance to feel financially secure more often.
As you can see, guilt for debt is the cherry the LDS leaders put on top of the sundae of shame, anxiety and burden that the leaders give to families in the church.
Are families really forever in the LDS Church? Or are they merely part of the bizarre mythology that LDS leaders use to manipulate the members into feeling guilt and neediness that would make them turn to the LDS Church for answers? Many people feel that the LDS Church does have the answers. They feel it isolates them from the evils of the world. But does it?
I feel that the LDS Church makes its members believe myths and lies about life that make it impossible to be successful and independent. I know one young family that started out in debt and a lack of education, and I know that no one can make it in this world with great success merely by following the teachings of the LDS Church. Debt and regret are too often the real result.
Why do I care about this? I didn't marry young. I didn't marry at all. Well, I got some of my ideas about life from my fellow church members. And it just didn't wash for me. And I began to feel sorry for people that I at first felt must be very righteous. After a while, I began to tell my family members that I thought that people shouldn't be marrying under the age of 25. I saw impossible life situations because it happens rampantly in the LDS Church. I feel that many people in our society are mentally still children. One reason for this is that American society is so complex that we are children for a while. Our culture is the opposite of simple and relaxing. It makes us into idiots while we try to figure out why the world is the way it is. It is not easy to get along in this society. It is something we must learn before we drag others into our learning curves.
Let us have some sense and think for ourselves. Let us see what ideas and organizations make us believe that life can be easily navigated. Let us see that we not become trapped in them.
A few years ago, I was on my aunt's rural property and thought that I had found a temple. I thought that I was feeling the power of God whenever I went to a certain spot. I believed that there were spots throughout the earth that were natural temples. This was from the idea that a spot in Jerusalem was consecrated by a Mormon leader. However, I didn't think it was consecrated by the Mormon leader. I thought it was consecrated by the Book of Mormon prophet Moroni.
On the same vacation/family reunion at my aunt's house, I decided that I was going to convert all of my non-Mormon relatives. These relatives had long been a concern to me. They did things like drinking beer, gambling, and swearing. Some of my cousins are the wildest people I know. However, by the end of this family reunion I was sure they couldn't possibly be open to it. And they had started many fights that proved that all they wanted in life was attention and mischief. They told lies and made empty accusations. And I began to retreat from them on an emotional level. These people want to be Mormons? Oh, please.
Another time, I was in church when a stake president was speaking in sacrament meeting. He said that the windows of heaven were closing and we didn't have much more opportunity to pay our debts. He said that in a few years we would not be able to pay them off anymore. I believed this wholeheartedly. As LDS people, we were always told to prepare for disasters and that the Second Coming of Christ was around the corner. The LDS leaders made a big deal out of everyone paying their debts. So, this made sense to me. Soon thereafter I got a "prophecy" telling me that the economy of the United States would collapse in 15 years. I used the bad reports of the U.S. economy on NPR to work myself up on this one. I called people and told them the prophecy. I was sure it was true. Nothing really unusual happened to make me believe that my idea had come from God. However, I thought I had the gift of prophecy. My sister pooh-poohed me when I told her. I thought she was blind and insensitive when it came to the truth.
Later, I decided that the United States economy was probably still pretty good since it kept having any growth at all. I have since decided that economic woes are here, but they pop up in cycles and for actual reasons. Sometimes the economy just prunes itself here and there. I now believe that it would take many years for the whole U.S. economy to get that weak.
On a financial level, the LDS Church is not the place to be. It may be that the LDS Church is very wealthy. I don't have exact figures, but it is worth over a billion at this point. One of the reasons for this wealth is that everyone pays ten percent of their gross earnings every year. People are told that they must pay tithing or they will not get temple recommends. They are also told that they will avoid being burned during the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. They are told that if they faithfully pay tithing to the LDS Church the windows of heaven will be opened and pour out a blessing upon their heads. They believe that they will be wealthier than those who do not pay tithing.
So basically, LDS people believe that they will personally be wealthier and that God will make them prosperous if they pay their tithing. There are tithing stories in the church about people receiving checks in the mail and being able to pay their bills, just because they paid tithing. Basically, LDS people believe that if they give to the Church, God will give back to them. Unfortunately, many people have financial problems that are made worse by the fact that ten percent of what precious little money they do have is going to donations to the LDS Church, not payment of large bills or savings for houses, educations, or retirement.
Basically, when it comes to money, Mormons have magical thinking. They imagine that paying tithing will make them richer. It does the opposite.
Also, Mormons are told to pay all of their debts. Some people are in debt because the money doesn't stretch during the month to cover everything. So, basically, the people are constantly made to feel guilty for being in a financial position the LDS Church put them in. So, people have to pay tithing and feel guilty for not paying it. And then, they have to feel guilty that they are in debt, in some cases, because they paid tithing.
And then there is this shocking fact: At a certain point, LDS leaders were telling Church members that they needed to settle down and put down roots. They were told to buy a house and not move all of the time. It makes sense for some families to find a good neighborhood, buy a house, and settle down. However, not all church members are wealthy enough to buy a house that is large enough for them and all of their children.
On top of this, everyone is told to get an education. Lots of young people graduate from college with student loan debt.
Here is a classic scenario from BYU:
A nineteen year old girl and a twenty-two year old boy get married in the temple. Neither one of them has finished college. They both get jobs and try to support each other and make it through school. At some point, the girl may stop using birth control. Either that or she never used it in the first place. This fertile young woman is now pregnant. She has the child. This is what the leaders have told her to do. The young man is now trying to support a wife AND child and get through school. The couple may continue to fail to use birth control and have more children. The young man continues to struggle with bringing in enough money and getting his degree. Some young men never get their degree and end up earning less than they could have. All this and the family keeps growing.
The young people could have all sorts of debt. They could have student loan debt, house debt, car debt, debt from medical bills. But they keep going and assume that this is how life is. For some couples, this breaks up the family. The young couple, or young parents cannot survive the financial deprivation. On an emotional level, things have gotten to be too hard.
Some couples divorce. Some couples feel a never-ending misery that life will never get better. What is worse, the LDS Church leaders tell people that life will not get easier. They tell them that they must prepare for the future and become more spiritual. And they must not stop paying tithing. They are also told that happiness comes from marrying and starting a family early. Many people are actually made unhappy by this kind of a life. Parents and children miss out on health care, future educational opportunities, and a chance to feel financially secure more often.
As you can see, guilt for debt is the cherry the LDS leaders put on top of the sundae of shame, anxiety and burden that the leaders give to families in the church.
Are families really forever in the LDS Church? Or are they merely part of the bizarre mythology that LDS leaders use to manipulate the members into feeling guilt and neediness that would make them turn to the LDS Church for answers? Many people feel that the LDS Church does have the answers. They feel it isolates them from the evils of the world. But does it?
I feel that the LDS Church makes its members believe myths and lies about life that make it impossible to be successful and independent. I know one young family that started out in debt and a lack of education, and I know that no one can make it in this world with great success merely by following the teachings of the LDS Church. Debt and regret are too often the real result.
Why do I care about this? I didn't marry young. I didn't marry at all. Well, I got some of my ideas about life from my fellow church members. And it just didn't wash for me. And I began to feel sorry for people that I at first felt must be very righteous. After a while, I began to tell my family members that I thought that people shouldn't be marrying under the age of 25. I saw impossible life situations because it happens rampantly in the LDS Church. I feel that many people in our society are mentally still children. One reason for this is that American society is so complex that we are children for a while. Our culture is the opposite of simple and relaxing. It makes us into idiots while we try to figure out why the world is the way it is. It is not easy to get along in this society. It is something we must learn before we drag others into our learning curves.
Let us have some sense and think for ourselves. Let us see what ideas and organizations make us believe that life can be easily navigated. Let us see that we not become trapped in them.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
I Am Becoming Myself
Since my last entry on this blog, I have come to some interesting conclusions. I looked at the NOM (New Order Mormon) message board. I thought that it was an interesting board. The people seemed to be having civil conversations. They liked the LDS Church a lot more than the people on the exmormon board. They were a lot less angry.
At first I thought it was kind of beautiful. All of these people were expressing different opinions without sounding bitter. I have to admit that I was drawn to the lack of bitterness. It was truly a rest from the more bitter-sounding stuff on exmormon.org. I thought that the threads on the board had more depth, especially the threads in which people were philosophizing or reasoning about some issue. I also felt like I had reasoned like a NOM for a long time. I still reason somewhat like a NOM.
There was a problem, however, when I lurked on the NOM board the next day. I realized, that as much as I would like to pretend to be a NOM, I am all the way out. I think that I wished that I had seen that board a year or two earlier when I was thinking in that vein. I would have thought it was great. It may have even helped me more quickly understand that I don't reason like a true blue Mormon.
However, I am dealing with the present time. I cannot actually go back to church. It would be against my values and I would be poisoned by the bad spiritual atmosphere in the church building again. And a woman from the ward called the other day, and she was so rude that I hung up on her. I can't go back to those people. I don't trust them with my emotional well-being. I suppose that I wished I could go back to fool my mother who is pressing on me like a hot iron. But there is no other way to deal with this than with honesty. I think it is a bad deal all around.
I also think that those NOMS are attending better wards than I last attended. The last two wards I attended were so bad that I couldn't even think about going back. I obviously do not believe in the Mormon Church anymore. I think that after lurking on the NOM board a little, I realized that I fundamentally differ from the philosophies of those people. A NOM participates in LDS Church meetings whether or not they believe any Mormon doctrine. I do not participate at all. I am no longer trying some ridiculous balancing act. I'm through.
I realize, as well, that I am not ready to write my whole resignation letter as of yet. I did try it, and it was scary. I am still forming opinions that will allow me to completely comprehend this whole experience of going toward an Ex-Mormon status. I am seduced by all sides of the coin. I see the good. I see the bad. I don't hate active Mormons for liking their faith. It disturbs me that they like their faith, but I don't hate them. I understand it all too well.
I have realized that what is happening is that I am becoming more definite about who I am and what I believe. I more definitely believe that I no longer believe in the Mormon Church. So many things about that church are no longer sacred. If I post on the internet I speak with more certainty, and I do not believe that I am so easily swayed. I am just more honest with myself and honest with others.
In fact, the next time my mother harasses me with her version of the truth, I will tell her what I think of her assailing me with her beliefs without her understanding mine. I will have to tell her if what she says breaches healthy boundaries. She can't terrorize me my whole life. I don't try to upset her and preach anti-Mormon views to her, but I feel that she is sort of trying to storm the castle of my beliefs and emotions. She is still trying to get me to go back to church.
I am starting to be ready to say what I believe. I am starting to be ready to tell her to back off.
A strange thing happened when I last lurked on the NOM board. I began to be sick with the awareness that the NOM position, to me, seems naive and emotionally dishonest. I cannot actually believe, no matter who says it, that the LDS Church is a force for good in that many people's lives. I can't actually believe that it is all that pleasant. I can't believe that it is innocent. I was looking for innocence on that board. Instead there is a clash of opinions, disguised in LDS reasoning. The LDS reasoning is still there, but the beliefs are fading.
And every once in a while, I read a post that tells me that the person posting that message is a very disturbing person to me. Some people on the internet come off as fake and insincere to me. I am actually good at reading people's intents in their posts. And there were a few posters who were pretending to be nicer and more agreeable than they were. They were also pretending to like the LDS Church more than they really did. I found the insincerity creepy. I found it creepier than the anger on the exmormon board.
It shocked me how much I suddenly knew, after running across those posts, who I was. I suddenly feel as if I know myself. I looked at something that is no longer me and I know myself. All of this twisted belief! I was becoming like that! I was becoming insincere and claiming beliefs I want nothing to do with. I think I really am finding myself. I feel as if I am living securely and happily in my own skin. I am recovering who I am. I am uncovering what I always was but that the Mormon Church tried to cover up. It tried to hide myself from me. It tried to define me. But I am no longer easily defined by others.
This is a shock and a pleasure. How the hell was I running around not knowing myself? How the hell did I keep myself so hidden? The fakery and the hyprocrisy and the fear are starting to melt away. I even go out in public and don't feel so nervous. And I stand up straighter. I feel like a ramrod rock some days. I don't hide myself. Could it be that I am not some person who is just a shame? I was withering in shame and fear. Does it take that long to get out of a religiously prompted haze of negative, shameful, fearful beliefs?
Maybe I will actually become a more mature, competent person? Maybe I will become my own version of functionality and normalcy!
Maybe I really am myself!
At first I thought it was kind of beautiful. All of these people were expressing different opinions without sounding bitter. I have to admit that I was drawn to the lack of bitterness. It was truly a rest from the more bitter-sounding stuff on exmormon.org. I thought that the threads on the board had more depth, especially the threads in which people were philosophizing or reasoning about some issue. I also felt like I had reasoned like a NOM for a long time. I still reason somewhat like a NOM.
There was a problem, however, when I lurked on the NOM board the next day. I realized, that as much as I would like to pretend to be a NOM, I am all the way out. I think that I wished that I had seen that board a year or two earlier when I was thinking in that vein. I would have thought it was great. It may have even helped me more quickly understand that I don't reason like a true blue Mormon.
However, I am dealing with the present time. I cannot actually go back to church. It would be against my values and I would be poisoned by the bad spiritual atmosphere in the church building again. And a woman from the ward called the other day, and she was so rude that I hung up on her. I can't go back to those people. I don't trust them with my emotional well-being. I suppose that I wished I could go back to fool my mother who is pressing on me like a hot iron. But there is no other way to deal with this than with honesty. I think it is a bad deal all around.
I also think that those NOMS are attending better wards than I last attended. The last two wards I attended were so bad that I couldn't even think about going back. I obviously do not believe in the Mormon Church anymore. I think that after lurking on the NOM board a little, I realized that I fundamentally differ from the philosophies of those people. A NOM participates in LDS Church meetings whether or not they believe any Mormon doctrine. I do not participate at all. I am no longer trying some ridiculous balancing act. I'm through.
I realize, as well, that I am not ready to write my whole resignation letter as of yet. I did try it, and it was scary. I am still forming opinions that will allow me to completely comprehend this whole experience of going toward an Ex-Mormon status. I am seduced by all sides of the coin. I see the good. I see the bad. I don't hate active Mormons for liking their faith. It disturbs me that they like their faith, but I don't hate them. I understand it all too well.
I have realized that what is happening is that I am becoming more definite about who I am and what I believe. I more definitely believe that I no longer believe in the Mormon Church. So many things about that church are no longer sacred. If I post on the internet I speak with more certainty, and I do not believe that I am so easily swayed. I am just more honest with myself and honest with others.
In fact, the next time my mother harasses me with her version of the truth, I will tell her what I think of her assailing me with her beliefs without her understanding mine. I will have to tell her if what she says breaches healthy boundaries. She can't terrorize me my whole life. I don't try to upset her and preach anti-Mormon views to her, but I feel that she is sort of trying to storm the castle of my beliefs and emotions. She is still trying to get me to go back to church.
I am starting to be ready to say what I believe. I am starting to be ready to tell her to back off.
A strange thing happened when I last lurked on the NOM board. I began to be sick with the awareness that the NOM position, to me, seems naive and emotionally dishonest. I cannot actually believe, no matter who says it, that the LDS Church is a force for good in that many people's lives. I can't actually believe that it is all that pleasant. I can't believe that it is innocent. I was looking for innocence on that board. Instead there is a clash of opinions, disguised in LDS reasoning. The LDS reasoning is still there, but the beliefs are fading.
And every once in a while, I read a post that tells me that the person posting that message is a very disturbing person to me. Some people on the internet come off as fake and insincere to me. I am actually good at reading people's intents in their posts. And there were a few posters who were pretending to be nicer and more agreeable than they were. They were also pretending to like the LDS Church more than they really did. I found the insincerity creepy. I found it creepier than the anger on the exmormon board.
It shocked me how much I suddenly knew, after running across those posts, who I was. I suddenly feel as if I know myself. I looked at something that is no longer me and I know myself. All of this twisted belief! I was becoming like that! I was becoming insincere and claiming beliefs I want nothing to do with. I think I really am finding myself. I feel as if I am living securely and happily in my own skin. I am recovering who I am. I am uncovering what I always was but that the Mormon Church tried to cover up. It tried to hide myself from me. It tried to define me. But I am no longer easily defined by others.
This is a shock and a pleasure. How the hell was I running around not knowing myself? How the hell did I keep myself so hidden? The fakery and the hyprocrisy and the fear are starting to melt away. I even go out in public and don't feel so nervous. And I stand up straighter. I feel like a ramrod rock some days. I don't hide myself. Could it be that I am not some person who is just a shame? I was withering in shame and fear. Does it take that long to get out of a religiously prompted haze of negative, shameful, fearful beliefs?
Maybe I will actually become a more mature, competent person? Maybe I will become my own version of functionality and normalcy!
Maybe I really am myself!
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Pity and Negativity
I have been working on my resignation letter. I feel like I have gotten halfway through the first draft. The challenge is to make sure I remember all that I would like to write about in my reasons for leaving the LDS Church. I am covering a number of topics.
Today, I opened my eyes to a new topic. It is how I felt when I went to church and how I feel the LDS members are being educated on an emotional level. Fear isn't the only thing that LDS people are taught. I also picked up on a tendency for people to feel sorry for themselves. Self-pity is a serious topic in the LDS Church.
First, there is the epidemic of depression. A large number of LDS people actually experience depression without having any idea why. I was like that for a while. I felt, often, like I was drowning in negative emotions and a lack of energy. This kind of experience is often described as depression. Sometimes people refer to it as "burnout."
But I finally got that feeling sorry for yourself is one thing that the leaders of the LDS Church may make members feel. My mother came home from church and told me that she knew I was discouraged. She went on and on and bore her testimony of the Book of Mormon. By the time she stopped I thought I was going crazy. All of the things she said actually depressed me. Basically, she thinks I am discouraged and so reading anti-Mormon lit and refusing to participate in the Church at all. This is obviously not it at all. In fact, she made me feel sick inside, and as the feeling faded, I realized that the pity she was heaping on me was the pity I always felt when in church meetings.
Pity is a funny thing. It is actually a comfortable feeling for some people. A certain amount of pity feels like compassion. But pity is not compassion. Pity is an emotion that gives you the excuse to stay stuck and look for answers, yet never find any. Because pity is more comfortable to some people than owning up to who they really are and what the truth really is.
Pity actually assumes there is something wrong with you. It often masquerades as some type of sympathy, but the key to recognizing it is that it is based on the idea that there is something wrong with the person either experiencing self-pity or being given pity. Pity has nothing to do with personal growth. And once that gets into your head, you begin to despise it.
I think that my mother was trying to guilt me back into going to church. I think she thinks I believe in the Book of Mormon, but that I might say I don't believe in it just to be rebellious. But I am not ten years old or thirteen years old. These are the low ages you must be to actually rebel to get attention. I am over the age of thirty. It's not rebellion. By the time you are my age, you are sick of fooling around with your life, and you do mean business. That my mother does not know this is shocking to me.
Basically, I realized that some lessons that are given in church meetings actually do make you feel sorry for yourself. The grief lesson that I spoke of in a previous blog was the type of lesson that messed with your emotions. You started out feeling sorry for yourself, and you ended feeling chastised. It never erased the feeling of self-pity you may have had in the first place, but in the end it just made you an angry, self-pitying person. For some reason, somebody higher up wants all of the members to feel negative emotions and just crash into a kind of despair.
I don't completely understand it, but I think that the higher up's in the LDS Church are constantly playing with people's emotions as if they are shiny Christmas toys. They flatter people, then they make them feel ashamed. They instruct them, and then they make them feel discouraged. The whole thing is some kind of sick game. The game always ends with the members feeling some sort of unresolved negative emotion. It never ends.
Basically, this makes me feel sicker and sicker about the LDS Church. It is makes it really obvious that I must stay away, and not just for a while, but forever. After a while, staying away forever was my plan. But now I am completely sickened. It's like I know that the Devil is behind the games played with the members lives. I know that the members are being corrupted and twisted around. I know it is dangerous for people to assume that the church is wholesome or even just harmless. Watch out! The LDS Church will get you.
Today, I opened my eyes to a new topic. It is how I felt when I went to church and how I feel the LDS members are being educated on an emotional level. Fear isn't the only thing that LDS people are taught. I also picked up on a tendency for people to feel sorry for themselves. Self-pity is a serious topic in the LDS Church.
First, there is the epidemic of depression. A large number of LDS people actually experience depression without having any idea why. I was like that for a while. I felt, often, like I was drowning in negative emotions and a lack of energy. This kind of experience is often described as depression. Sometimes people refer to it as "burnout."
But I finally got that feeling sorry for yourself is one thing that the leaders of the LDS Church may make members feel. My mother came home from church and told me that she knew I was discouraged. She went on and on and bore her testimony of the Book of Mormon. By the time she stopped I thought I was going crazy. All of the things she said actually depressed me. Basically, she thinks I am discouraged and so reading anti-Mormon lit and refusing to participate in the Church at all. This is obviously not it at all. In fact, she made me feel sick inside, and as the feeling faded, I realized that the pity she was heaping on me was the pity I always felt when in church meetings.
Pity is a funny thing. It is actually a comfortable feeling for some people. A certain amount of pity feels like compassion. But pity is not compassion. Pity is an emotion that gives you the excuse to stay stuck and look for answers, yet never find any. Because pity is more comfortable to some people than owning up to who they really are and what the truth really is.
Pity actually assumes there is something wrong with you. It often masquerades as some type of sympathy, but the key to recognizing it is that it is based on the idea that there is something wrong with the person either experiencing self-pity or being given pity. Pity has nothing to do with personal growth. And once that gets into your head, you begin to despise it.
I think that my mother was trying to guilt me back into going to church. I think she thinks I believe in the Book of Mormon, but that I might say I don't believe in it just to be rebellious. But I am not ten years old or thirteen years old. These are the low ages you must be to actually rebel to get attention. I am over the age of thirty. It's not rebellion. By the time you are my age, you are sick of fooling around with your life, and you do mean business. That my mother does not know this is shocking to me.
Basically, I realized that some lessons that are given in church meetings actually do make you feel sorry for yourself. The grief lesson that I spoke of in a previous blog was the type of lesson that messed with your emotions. You started out feeling sorry for yourself, and you ended feeling chastised. It never erased the feeling of self-pity you may have had in the first place, but in the end it just made you an angry, self-pitying person. For some reason, somebody higher up wants all of the members to feel negative emotions and just crash into a kind of despair.
I don't completely understand it, but I think that the higher up's in the LDS Church are constantly playing with people's emotions as if they are shiny Christmas toys. They flatter people, then they make them feel ashamed. They instruct them, and then they make them feel discouraged. The whole thing is some kind of sick game. The game always ends with the members feeling some sort of unresolved negative emotion. It never ends.
Basically, this makes me feel sicker and sicker about the LDS Church. It is makes it really obvious that I must stay away, and not just for a while, but forever. After a while, staying away forever was my plan. But now I am completely sickened. It's like I know that the Devil is behind the games played with the members lives. I know that the members are being corrupted and twisted around. I know it is dangerous for people to assume that the church is wholesome or even just harmless. Watch out! The LDS Church will get you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)